Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here!!

Crooning on my STEREO: Stop and Stare by ONE REPUBLIC

By now, we have all heard that Malaysians are in the midst of exile from entering Britain sans Visa despite being a Commonwealth compatriot. Now our colonial Motherland is contemplating on making our lives a little EASIER; ie. by making us fill in 20 pages of forms, submitting 10 copies of photographs, queuing up at the very friendly embassy and having to fork out a hefty processing fee in POUNDS for every application. (1 quid = 7 Ringgit Malaysia)

With all my dignity I REFUSE to be treated as a 4th world national.

My heart reaches out to those who have never taken a photo in front of the structural BIG BEN. With the impending Visa rule, they will probably never have the chance to do so. So let's go Paris instead.

You can read my view that was published on a local daily paper here.

But even Paris will not suffice sans Visa. Because if the UK regulation does take effect, there is a likelihood that the entire EU will follow suit. I am just hoping that this is just a shock propaganda to scare the idiots outta the country.

I am not surprised why we are condemned to such immigration torture. There are plenty of IDIOTS (Malaysians, I am embarassed to say) who are overstaying in the UK. In other words, there's a suspected bundle of illegal immigrants from MALAYSIA. There are students who enter Britain with a student visa when they have no intention of coming home, EVER. I know exactly who they are and, oh, how I wish I can report those.

Okay I don't get it. If you bloody hell want WORK in the UK, what the hell are you working as a KITCHEN HAND in Euston? You can be just that in Malaysia. If you can be bloody hell be a waitress, why is it more painful to do just that in Malaysia??

I know, I know. You want a better life.

DOES LIVING IN THE COLD GIVE YOU A BETTER LIFE?? DOES HAVING NO RECOURSE TO PUBLIC FUNDS GIVE YOU A BETTER LIFE?? DOES HIDING FROM IMMIGRATION OFFICIALS GIVE YOU A BETTER LIFE??

Don't be a dumbass. Even if you marry your local butcher in every hope of getting a PR, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SOCIALLY REGARDED AS A FOREIGNER. Get that? There is no glamour in that. Your mother in law may adore you but your neighbours will be bitching about you.

Then you will say.. well, my children will have a better life in the UK...

YOU CHILDREN WILL NOT THANK YOU FOR THAT. IN FACT, AT ANY POINT OF THEIR LIVES THEY WILL FORGET THEIR ROOTS AND BLARDY HELL BLAME YOU FOR IT.

Some will say, yeah... but Malaysia has no hope, no chance of advancement, blah blah...

This also applies to legal migrants. You are so naive. If you want to work in Banking in HSBC London, there is a HSBC MALAYSIA too. Ok, you don't earn in pounds. So what? If you prove yourself decent they will surely post you on a deserving branch. London will retrench you any minute due to your immigrant status. Taxes? It's dollar for dollar so just admit its the uniform dog-eat-dog in every industry. If you earn 2000 quid in London is equates to RM2000. Figure that out.

If you want to train as an accountant in a 3rd grade London company, there is an abundance of local firms in KL. Why crowd in a foreign land? It is only logical to think that if you can find jobs in your country, you really do not need to be abroad. You may lust over caucasian boys but please don't be such an anglophile.

A Tip: The best employees start rough back home because they are humble. Trust me, I know.

There is some exception if you are a true and certified specialist in a niche market, ie. the fine arts. Let's face it, there is NO PROFESSIONAL ARTS industry in Malaysia. By all means I encourage you to RUN far away. But if your ambitions only stretches up to film production work then don't fret because there is still a healthy industry in M'sia itself, albeit a racist one. You will live even if you stayed.

MALAYSIA IS NOT A WAR TORN COUNTRY. YES, WE HAVE AN ACTIVE AND SCANDALOUS POLITICAL FRONT. SO WHAT? We need some editorial excitement now and then. I bet you enjoyed reading them too.

WERE YOU STARVING IN MALAYSIA??

Unless you are on Atkins, no one is really deprived of food. Then come home. You really don't need to be there.

25

Crooning on my STEREO: Puede Ser by AMAIA MONTERO y EL CANTO DEL LOCO

Although I am itching, itching, itching to.... I have TRIED to refrain from bitching about anyone on this blog till, ermmm, August.

But I can't help it. Because by good old August I would have lost all that bitch inspiration. That would have defeated my fundamental principle of being honest, eh?
---------------------

So here's the story. Sometime ago, at a friend's birthday party, I met a Malaysian Z-list "actress" with a fancy caucasian name and surname. (That was a pseudonym. I later found out that her real name was plain 'Farah,' an equivalent to 'Jane' by western standards)

This scrawny fool tripped over and introduced herself, 'Oh HELLO, I don't know your name but my name is ABC.'

And so I had a rather intelligent conversation with her: (my innermost thoughts are in brackets.)

ABC: Ohhhh, Hello I am an actress.
(she didn't look like one. To be honest)

Me: Oh me too! I WAS an actress. (note the past tense)

ABC: Yeahhh I am can't wait to go to RADA* this October for my MASTERS in Acting!!!
(* RADA is a performing arts institute in Reading, UK- not exactly the best but decent enough for aspiring actresses who can afford the fees.)

Me: Congrats! Good on ya!
(thinks: OMG, so many dumb people are admitted into Masters these days. Unbelievable. Another point to note is that talented actresses don't ACTUALLY do a Masters. They try to get professional jobs..)

ABC: Yeahhh so I guess you studied in UK before eh?? Whats Reading like?? the nightlife??

Me: Reading is very COOL. I know people who get pissed on fancy bars every night there.
(thinks: hahahahahahahaha )

ABC: OMG GOD... REAAAAAAALLLLYYYY???? I am sooooo gonna get my own flat and BRING BOYS HOME!!!

Me: Hell, yeah!!!
(thinks: such a dumbass. *rolls eyes*)

ABC: You know... the thing about my looks is that I only appeal to Americans and Europeans!!! I mean, I can't get good jobs in Malaysia but I know I will succeed abroad!! I once did a program for a Dutch producer*... blah, blah, blah...
(* I later found out that this "Dutch" producer is commissioned by our very own RTM to source cheap local talents for shoestring projects. Not exactly an achievement to brag about.)

Me: Yeah I guess every territorial market has their own set of appeal...
(thinks: but I know you will never fit into any because your nostrils are too big.)

ABC: Sooo you know any agents in London???

Me: Of course I do. What type? Do you have a showreel? And a black n white headshot without make up?
(thinks: any working "actress" should know these bloody kindergarten prerequisites. DOH.)

ABC looks at me blankly.

And I never gave her my agents' contacts.

You can check out ABC's one and only "head shot" HERE. She is the one with the flashy caucasian fake name and a standard overdone metallic make up. Believe me, just like most M'sian talents, she looks nothing like that in flesh.

One piece of advice: You can get away with that sort of extreme makeover in Malaysia, but international talent agencies will blatantly ask you to scrape all that foundation off.

But by then she would be too hideous to score any big jobs. Ooops.

---------------------

Another reason why I am in such a great mood to bitch is that:

ESPANA ARE NOW EUROPEAN CHAMPIONS!!!!!

You would recognize this towel flag on my gate from two World Cups ago. Yes, I waited THAT long.

And we got what we want because we bloody hell FOUGHT for it....

BRING ON 25!!!!!

Global Warming and the Farce

Crooning on my STEREO: Fifth of Bethoven by NASSAU

I fell asleep while watching AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH because it was boring, highly self-indulgent and rather kid-dish. It's like watching Al Gore's world-saving tactics for dummies; if there's such a movie ever made, but thats how I perceived the entire propaganda of self pity: I didn't win your votes before hence I want to make you feel REALLY BAD about it, because I am a saint and you didn't know this back then....



That whole farce worked on the masses. I am amazed at how many people have come up to me and said that it was the SCARIEST movie ever made. I thought Candyman was scarier. In fact, eurosleaze shows like MalaBimba is hilarious yet scary because the entire twisted plot was supposedly ochestrated by The Devil. (haha)

So, Al Gore scared you into believing that the world shall end quicker, ie. if you continue to use plastic bags, that sin is going contribute to global warming in some puny way.

There is somebody who capitalized on this herd paranoia. Anya Hindmarch invented those rough canvas bags that shouted "I am not a plastic bag." They are cheap. But limited in quantity. Consequently, thousands of plastics (my definition of dumb girls who queued hours to get themselves one) fought for them, so much so that many fans also bought fake ones at cut throat prices just to fit in.

Mind you, saving the world should not be an exclusive deed. And only goodness knows if these canvas bags were manufactured via fair trade. I don't know how much of the world you can save by replacing 1000 plastic bags with 500 "limited edition" canvas bags.

Ok I was slightly wrong. There was no paranoia. It is merely a FASHION TREND. And trends go out of date. They pass on.

Then I have some well-connected young pals who recently co-edited books on bio-degeneration and going green. Of course they didn't write them entirely. But there were posh autograph sessions and press conferences, and it made me equate such occurrences to nothing but, FAME. As a pure juxtaposition, I don't recall Mother Theresa autographing her books.

At that time, there was also a sudden influx of friends within the same circle who raved, 'hey, i am going green because my friend wrote a book on the greenhouse effect.' And I asked 'what do you know about the green house effect?' And she answered, 'Well, our world is in trouble and we are heating up. Peter wrote that we can make a difference by converting waste into energy'.

And I asked, 'Ok. Do you know that Peter the "author" does not car pool and drives around in a Porsche?'

That didn't bother her nor the expanding circle of Peter's friends. In fact, co-editing those books made Peter a demi-god. He is even getting free alcohol in every club he goes.

What I am trying to say is, there are more ethical ways of expounding doomsday. An Inconvenient Truth is an odd way of threatening moviegoers to invest in a method to save the world by presenting the earth's exaggerated vulnerabilities. Hence many corporations turn such mass induced fears into a business by reinstating their "green" reputation. If you are not naive about the global economy, every "green" or "blue" business plan boils down to money and politics. Hence Peter is selling books to launch his career in his family's business empire.

On a macro scale if you didn't play truant on your science and geography classes, there is also an even greater truth that there is really nothing we can do about this decaying earth.We can only slow it down, but not significantly. Let's face it, we are eventually going to end up like the dinosaurs because we claim to know so much of our earth but nothing about the universe.

Now that I am researching on astro-physics, I can tell you a simple theory. Check out our neighbor VENUS below.

Ancient astronomers assumed that there could be life on Venus because of its component similarities to that of Earth. However, every spacecraft that has tried to enter its atmosphere literally blows up due to huge gravitational changes. Later research shows that it is indeed a big greenhouse. It's quite hot. What caused it? Was there some sort of evolution? We can only speculate.

Then we have our MARTIAN neighbor.

Tonight NASA's little robot Phoenix will enter Mars' atmosphere in search of water and other evidence of bacterial life form, thats if it lands safely. It is a giant red planet, looks a little ugly but very reminiscent of our red dessert. It's quite dead. There could have been life in the past but if there was, what caused their demise? Decomposing plastic bags? Again we don't really know.

Ditto to all of our 10000s of unanswered questions pertaining to the other planets in our solar system. What killed the other planetary life forms, if we were not alone in this vast universe? And on our own grounds, what killed off the dinosaurs? Surely they didn't have factories back then.

Because we do not know. Hence, why are we so consumed by Al Gore's Oscar, canvas bags, Peter's book, switching off all lights in the house for a day because a Facebook group tells you to? So much so that we don't have a global clarity of understanding why we do such things. We do such because the mass media tells us to, but we will soon get bored and forget to switch off the plug.

If only we realize how beautiful our Earth as compared to the other fuzzy planets of outer space, we would be genuinely inspired to do things in respect of Mother Nature. It is simply because Man can never stop a sudden asteroid nor cyclone from devouring us one day. It is a fact that too much irreversible damage has been done to Earth. This is general science:

Every living thing has its life span.


And we do not need consumerism to tell us that. In all honesty, many corporate "green" campaigners impart a sense of deluded hope by presenting a world crisis as a bankable trend. Every hype has its anti climax.

So guys, collectively switching off all the lights in your house for one day just because MTV tells you to do so, isn't really going to make a big difference. You are behaving like an ignorant cult member.

ANTM & The AttacK Of The ExeS.

Crooning on my STEREO: Flaunt It by TV Rock Feat. Seany B.

Facebook is a pretty dangerous platform; simply because within the click of button you are able to enable your past to seemingly embrace, or, enrapture you. Well, its pretty cool for some people. I thought it was quite exciting to allow some terrible men of my past to drool over how smoking hot I have become and slap themselves with regret.

But of course, there is also such a thing called backfire.

Damn that word. Some of the recent additions to my friends list are men I had been involved with after the turn of the millenium. Before this I was the eeky angel who never had a guy. (I can't disclose the number because itd just make you cry.) So you can imagine.

Well obviously it didn't work out with any of them in the past. I was always the optimistic one, happy-go-lucky, naive and ready to fall in LOVE. I had no idea the definition of a fuck buddy. A beautiful friend? What the hell was a casual date? I thought if you kissed someone when you were sober, he had to be in love with you.

Then I endured the ugly truth. There were men who came, conquered and left. And I was left crying and bleeding in the bathroom, clinging on to my mobile hoping that somebody would call to say he loved me.

Rather predictably, those knight-in-armour calls never came. There was the occasional SMS that said, "hey would you like to grab 'lunch'"? You'd be proud to know that I never replied to those.

Back to the present. What I can derive from a few photos is that now they all have steady girlfriends. (incredibly hot girls, dammit) I am already deriving morning sickness from happy couple photos in the sun, wall posts addressing each other as 'baby', 'honey,' 'cupcakes' and most the most sickening of all, 'I love you.'

I am bitter because I never had those. And I can't help but to be affected by them. In the bout of dissecting what went wrong, I would have blamed it primarily on my looks. If I was more beautiful, many things would have worked out. If I looked fit, they wouldnt have left because they would have been proud to be seen with me. And stayed.

It is a shallow conclusion, but that is also the easiest conception in compliance with a shallow world. I hate to feel sorry for myself but yet I am pretty much incapable of blaming others for their happiness.

Best thing is to move on. Or delete the dreadful bunch from Facebook. Today I am in love with an amazing man whom I would love to spend the rest of my life with. Unlike the terrible junk I wasted my tears on, my sayang is so perfect.

However, I cannot help but to feel that he is alright with losing me the very next day. Just like the rest, he will move on with a more beautiful girl. He will be ok. But as for me I will cry myself to death, if I am even slightly lucky.

I know, its all about feeling sorry. But then again you must experience the scary depths of rejection to empathise with this.

Ok, I will stop the depressing crap for now. For those who follow ANTM's latest cycle on YouTube, ohhh myyy goodnesss this is so so so hilarious:



Basically these American contestants were based in Rome, and had to shoot a Covergirl TV Commercial in ITALIAN. Why I find it so horribly amusing is pretty much self explanatory..

WHAT THE HECK WERE THEY SAYING ??!?!?!

I almost fell off the chair

Women of Substance

Crooning on my STEREO: Medio Dia by CAFE TACUBA

Spa on a Monday was NICE. I underestimated the lack of blue skies here and totally burnt myself under the sun. Thats ok. I am so great. I recently bought bottles of rapid tanning sun block from Rome and never had the chance to use them.


This idyllic life gave me more time to read. So I bought a couple of magazines; a mixture of some local and my usual brit mags. So I was reading FEMALE yesterday. And came across several locally penned articles that was quite atrociously written.

I think I know these writers. And I think they are quite young. As a special mention, there was a 2 or 3 pager (yes the write-up was THAT long) which dwelled on the subject of how working long hours will eventually kill you. Since it applies so adequately to my pre-resignation lifestyle, I read it with full interest.

But really, after straining my eyes in the sun, I realised that I was reading a mediocre "O" Level essay adhering to the deadpan academic format:- state a point. example. paraphrase a point. example. plagiarise a point. example. make a few smart alec remarks. example. summarise entire article in case the reader has forgotten your point. full stop.

so where the heck is the your conclusion?

Yay, this article gets published! yay! yay! Let me tell my friends on Facebook!

A couple of days ago, (or was it yesterday?) there was a film article in The Star Newspaper in conjunction with the ongoing Iranian Film Festival. (Malaysia loves Iran. We have an Iranian film festival every two months because screening 100 Iranian films {as everybody seems to have cried while watching "Children of Heaven"} that personifies rural life and poverty is oh, sooo, sublime )

Back to the newsie. A girl attempted an article explaining how films have evolved to glorify the deprived female character as significant plot protagonists. (in my simpler words= she wanted to define GIRL POWER)

So she drones on this essay, with a familliar paper format she probably learnt back in college:

INTRODUCTION
Start with lame personal viewpoint like, 'As a female cinemagoer, I think...
Support with an introductory example/case study to support your lame viewpoint.
Paraphase something such as a brief history of how women are ill treated like mongrels in cinema.

BODY
Plagiarise an obvious point.
Example of Film #1 (remember to write a one-liner at the end of each paragraph to remind dumb or bored readers the point of this essay)
Plagiarise a second obvious point.
Example of Film #2 (ditto. above)
Plagiarise a few obvious and dumb points.
Example of Film #3 - Example #50 (all ditto. above)
Make a short, cliched and serious sentence - "Cinema has evolved soooo much since prehistoric times."

CONCLUSION
Make a lame personal conclusion: "I want girl power to be interpreted more effectively in cinema, less repression, beautiful life, blah blah." (Use big words to convey seriousness and thoughfulness so that the masses will admire your academic writing on a Monday evening. )

My favourite bit was her sympathetic reference to Fatih Akin's "Head On" (if you remember, this film is where I derived the quote "you dont have to kill yourself to end your life".. genius. ) As TV rights are only made available for Europe late last year, it amazes me where else she has watched this film apart from purchasing an illegal copy from the pirates?

Call the polizia.

Malaysian Mass Media is boring the nuts out of me.

Bring on the TIKUS

Crooning on my STEREO: Overpowered by ROISIN MURPHY

Formalities First.

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!!

followed by those manic greetings on wealth, prosperity, climbing up the career ladder by licking your bosses' balls, etc. Why couldn't anyone have wished me ample luck on striking the lottery aka. El Gordo???

Chinese New Year is always about money and bracing idiots. Speaking of bling, I think KIMORA LEE is nuts but oh so hot. I am totally into her preachings on fabulosity. I have decided to be tacky and fabulous from now on.



I KNOW I have been keeping quiet and I KNOW that's becoming quite annoying. You may even notice that I have posted some vague directions and odd implications in all my previous entries the last couple of months. So much for beating around the bush. Rest assured that this is only a temporary phase and I will return to that lightweight blogger I used to be before I annoy myself any further.

There is a reason for this: I cannot tell you what fabulous stuffs I will do until there is a full degree of certainty. I am such a big-ass perfectionist hence I am not into half boiled statments of glory (which reminds me of a certain idiot). It's only for this little aspect that I am sorry I cannot be upfront with you for now. My Facebook incriminates alot so you might as well check it there.

Then there are a few people who shouldn't know either. Despite how much these 1 or 2 people claim to despise me, its pretty odd how they still read my blog on a very regular basis.

Jumping back to my ideals of fabulosity: I resigned from my decent job (finally!!) and I am going back to my sayang in 2 weeks.

OMG I can't wait. My dear rats, this is indeed LIFE IN THE FAB LANE!!

Vacas Part 2

Crooning on my STEREO: About You Now by SUGABABES

Listen. You know what I can't bloody hell stand?

PEOPLE WHO MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Yes, its a girl thing that annoys the jackshit out of me.

It's kinda dumb to speak bollocks when you know absolutely nuts about the truth. It is also sucky when one accuses and defies another's goodwill as a selfish ploy. This is disgusting and has happened to me just ONCE, but I urge you lot to NEVER do this upon others.

BECAUSE IT BLOODY HELL HURTS. Then again if you are capable of accusing and assuming i am pretty much convinced that you don't have feelings anyway. And for this I want you to screw yourself and know what its like to be humiliated.

My mistake why I didn't whack your brains out.

Cyclops

Crooning on my STEREO: Tutta Mia La Citta by Giuliano Palma & the Bluebeaters

I AM GOING BLIND. Like, seriously. My vision is tormented as I type this. So don't go about kicking my butt for the numerous typo errors that will come your way. gnfgnjtjhykujkygil,gu

That was quite bad wasn't it?

Come on, FEEL SORRY FOR ME.

Actually NO. People annoy me when they feel sorry for me. Cos there's really nothing to be sorry about. It's not your fault. And it's totally not MY fault. And despite karma's bitching, I really don't want to feel sorry for you either.

There's a primal point in this gibberish. I am teaching you not to get involved in other people's woes. Or worse, take interest in other people's woes. And the worst: IMAGINE other people's woes.

Unless you can contribute to relegating the pain, this noble deed annoys the shit out of me.

You see, I had a girlfriend who texted me out of the blue:
--------------------------------------
Friend: HI! LONG TIME NO SEE. HOW R U? xxx

Me: Hi xxx, nice to hear from you. I am good. N u?

Friend: OIC. I M OK. I M ALWAYZ HERE IF U ND ME :)

Me: Erm. ok, thanks.

Friend: SO? HOW IS EVERYTHING?

Me: Yeah is good. Been busy as usual!

Friend: IC. WELL I AM SENDING LOTS OF KISSES 2 GIVE U COURAGE 4 THE DAY XX

Me: Ok thanks. Likewise to you too.

Friend: LYN B STRONG. I M HERE 4 U. I KNOW LIFE AINT EZ. XXX

Me: My life is perfect, thank you.

Friend: U CAN ALWAYZ SPK TO ME. SENDING U RABBITS AND RAINBOWS 4 THE DAY!!! xxxxxxxxx

---------------------------
First of all, do you think she sounds like a COMEPLETE COW?

FRIGGING ANNOYING

I have an insatiable urge to whack her with a coconut. I don't get it, I have reiterated that my life is FINE but why does this delusional cow keep insisting that I have PROBLEMS? Or rather, problems that I would want to SHARE with her.

EEEEEEEEEWWWWW

I don't need her blessings. Nor courage. Or whatever munchkins. *cringe*

Change of topic. Ok. I am going to expound how much I worship Julio Medem. Thanks to YouTube, I am giving you the opportunity to experience one of the most oh-my-god scenes ever staged. I ADORE IT.


On a separate note, did you know that Kuala Lumpur hosted an International Film Festival? With the most grotesque international films line up I've ever seen.

So, who are these morons on the selection panel?

Vacas

Crooning on my STEREO: The Blower's Daughter by DAMIEN RICE

I was looking back at my older posts, ie. circa 2006 and before, and I thought of reviving this:

THE RIDICULOUS USE OF FONT SIZE AND COLOUR to enhance the impact of my rants on you poor readers. What happened to that girl who used to complain the shits in good humour?

I have decided to bring her back.

You see, I have been needing to change my life. There were some dumbass incidents that took place recently that I cant help but to take the literal piss. Most of you would know that a certain part of my life is in a bit of a mess, but its OK. You know, it is quite funy. I have done enough with sobbing so its time to revel in that consequential weight loss and England's Euro defeat.

I watched a film from Fatih Akin who expounded this ingenious quote:-

"If you want to end your life, end it. You don't have to kill yourself to do that."

OH MY GOD. Why didn't I think of this???????

Nothing really took place actually.

Two weeks ago I was puking all over the streets of Bangkok. Three weeks ago I was milking Kuantan of all their available beer. By the way, join FACEBOOK if you want to be a voyeur of all my activities.

Then I found out that I was hanging out with some murder suspects. And then I found out my boyfriend doesn't love me. AND THEN I found out that an ex has eloped to Paris with a hot girl whom he cheated on me.

OH MY GOD.

My life would have been perfect without you NUTCASES. Stop frigging rejecting me, will you???

It's OKAY. There is always Riccardo.


He has Gio's eyes.

Stupido.

Crooning on my STEREO: King of the Bongo by ROBBIE WILLIAMS

You are Zeus. You have followers. They desire to live in the countries you have lived in. Travel to places where you have been to. Envy your belongings. Stalk your footsteps.

They aspire to be just like you. Or better than you.

My friends, I call those pagans who reside beneath your toes: worshippers.

I have very little respect for worshippers.

Then there is Venus. Goddess of self-perceived beauty aka. 'perasan-ness'. Women who would utilise the spineless nature of mortal men for their own gains. Women who would perceive themselves as a femme fatale, are actually those who are blinded by their own beauty. (inaccurately reflected by their warped Ikea-endorsed mirrors.)

Last week, I saw a very fine example of Venus which made me puke.

Not the razor, I mean.

My point is, you people make me laugh.

Yes, I have many kickass adventures. And I share them. What freaks me out so much is that I have inspired a number of naive fools to run away from home.

I am responsible for the dumb people I know who are flocking to illegal jobs in ulu areas of Spain. I am also responsible for a handful who are leaving their families behind to flock to Europe in search for eligible bachelors.

You guys are dumb, or what? You don't even speak the language. What do you know of their culture? And Europe has the same ratio of bad male species as anywhere else in the world. Stop dreaming, you cows.

Living is different from holidaying. Get Real. Stop running away.

Kids.

Generic Girl Talk

Crooning on my STEREO: Kiss Me by CANARY

I am back from slogging in Bangkok. A friend and I were discussing the touchy issue of toxic friends and we compared notes on some generic whining sessions that we had to endure from girlfriends.

Of course, girl emo sessions can be forgiven as mere PMS attacks.

But when it becomes a HABIT, boy, we have to jump the bridge.

Read on and tell me if this sounds familiar to you:-


Girl: I am so depressed.

Me: Why?

Girl: I am so ugly.

Me: But you are fine. Why do you say this?
Me thinks: I hate to sing unnecessary praises at unnecessary times. But when you have a sobbing friend on the other line, this should be the most appropriate thing to say to stop her from downing Baygon.

Girl: Nobody likes me.....

Me: Oh no no... dont say that...
Me thinks: I have just been insulted.
Translate: SHE IS SAYING THAT YOU DONT LOVE HER. SHE IS TELLING YOU THAT THE WORLD, including your baby brother, IS PLOTTING EVIL AGAINST HER.
To put this into perspective, why does a sobbing fool have to call you if she knows that you wont give two hoots about her sorrows?

Girl: You know, no boys will ever like me. Because I am UGLY. Nobody ever looks at me. I will never have a boyfriend ...etc etc...

Me: Thats not true... you will never die a spinster.
Me thinks: Lord help me. Why do you chicks delude yourselves into thinking that life is all about finding a dude?

Girl: I don't know why boys do not like me...

Me: Ermmmmm
Me thinks: Well, you know the answer. You just said that YOU ARE UGLY;

Girl: I mean, you will never understand.... you have a guy and all. And I have nobody....

Me: Yeah, of course I know that I am fortunate.
Me thinks: Of course I don't understand you. If a shitfaced bitch like me has done good for myself, any specie without a dick can do the same. Woman, stop whining and just put in some effort.

Girl: But the guys here are useless. They will never appreciate me...

Me: Maybe it is in their culture... some sort of trend going for anorexic pan-asian chicks...
Me thinks: No matter how hideous you are, it is highly easy to get a caucasian fling if you are not choosy. You know those balding men at Beach club? Or head to an obscure town in Greece and the local boys will drool over your exotic-ness.

Malaysian dudes aren't so bad. Yes, there is the shallow bastardy 70% lot. But there is also the humble lot. Give them a chance. The ones who avoid you are the ones who probably sensed your desperation. They are not stupid, y'know.

Girl: Sigh.. I don't know anymore...

Me: Just rest and you will be okay.
Me thinks: You have nothing more to whine about. So shut up. And this will give me a break from being overly condescending.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

STOP COMPLAINING. BE THANKFUL THAT YOU ARE NOT DEFORMED.

Jeez.

MARCH PMS

Crooning on my STEREO: Splendido Splendente by RETTORE

Five things to BLOW UP on:-

1) I've got YELLOW TEETH .
Yes, it is due to the excessive tea drinking.

2) I do not have ample strength to clear my SMS(es) within a week.
There is not enough of memory space on my cranky phone.

3) My skin is morphing into a mouldy chocolate shade.
There's not enough of sun in this country.

4) Arsenal and Liverpool.
I'd rather have Crouch kick my ass than Christina.

5) F1 - Who on earth is Hamilton?!??!
Y'see, I had a lovelorn history with Mclaren. Until Hakkinen eloped. And Kimi stabbed us in the back.

I need RED BULL.

Eclipse

Crooning on my STEREO: Grace Kelly by MIKA



A bugger once told me that moon eclipses have the rather strange ability to instigate a turn in events. Shortly after, another medieval prone bugger proclaimed that the most recent eclipse on March 3rd is nothing but a bad omen.

Well, there was an earthquake.

And I shall abstain from whining on the unneccesary loss of lives.
After all, there are so many unnecessary people walking the Earth as we speak.

Speaking of the unnecessary. I had an unnecessary migraine at work which took me to the rather unpleasant company GP.

Historically, this doctor has refused my numerous pleas for a medical certificate (MC) to take the day off work.

I know. It's my ah-lian bleached hair. Hence she tends to accuse me of cry wolf.

The last time I was plagued by a flu symptom, she promptly dismissed my pain claims as a mere hangover. Thus she refused to produce an MC to release my ailing body from work.

As a result of her negligence, I was hospitalised the following day due to a chronic tonsilitis.

Such a bitch, right? I could have sued her pants off.
But because I am such a godforsaken saint, I sparingly watched the injustice pass me by.
Karma, you better note my samaritan deeds, dingbat.

Last week, I had a dumbass PMS migraine that had me ending up in her clinic once again.

Me: Hi Doc, I am not feeling well.

Doc: (shuffling through a pile of stale notes) Okay, how do you feel?

Me:(groping my head to exaggerate the adversity) A sharp pain across my skull.

Doc: (gives me the standard 'I-know- you've- been -drinking' look) Okay...

Me: And I haven't been drinking. I never drink. (Part- Lie)

Doc: (scribbles a couple of hyroglyphic mess onto a stale card) Okay...

Me: So?

Doc: When was the last time you had your period?

Me: Early last month.

Doc: Regular?

Me: As regular as fries. Possibly a little late this month cos a few asses have been pissing the crap out of me.

Doc: (Looks at me. Attentively. For once.) Are you PREGNANT?

Me: W H A T ?
(turns into a dead fish. followed by a sudden urge to puke.)

Doc: (puts on a well rehearsed look of concern. Followed by the million dollar question..)
When was the last time you had sex?

Me: Heh?

(Pauses. Awkward Silence. )

Me: Hah?

(Thinks)

Me: (Breaks into a moronic manic giggle.) Doc, It's IMPOSSIBLE.

NO WAY.

HAHAHAHAH

NO WAY

VAFUNNNNNNCULO.


And I scored my very first MC after that.

Of X'mas and other things.

Crooning on my STEREO: Falling In Love by LISA LOEB

Yesterday I had a pointless conversation with a friend from my home country:
---------

Bimbo: My boyfriend is buying me the Sony Ericsson MP3 phone for X mas!!! I am so lucky!!

Me: Wow, you lucky tart.
Me thinks: okay.. if a piece of hardware makes you happy...

Bimbo: What is your boy getting you?

Me: Dunno. But he's cooking his mum's recipe for me! So it's all nice!
Me thinks: I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

Bimbo: And... ?

Me: We'll do the usual. Am spending lots of quality time with him before he goes home to Salerno for Christmas. And I am leaving for Spain on Xmas eve.
Me thinks: I will be heartbroken. I will probably not see him for a long time after that.

Bimbo: I see...... He's not following you back to Malaysia?

Me: It's alright cos he's very broke. You know, the poor dear is still a student and this is his final year. I need him to concentrate on his books and not tail me around.
Me thinks: Trust me, I know.

Bimbo: Your friend X told me you bought him a Sisley shirt from Florence!!!

Me: Yeah, he looks so hot in it I could die!!! I was so relieved I got the right size...
Me thinks: Swooooooooooooon

BImbo: And he didn't get you anything?

Me: Why should he? I just gave it to him today!
Me thinks: Brace yourself, Lyn. Bimbo is embarking on an inquisition.

Bimbo: No, no.. your friend X and I were talking about you the other day. We'd thought that you'd date some Tan Sri's son or some sort of upper middle class family friend.....

Me: Why do you say that? I was never in love with any of those spoilt brats to begin with. In fact, the ones I know are imbeciles who only have eyes for anorexic gold-diggers.
Me thinks: Jeez, those stupid rich kids who drive their father's cars.

Bimbo: I know, but a girl should always date a man who can pamper or keep up with her lifestyle. it's a sense of social security....

Me: You are beginning to sound provincial.
Me thinks: I think you are dumb. As usual.

Bimbo: No offence... but some people will bitch about you when you go home.

Me: Really? Bitch about how happy I am?
Me thinks: Nothing new. The price of fame.

Bimbo: You know, about you dating a poor Italian student for a short period and stuffs...

Me: Well, I am a student too and I've been poor eversince I left my job. I'm in my first steady relationship with a man who treats me with love and respect. He may be a pauper but I don't need him to buy me a Fendi bag to make me the happiest girl in the world.
Me thinks: I feel the urgency to hold an exclusive press conference on my lovelife.

Bimbo: But handbags are your true love!

Me: I said that when I WAS single. It's all different now, honey. And if I am dying for bags, I can surely afford them myself.
Me thinks: I am soooooo looking forward to cope with this type of material-cow mentality when I return to Malaysia. I certainly cant live without these morons.

In 11 days, I will leave Perugia's simple life. Just as I'm falling in love with it.

-------

In case you were wondering where I've disappeared to last weekend,

I WAS HERE.


It was more crooked than I thought. Oh, I also visited Perugia's rival town:
SIENA

This is for you, JENN. I forced her to skip Siena for Perugia.

Blame the bad photography on my makeshift aka. broken camera. I need a new one.

*hint hint*

DATE WANTED

Crooning on my STEREO: Bump Bump Bump by B2K

In case you are wondering, I managed to source for an alternative job to supplement my life's monotony. Please embrace this SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DATE HIM?


Come on, show my nice friend some LOVE.

He is CUTE, POLITE, INTELLIGENT and WACKY.

Well, that's what I think anyway. I have such brilliant taste so you can certainly TRUST me on this.

INTERESTED?

CALL ME, LEAVE A COMMENT OR E-MAIL ME to arrange for a date. A group date if you'd prefer.

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR LYN WILL BUY YOU A FANTASTIC ROUND OF DRINKS.


I bet you lot forgot that I am a professional pimp. I am looking forward to my big fat paycheck for this...

1,2,3,4,5,6

Crooning on my STEREO: Tears and Rain by JAMES BLUNT

TIME: 1:02:03 a.m
DATE: 4.05.06

Dear Diary,

Okay. I am not writing this exactly at 1:02:03 a.m. They were raving about this auspicious date and time where it only coincides once in a few hundred years. While some lucky friends of mine got their marriage proposals, let me enlighten you with what I did that night.

I had the entire house to myself. Sis is happilly in Europe while parents were holidaying Down Under. American Idol was on telly, so I was inspired to create a solo rendition of 'ALL BY MYSELF' in the karaoke room downstairs. Truth said, I souded like a wailing pig in the slaughterhouse.

As I couldn't reach the high notes, I choked out all my unpleasant memories and summoned the courage to gulp down half a 1 litre bottle of Smirnoff. Honestly, it was such an amazing feat because it tasted like car polish.

Well it got me pretty high for a start.

So I decided to switch off my mobile phone. Ignored the house phone. Unplugged the internet.

I locked myself in that room. No, I aint gonna slice my wrists with a butter knife.
I dimmed the lights and hallucinated Randy, Paula and Simon's presence a few feet away from my microphone stand. I chose 'SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH' as an opening number. Well, I rocked it. I bet I could kick Fantasia's arse when it comes to screaming out dynamic notes.

So I gulped down some leftover cooking wine.

HELL YEAH.

My next attempt? 'THE END OF THE WORLD'. Phwoarrr... exploded with so much of emotion. Man, I swear I can do a kick ass cover of this song.

I downed a glass of random brandy I found at the bottom of the bar sink. Whatever. So I decided to croon a highly emotional number:- 'NEVER BEEN TO ME.' So emotional that it got the neighbourhood dogs barking. Even my own dogs were embarrassed to woof for a start.

Next on, I scrurried for a pretty ancient bottle of rum in the hindsight. god knows where that came from. At that point, my vision was pretty screwed up, so anything in a bottle HAD to be alcohol. Tasted shit but what the hell. So I grabbed the mike, stood on the couch and did the ultimate encore: - 'FLYING WITHOUT WINGS'.

Now, thats gay.

Slouched on the couch and on the verge of puking, I decided to put my self-induced poisoning to a HALT. It was 3 am and I've got to screw myself in the office the next morning.

WHATEVER.

Guess what? I am single.

THEFT

Crooning on my STEREO: In My Arms by MYLO

TO A CERTAIN BITCH-THIEF WHO NICKED MY STUFF LAST NIGHT:

HELLO CHICKEN SHIT,

You fucking little puny criminal PUSSY.

Have you FUCKED yourself yet? Oh yeah, you CANT do it. YOU HAD TO BE A THIEF BORN OUT OF A SHITHOLE.

Tell me, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO NICK 30 RINGGIT OUT OF SOMEBODY'S WALLET?

THATS 30 FUCKING RINGGIT!!!!!!
THAT'S, LIKE, 5 QUID. 7 DOLLARS.

Happy? You are 30 ringgit richer now. It COULD have paid for my BREKKIE the next day. It COULD have bought me a crap CD. I COULD have bought MYSELF another round of Magarita Presidente.

YOU PRETTY LITTLE CHINK FACED BITCH,

I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL.

I HOPE YOU USED THAT STOLEN DOSH TO GET YOURSELF A CRACK FIX AND DIE from it.

I still remember your bullimic, slutty face of a CUNT.
YOU DUMB WHORE. You even forgot to nick my credit card. Were you too pissed to bypass free dosh staring at your face? Oh no. You have never seen a credit card before.

YOU EVEN STOLE MY FAVOURITE MOTIVI BELT. YOU ULTRA CUNT.

So, what are you going to do with it? Embark on a steamy S&M fuck session with your HIV PLayboy? If so,
I HOPE YOU STRANGLE YOURSELF FROM IT.

Damn you, BITCH.

HAIL THE QUEEN

Crooning on my STEREO: She Wants to Move by N.E.R.D

Today I am going to bitch about my friend's aunt

A dumbass journalist was raving about a particular Malaysian woman who made it into Tom Ford's fancy portfolio of dumbass actresses in March's edition of Vanity Fair. The entire nation should kiss her feet for putting our insignificant nation onto the tinseltown map.

Our dear journalist goes on to glorify her painstakingly painful steps to stardom:

"....... how she gave up her dream of being a ballerina after an injury, was crowned Miss Malaysia and then married and divorced Hong Kong billionaire Dickson Poon before her career really took off..."

Oh wow. How tearjerking. I wanna CRY. I am SO SORRY that she fucked up her dreams of becoming a twinkle-toe ballerina. (A few years later we even saw her overcame all odds by managing high-action splits as a Bond Girl. Sure, the injury is permanent. )

It is so highly fucking inspiring how she rose mightily from the depths of all catastrophes to becoming the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN MALAYSIA by winning the most bimbotic pageant ever held on Planet Earth. For social security purposes, she is going to marry the father of all toads JEAN TODT. I am so in awe of her consideration to marry an amphibian.

Tough life, isn't it? So much of BLOOD, SWEAT and TEARS. Even Ang Lee's impoverished trade with his blood just to buy his first betacam camera can't beat our heroine's courageous strive for success.

Read this again:

.... MARRIED AND DIVORCED HONG KONG BILLIONAIRE DICKSON POON BEFORE HER CAREER REALLY TOOK OFF....

Wow. Amazing.

HELLO??!?!!? SHE MARRIED SUCCESS.

Don't be STUPID. Don't be RIDICULOUSLY STUPID.

"We all hope to see bigger things from our Hollywood Star...."
Shut up, you dumb ass.

OSCARS

Crooning on my STEREO: Rainsong by the MOSQUITOS

When you're in the industry, every Tom Dick and Harry talks cock about Oscar nominees. Exactly a year ago a girl from my drama class scored a leading role in a short film which eventually led her to her (or rather her director's) first Oscar win. I thought that was so cool that she did it. And I didnt. WTF.

Anyway, check this. DID I HEAR IT RIGHT?

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY IS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR

Oscar for WHAT?

OSCAR FOR BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

FUCK.

Time to question the world. Nominating Keira for an Oscars is equivalent to nominating Josh Groban a Grammy fot Best HipHop artiste of the year. But then again Scarlett Johansson had won a BAFTA in the Best Actress Category in her excruciatingly deadpan i- am- so- impoverished- and- I- need- a- fuck role of a servant girl in The Girl With A Pearl Earring last year. (or the year before. whatever.) That same unoriginal deadfish performance was then emulated in Lost in Translation.

Suddenly an ocean full of male spectators lusted over her constipated portrayal of a tortured flawless beauty.

Nevermind that. I thought Scarlett's case was a tragic definition of amateur screen acting. One fine summer's day, several footie blokes spotted a particular dumb blonde fiddling with a football in Bend It Like Beckham. GOAL. Say hello to KEIRA KNIGHTLEY.

LOOK. THIS "QUEEN OF POUT" CANNOT ACT.

She just bloody CANT, okay? I aint going to explain further.

You know the natural order is fucked up when some dingbat decides to nominate
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY alongside JUDI DENCH.

What the crap were the Academy dudes thinking? This is purely an execution of a vile sin.
JUDI DENCH IS THE EPITOME OF SCREEN PERFORMANCE IN ALL ITS GREATNESS.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY DOES NOT ACT. SHE POUTS.

Get it? If the Academy dumbasses had included ZHANG ZIYI into the Best Actresses' Category, I WILL FLIP.

We are actively embracing a whole new generation of useless actresses who do nothing but BROOD, SULK and POUT

Apparently they call that sexy.
Stupid or what?

CROCODILE

Crooning on my STEREO: Como Los Olivos by BEBE

I know. I know. I know.
I sounded like a lovelorn puppy in the previous post.

Today I am ILL. And I am getting UGLY.

I HATE MY NEIGHBOUR.
THAT BLOODY WHORE WHO RESEMBLES A CONSTIPATED CROCODILE WITH A TREE TRUNK PUSHED RIGHT THROUGH HER ASS.

Screwed up specie of an expatriate who pays miniscule rent. She even has a head bigger than her impregnated butt.
If she CANT RESPECT our local culture she should MOVE OUT and SHIT herself BACK in her COLD DEN.

Thats it. RESPECT.

Time to leach off her WI-Fi.