Saturday, December 11, 2004

Simon Cowell

Crooning on my STEREO: Vertigo by U2

You must have seen this man before. Or at least, for those of you who actually watch telly.
And I bet the most of you hate his guts.

I think he is the saviour of prime time television. Possibly the only tv persona who actually show signs of intelligence. He is blatantly honest; he tells you straight to your face if he thinks you're full of crap. I think that's good advice. Honest people are hard to come by these days.

Yet many people hate him. The weak minded hate him because he is, quite visibly, more sharp witted and instinctive than the norm. But many people despise honesty; they are afraid of getting hurt.

That is why many people do not progress because they deny the truth.

Today, I shoved my social calendar aside to stay in and watch the X-Factor finals. (I know.. I know!!!) Simon Cowell manages one of the finalists, Steve, who would be singing against Louis Walsh's 4 men group, G4. It was the battle of the managers, Simon versus Louis. The Tenor/Soprano group G4 are obviously more artistically distinctive than Steve, who is a natural crooner, so I expected the former to win. Plus, it was a case of 4 singers against 1.

But when Steve sang Frank Sinatra's 'Smile', I broke into tears. (usually I don't give a damn about song covers, but today it made a difference)
'Smile' have always been my spiritual anthem.

The song is not the case. Steve is the case. He started off in the auditions turned away by all the other judges but, surprisingly, nasty Simon. Despite the general preconception that Simon is an asshole, he had faith in the one man who was slagged off by the majority.

Today, Steve is in the finals. So 'nasty' Simon had a point.
And I voted (Yes, I DID!). I don't usually waste 25p on voting texts, but I felt that this man had to win. On the other hand, I was confidant that the rivals, G4, already had a recording contract on hand, so victory is not a neccessity. Because I have a soft spot for struggling artists, by voting, I am making a "talented but unfortunate" performer's dream come true.

Plus, for retribution's sake, I may need that sort of vote in the future.

Steve won. Simon won.
That bastard was right. He may slag off 90% of humanity, but he does have a worthy point. This is what I call constructive criticism. And this is coming from a smart bastard without a university degree.

He promotes a universal philosophy: simple but blatant honesty to wake the sleepyheads. I am sick of friends telling me that I look good in a coat which I actually dont.

If I have been sarcastic lately, I am totally aware of it.

That is because Simon Cowell is my role model.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Family Relatives

Crooning on my STEREO: Somewhere Only We Know by KEANE

I will be flying home in approximately 10 days time hampered by mixed feelings; the excitement of spending Xmas with the world's only worthy people (my immediate family) as well as the absolute dread of leaving my LOVE, London.

Oh, hold on, not to mention the highly anticipating festive encounters with RELATIVES. Oh yeah, sincerely CARING and LOVING AUNTS and UNCLES. They flood my family with LOVE.

That is BULLSHIT. Absolute CRAP. Let me explain the various species of relatives there are in my massive family of 'pain in the asses' .....

1) Oscar-Relatives: These relatives pretend to CARE. For example, if you GRADUATE with a good honours, they PRETEND to be HAPPY for you. Behind your back, they say you BRIBED the examiner.
(or rather, they say you NEVER graduated......)

2) Leach-Relatives: These relatives only contact you when there is a free Xmas dinner hosted by your family in the horizon. If not, they DONT GIVE A SHIT.

3) Tabloid-Relatives: These blood relations will DIG out your personal affairs and play the role as your CONFIDANTE. In actual truth, they don't give a damn and all they just want to know is what dirty shit you are up to.

4) Olympics-Relatives: This is RIVALRY, an inbred quality in most families. They just want to COMPARE their children's achievements to yours. Whenever they are on the losing end, these shallow parents LIE, on their kids behalf, so that they will always seem TRIUMPHANT. (Example: Who's got higher grades, who's thinner, who's got a better job.. etc)

5) Saint Mediator-Relatives: They are NOT saints. They are VENOMOUS. They will only show concern when you are on your DOWNFALL. The concern is a mere ACT. In their hearts, they celebrate knowing that you're DOOMED.

So what's this shit about BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER?

The only people to trust is your IMMEDIATE/NUCLEAR FAMILY


p.s: You can also categorise your aunt/uncle/cousin pests with several terminologies in my blog published months ago HERE

Sunday, December 05, 2004

St. John the Baptist

Crooning on my STEREO: Moi...Lolita by ALIZEE

A hell lot of you have questioned me what I've learnt in three years of Art History. To reflect my intellect, I have attached an academic 1st Class analysis of the above painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

"I think the subject matter is sexy. His sultry eyes are friggin' tantalising, more inviting than Jose Antonio Reyes. And look at those chubby arms, it has the ability to suffocate and excrutiate. Check out that grin, oooh la la!! He uses Neutrogena lip balm, right?? Therefore, Leonardo is DA MAN ahead of his time. Come on, who would've thought of using lip balm 500 years ago?

The HAIR! So beautifully and perfectly permed. Toni & Guy could never have done it this way. The curls are the epitome of those spiral pasta, was it fussili ?? One can conclude that national identity are engraved in those perfect curls......PASTA ITALIA !!!!!!!

Leonardo has done an excellent job on giving his subject the PERFECT MEDITERRANEAN TAN. I am envious (beyond belief) of that glowing skin that only St. Tropez can offer. So SUBLIME. Imagine this: You go on a beach holiday and you see a lifeguard who looks like this....... move aside, BAYWATCH!!!

Why didn't Leonardo give Mona Lisa that shimmering summer Tan?? Coz Italian men 500 years ago were attracted to lifeless women who dont sunbathe. Look at Mona Lisa. She looks too green. Yet men in the past find her sexy and beat the hell out of each other just to win her heart. Today, if you are as bronze as Beyonce, men fight wars over you.

Phwoarrr... check out that rapper look. The Renaissance Italian 'BLING'. You know why? Cuz' of that leopard skin which he wraps himself with. Check out any random P. Diddy music vid and you're bound to spot a couple of loaded pimps wearing leopard skin. And the finger, YO YO YO! A symbol of expression. In the case of sexy John, its YO YO YO, whazzzzupppp to HEAVEN. Vice Versa to P.Diddy, its YO YO YO, whazzzzuppp to HEAVEN too!!!!

I am too lazy to conclude. You should get what I mean by now. This painting is cool. This painting rocks. And it looks good on your living room wall. Think about it, how cool is it to walk about with a crucifix? I think it is going to be a summer trend. Leonardo is a genius.'

Note: I received a distinction for this visual analysis. Don't think of the material connotations as blasphemic, because the artwork has been argued as both religious and secular, since no one really knows what the subject is. The lucrative model could be St John the Baptist, Bacchus the wine baron or even Leonardo Da Vinci himself in a narcissistic mood.

And I don't believe in any of DAN BROWN'S conspiracy theories.