Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I once saw a rainbow

Crooning on my STEREO: Almost lover by A Fine Frenzy

I once believed in fairy tales, that a tale was indeed a metaphor of reality and happiness was not just a story. They all could be real.

Then I looked in the mirror, that this wretched girl was not a princess but an ordinary girl. Less average than any ordinary girl.

There were no horse carriages, no glass slippers, no castles in the clouds. There were no birds singing and there were no animals who could speak.

The only thing that was real was love. And I do love. I am a good person. And because I am unable to hurt anyone else, I am only capable of hurting myself. Without the knowledge that I may be hurting others- which is my fault.

So my Prince gave up hope. When I believed that true love was all about never giving up on the people you love the most.

As he is peacefully asleep, I lie tearfully awake with a broken heart looking up to the sky.

A part of me tells me that life no longer has any meaning. When my heart has every capacity to love but been broken too many times by those I love the most. They lose hope in me but never in their past.

Maybe I was wrong because i loved unconditionally.

And I would gently ask that by all natural causes:

may I sleep happily ever after.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Moving On

Crooning on my STEREO: You Can't Steal My Love by MANDO DIAO

Everything is alright now. I am so relieved to learn that terrible things do happen for a reason.

Because when life gets better, it does justify the hell one goes through. Sound cliched but true. I can testify that in the course of the past few months all that doom I once believed can inevitably evaporate overnight.

If you had told me this 6 months ago, I would have screamed bollocks. But back then I was a mere cripple: I was unable to digest the notion of hope and I only made it worse by condeminng myself.

Things changed, though gradually but the pain has now long gone. Not that I tried to do anything else except wallow, but things just happen. Chances. Only God knows who planned it.

And I want you to believe that it is true that no matter how thick the cloud, it always has a silver lining. As a child I held close to this in every trying situation till I reached my teens when things just didn't go the way I wanted.

Approaching 26 I realized such a saying is attainable because all it takes is to never kill a good heart.

It is a warm Sunday, summer has finally arrived in Germany and I am typing this with a puppy sleeping on my lap. I am waiting to skype my family back home. Andy will be back in Munich tomorrow just in time for dinner. On Tuesday I will return to office with newfound self esteem knowing that the company has promoted me to a permanent basis-

which means I will leave home.

Someone is looking over me, and will always look over me in the new phase ahead. This is one of those days when you reminisce how far you have come and that life can be beautiful.

At the end of the day, it is all about learning how to trust again.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Love Lockdown

Crooning on my STEREO: Chasing Pavements by ADELE

I have no strength to write. But yet I want to tell you something.

This is the only available online excerpt I have but it is without English subtitles. Anyhow if you watch it you can more or less understand what is going on.

Cabiria is a kind hearted prostitute who falls in love with a man and drops everything just to marry him. She has sold off her house and all her belongings to pay for her wedding in Rome.

The scene above depicts when she meets him to pass on the money for their wedding. She is happy and excited. He turns cold. She then realises, to her horror, that he has an ulterior motive to push her off the cliff and take her money. In her despair she begs him to kill her as she cannot face the brutality of her shattered fairytale.

He never loved her.

This is a scene from Closer. An empathetic sequence when one breaks the dreadful news to the other.

And it relates to this other scene. One's selfishness can hurt the other beyond belief.

Cabiria now walks the road alone after having lost the man she loved, her belongings and home. She has nowhere to go. A group of carefree youths walk by and tries to cheer her up. She struggles to smile amidst being grief stricken.

At the very end of the sequence, she eventually acknowledges the existence of hope. And that she will be alright.

Why such videos? Because all these best describe what I went through, and still going through. It may be annoying to you, but perhaps you do not have the slightest idea of how difficult this is for me.

How can you ever recover knowing that you were perceived just as a dying prostitute to the one man you ever loved? It will haunt you.

I am only human.