Sunday, November 30, 2008

This, too, will pass.. hopefully.

Crooning on my STEREO: Male in Povere by AFTERHOURS

Before I leave for the Malaga TV Market and London tomorrow, I want to let you know that the past four weeks I have dealt with a traitor, a harlot, an undertaker and a maniac.

You wonder how much one can take? Honestly I don't know. I have seen courageous people overcoming the greatest odds and earthquakes. Frankly I used to believe that I could be one of them, but as you can see; it only takes the loss of one man to trigger a series of shipwrecks on me.

As if the breakup was not dramatic enough, I had to face off several equally traumatizing events which I wish I could put them down here on this column.

But I was told that I shouldn't. Due to legal reasons. Even though writing is serious therapy for me. But damn those rumor mongers; they even robbed my only peace of mind.

I lost the man I love, and now I am left to deal with a psycho. Alone.

I need my family. They are my only love.

I love my friends too, but I cannot bring myself to impose onto them.

I know things could be worse, and I pray that it wouldn't. But I must admit that the constant accumulation of trauma tears my heart. There were times I couldn't connect to it. There were times I prayed for divine intervention.

This emo drive is so unlike me. But I can't lie about my melancholy. I just can't bring myself to deny sadness and write you a happy post. That will just come across as, so, FAKE.

Why, and what have I done wrong? This is really not so bad but why do I feel so bad?

My health is suffering. Please, I pray, don't let anything else get any worse.

I even decided to suspend my job promotion.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

This, too, will pass

Crooning on my STEREO: What A Wonderful World by BOB SINCLAR ft Axwell

From the choice of song I reckon i am getting better. I bought the 2009 MOS Annual and I realized that - I have Ibiza and Bob Sinclar to look forward to. I have always wanted to do this before I turn 28 (freaking 3 years from now) and I really shouldn't complain.

Ok I do get my fits about Gio. I miss him like hell.
But I am annoyed at several things so that keeps me distracted from reeling about the whole catastrophe. Obviously I wouldn't tell you everything here, in case some lame psychotic ass would take it word for word and say,"ohhhh Lynnn you lied to me and you are soooo immature. I know the real youuuuu" I am already dealing with a classic example of that type of loser who is spreading lies about me right here in Munich.

Best thing is, I have nothing to do with this insecure and deluded pest. I hardly even know him.

I stalk Il DiVO. YES. Claro Que Si. Doh.

I stalk him? Eeww. L A M E. I did feel sorry for him but there's a line when things go out of hand. Especially if it threatens to affect me professionally.

The next rumor that lands on my table will bring about a surprise. He will probably read this special mention since he is stalking me anyway. Ah, the bitter price of fame.

See? I got 20% of my self esteem back.

Then there's the arduous decision between the car and the dog as a micro attempt next year to replace Gio. Here's the drift:-

The Material Investment: Car
Pros: Looks cool. Something to brag. Good for avoiding freezing your butt off during winter. No U-Bahn MVGs to harass you on tickets. I can drive to Salzburg. I can park in front of clubs.
Cons: 36 month repayment scheme for a first hand. Left hand drive. Not cheap.

The Emotional Investment: Dog
Pros: They are better than men. They really make you happy. I can bring him to work too. And I live opposite a park thats as big as Oxford.
Cons: My work travels. I am usually away for a week so who's going to care for the poor dear? And if he dies I wouldn't want to go through this sorrowful stage again and flood you with depressive posts.

I am trying to choose one of the two as a mode to get down to earth. Help me out and give me your votes now!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Moving On

Crooning on my STEREO: Quiero Ser by AMAIA MONTERO

People, listen to my woes.

Ever since I have been dropped into that pile of shit; I have deteriorated in looks, social skills, zest and wit. I probably stink. I am now fat. I throw myself into work, I obsess over emails and I have to knock down at least 500ml of alco just calm my nerves every evening.

I am turning into a wreck.

Best thing is, he doesn't even know it. He doesn't care. He is probably making love to her as I speak.

Oh god. Eww.

That makes me sick in the day. Then it makes me cry in the night. Really, I can't bloody get over it. So I reckon the temporary relief is to either get very drunk, pass out and pray I will never have to wake up in 5 hours. Even his friends have disappeared.

Wishful thinking, I am now back from Barcelona and nothing of that self pity has changed. I am still the same. So you will have to tolerate at least another 5 depressing blog posts here.

I told you, this is hard. On the bright side, I found almost everything else easier. I could even ring DHL in German and get them to redirect my box of figure skates. Hoo-Hah.

So yeah, I will never have to speak Italian again. Unless I am dealing with RAI which fortunately there is no need to. They are run by women and they don't like dealing with women.

I got my blackberry back today. It is still cracked. Nothing has changed.

So now I am back to square one. Everybody else is inspiring me to ridicule stupid men and continue to live.

Yes I bloody hell can.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Day 5 After The Storm

Crooning on my STEREO:
If I Were A Boy by BEYONCE

I dreamt of him with her again last night. When will this ever end?

It has been 7 days since the storm, and fuck it still feels like it happened yesterday. It hurts. So bad.

After all that he has done, I still miss him. so much.

Oh God. Help me.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Day 3 After The Storm

Crooning on my STEREO: All Cried Out by ALLURE

Mum is here with me today, so it is alright. When you have someone minding you after work hours and nagging at the flat, i guess it distracts me quite a bit. I hate to say that when I was out shopping with her just now, I passed by the perfume shop and I had a glance at Moschino Friends. That familiar scent.

Now, it rings a bell as to why he finished that bottle I bought him in March. That was hardly 7 months ago. And I knew he could keep a small bottle for years.

He was using it with her. Even the shower gel. The aftershave.

See? I can't get over it. All these little details are sinking in. It drives me nuts. He's got a nice new jacket. He shopped it with her. He has got a new pair of trendy eye glasses. He shopped it with her. And he lost weight.

And he looked so good just two weeks ago.

It is probably because of her.

I can't stop whining. And so i thought it may be best if someone got me a photo of her so that I am convinced that she is ugly. I swear I will shut up.

Betrayal is a bitch. Schlampe. And it is winter. So I have decided to enrol for ski lessons in January. I have got my skis, boots except the sticks. I am going to dig winter sports. My loyal figure ice skates are on the way from KL to Munich via Fedex. My lovely friends are encouraging me to go out again. I am hoping to get a car by next winter, and my calculations tells me that getting a Porsche in Bavaria is a better long term bet than a BMW.

Even work is empathizing with me. My promotion occurred at the same time as the crisis. Consequently they revealed my 2009 business travel agenda which consist of almost everywhere except Italy. Thank god for that.

Some say that at 25, I have the whole world in front of me.

But I am struggling to smile. It is hard.

What is happiness when you have lost the one you love for eternity? A porsche can never replace that.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Day 2 After The Storm

Crooning on my STEREO: White Flag by DIDO

I managed some sleep last night for a change. I cooked for my work colleagues and we had alot of booze, which is often a good thing. I passed out on my sofa, and I am so gonna sleep there from now on. I have to leave that damp bed alone for now.

Progress is always a good sign. Of course I sill feel incredibly shit in the mornings; often upon the realization that I will never wake up beside him again in this life. And there is often the pain of visualizing him with her instead of me.

Till today I still have not heard from him. And that kind of hurts.

Long distance killed the relationship between us, but she and him are now together and will be together without the distance. I know he can be good without the distance.

Till now, as I should be angry, I still find it hard to accept. The whole scenario is sinking in and I tend to blame myself. It is utterly stupid, i know. My mind kept analyzing the conversation when I begged him to take me back because I know we could work things out with the baby. But he kept pushing me away. I should have read the signs that he did not want to tell me that he was already with another girl in Perugia.

A bloody pain I know. I rearranged the furniture in my flat today. I got an extended contract and a promotion at work. Since I will be staying around for quite some time in Germany I thought of 3 things I could do to momentarily ease the pain and regain a little self esteem:-

1) Buy a dog

2) Buy a BMW

3) Internet Dating

I have never tried the third one but I reckon meeting odd people might be amusing enough to keep me off the relationship radar.

Yes, I have changed.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

After the storm

Crooning on my STEREO: Don't Speak by NO DOUBT

It is 6:30 AM on a Saturday.

And I haven't slept. Even though I am exhausted. Well, I kind of did for about 2 hours till I woke up at 2 am and I am just unable to will myself back to sleep. I tried counting sheep. I tried reading Pushkin. I surfed German TV. I am tempted to do laps but the pool is not open.

And so I blog. It is my way of dealing with this. I live alone in a flat. I often imagined him and the other girl, and how they were together on halloween night just the day before I arrived happily in Rome to meet him for the first time in 6 months. Then I imagined how they went to the movies the day after I left Perugia as a carefree girl full of hope.

As I said, it is not easy. I have had it very tough the past week.

And I thought that only death could bring me this much sorrow. Sometimes I wish I could kid about this.

I must admit that I listened to "From the Bottom of my Broken Heart" on loop.

Well, if Britney can bounce back from the slumps and now looking so bloody hot in her vid, I guess I CAN!

ok, ignore the bit above. You might use it to inciminate me :) Grow up, people.

Things happen for a reason. Though I am on the brink of emotional death, what amazes me is the amount of friends and support who turned up at the very first sign of help. Yes, Facebook. And Yes, right here on my blog.

Because I would never have the guts to call anyone and cry. I am an introvert. I could try but I even lack the strength to, even, talk. I just cry, and cry, and cry.

I received calls, notes and messages of encouragement from so many people near and far. And although I am unable to respond, I have read each and every single one of them during my sleepless 3 nights. They all touched me in different ways, and I will always remember who you are. I want to thank each and everyone of you for being there, because your words give me strength to take baby steps to move on.

When dealing with grief, I used to be very afraid of myself because there were times that I couldn't control myself. But this time, with all the support I had, I refrained from my usual habit of hurting myself. Technically you all saved my life.

And I do not regret posting the lurid details on my phone conversation with Gio on this blog. Yes, it is blatant. And yes, it could be embarrassing. And yes it can be so tabloid.

But it is real.

I cannot deny the truth though I wish I could. The only lie is the fact that I have never cheated on him though I claimed to do so in my final words to him. This is the least you can do to gain a little credibility from the biggest betrayal.

Pursuant to that blatant post, many were able to empathize with the extent of the hurt. It also prompted several friends who wrote to me, and shared their personal experiences. Even though I didn't feel alone, It is somewhat sad for me to know that there are so many good people who have been betrayed in some way of the other.

But the best part of all is that the post had also reached out to those who are also going through the same pain in silence. As a result i have become very protective of these people, and of my own feelings.

All I can say is that NOBODY deserves to go through this painful end. Not even Gio for what he did to me. Yes, he may be a prick, but I just want him to painfully regret losing me for all his life.

My message to everyone out there is this: Protect your feelings. Love yourself AND others. Never cheat on your loved ones. And if you fall out of love, TELL THEM. Don't ever betray them.

They are so simple, yet constantly abused.

Even in marriage.

Thursday, November 13, 2008



So, here's bringing you the next episode in the this amazingly dramatic fuck of a hell break up drama....

Read on, it just gets better.

24 hours ago, I pined for his love, his return and called him while BEGGING him to take me back. Yes for three days in the running I was devastated, undignified, cried a gallon and slept with the slightest assurance that, 'ok maybe he will come back to me....'

That proved to be stupid thinking.

That changed 3 hours ago. I had a piercing feeling that one cannot break off from a 2 year relationship just by saying.. 'oh I like you alot but this is for your own good... we just cannot be together.'

I dont buy the fact that two people can't be together because one cares too much about the other. Doesn't make sense, right? If two people are in love, anything goes. I mean, really, I just don't buy the whole scenario. The additional scenario I didn't mention in the previous post is that he is breaking up with me because he found out that he had a 6 year old illegitimate child in America.

That was a complicated possibility that we have always discussed very early on in our relationship and of course I accepted it because I loved him. So when the confirmation came, I was sad but ok with his decision to go off to the States. But he kept wanting to break off with me.

Also it makes no sense to dump your girlfriend for a child, right?

Because nothing made sense, I knew there was more to this havoc reasoning. He kept telling me he was not good for me but never really stated why.

So I called him at 6:45pm today. He was in Naples. I had a framework in my mind that goes by saying, 'Gio, someone told me that you found someone else.. tell me if this is true?' I had to put on some crocodile tears.. I must admit that Method Acting comes in pretty handy.

Here's the convo (translated into from Italian to English):

Lyn: Sayang, have you got a minute?
Gio: Si, si....
Lyn: Be true to me.. behind all this.. are you with somebody?
Gio: No, why do you say this?
Lyn: Someone told me. And since this is the last time we will speak, you must be truthful to me.
Lyn: Gio, I know. (pauses) Tell me.


Gio: Yes.

(pause) At this point, Lyn was in total shock.

Lyn: why?
GIo: I am sorry.
Lyn: No you are not.
Gio: Thats why i think it is better to finish with you, I can't keep hurting you.
Lyn: I knew this was true. It was not just the child. It was not just the long distance. (pauses) You found somebody else.

Gio: Si.
Lyn: Ok. (I am going to explode)
Gio: I am sorry.
Lyn: Is she beautiful?
Gio: Why do you ask this?
Lyn: Tell me, is she beautiful?

Gio: Yes.

Lyn: oh god.. (really, this point was pivotal, my loved for him died)
Gio: I am sorry.
Lyn: More beautiful than me?

(silence. He couldn't answer)

Lyn: When did you meet her?
Gio: September.
Lyn: And are you with her now?
Gio: Yes.
Lyn: oh my god..
Gio: I am sorry. That's why I have to break up with you. It's for your own good.
Lyn: I fucking hell moved to Munich for you.
Gio: I know. But we will not be together.... it is still far.
Lyn: Is she Italian? Where is she from?
Gio: Germany.
Lyn: FUCK....
Gio: I am sorry.

Lyn: And you fucking hell said NOTHING to me when I was with you in Perugia last week? I came all the way for you because I loved you!
Gio: But I did tell you not to come...
Lyn: But you never told me why?!!?
Gio: I know, I am sorry. I just didn't want to hurt you.
Lyn: And on that day you told me you will come to me in Munich and you told me that I am your love ?!!??!!?
Gio: I know, I was happy but..
Lyn: And you were fucking her the night before on OUR bed.
Gio: Don't say this. She was never in my bed.
Lyn: Then WHERE?
Gio: I was always at her house.

Lyn: And you were fucking her when you told me you have to work late nights. You WENT to the movies with her, you went shopping with her and you told me you were going to Luigi's house when in fact you were drinking and fucking her...
Gio: no..

Lyn: And you were MAKING LOVE to her during those nights when I sent you text messages at night and YOU NEVER REPLIED. And I cried throughout those nights because I thought that you forgot about me.
Gio: I am sorry Lyn...
Lyn: oh god, I don't know what to do. I feel sick.
Gio: Me too.
Lyn: You were with her from September and yet you sent me messages telling me you missed and loved me.
Gio: I did love you.
Lyn: I don't believe any shit from you. anymore. I can't talk anymore.
Gio: I am sorry Lyn, I am not the guy you want, I am like this and I cannot change. You are far away and I can't do anything.
Lyn: Go fuck her tonight.
Gio: Sayang, stop this;
Lyn: Yes, go. You have her. She is beautiful. And you have a kid somewhere else good luck,

I slammed the phone down. But somehow I felt that needed to get back at him. So I rang him again.

By the way, I fucked someone on your BIRTHDAY.
And he is just like you.

For once, he was very, very pissed off.

That did the trick even though it was half-true.

Thank you for taking 2 years worth of my love for granted. I knew he could be a good person, I believed in him, I trusted him and I had faith in him.

Note the past tense.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO: Angel by SARAH MCLACHLAN

Perhaps one of the hardest things to grasp is an occasion beyond your control. Yesterday I experienced something called grief.

Great grief. It is almost similar to how you feel when a loved one passes away.

I used to think that grief is overrated. But until I had it crawl into my heart yesterday, that’s when I felt really sad. It is sadder than anything that I have experienced in my sheltered life. It paralyses your ability to reason, to smile, and most importantly, to move on. I think it made me stupid.

Prior to this, I never fully understood the grief that people go through when they get dumped. I used to think and get annoyed with a few people: why on earth do you cry on and on and on and on? Drink and forget your problems!!

Until yesterday, I understood fully that no amount of drinking will ever restore your strength to climb out of that damp bed and leave that tear-soaked pillow alone. You are remotely lucky if you are even able to fall asleep for 10 minutes. I haven’t slept in 2 days.

To find a way around this enemy called grief, I will be upfront with you.

Giovanni, the man whom I loved deeply for two years, has left me for good. And the breakup wasn’t executed in the most conventional method where, boy cheats on girl, girl finds out, boy freaks out, girl leaves him, boy chases her, girl cheats on him, and boy breaks up with her.

Honestly, that would have been much easier for me to deal with.

Mine is a little more complicated, and it ended on a terrifying manner. So terrifying that after I made that dreaded phone call to him from the office, I came back shivering at my desk while I should be excited at a 6 digit deal waving at me from my computer screen. At that point, something inert in me had died and I pretty much knew that my life would change. I was (and am) not my usual self.

Friends knew how much I loved him. Perhaps a little too excessively as with any first love. Like most mortals, I have made mistakes with myself and with him. I fault him when he didn’t do any wrong. And he was aloof when my feelings were hurt. That’s when the equation called ‘love’ went wrong.

I met him in Perugia , when I was serving a study scholarship of 3 months. He was the housemate of my fellow compatriots, and it was love at first sight. Two months later, it was his brother’s birthday. We all went. He was drunk. I fancied him. And it started from there. It was perfect at the beginning because he did all he could to court me. Even when he was financially tight he scraped to take me out, surprised me, lit candles for me, cooked for me and used his savings to buy me a necklace for Xmas which he believed reflected the color of my eyes. No man has ever done that for me. Early on I admitted that I was falling in love with him quite deeply.

He was going to be my first boyfriend. And he called me his girlfriend.

All that happened barely a month before I was due to leave for my home country for good. We had a tearful goodbye where I spent the final night at his place, and did the tragic parting scene where he kissed me goodbye and left. 5 minutes later he came back again to do the unbearable farewell. While I thought we would part forever, he promised that he will wait for me despite the uncertainty. And he did.

And so, we embarked on this dreadful and expensive mode of relationship: Long Distance.

I was fortunate to have generous parents and a job that allowed me to travel. I had opportunities to go to him, to relive those beautiful days when we would just stay close together, watch movies, cook lasagna, eat pizza takeaways, drink and to do all the things that lovers do.

I love the kitchen at his place, he is a marvelous cook, did all the hard work while I just watch MTV Italia waiting to be served. Then the house tortoise would peek into the kitchen door and we had to shove him out again. Even if it is just 3 days or 1 week.. they were simply the happiest moments of my life. From the photos we took, the days with him were always, always sunny.

But these brief moments of love were also the triggers of some the saddest moments of my life. I would move into a mode of depression whenever I had part with him. I usually felt very down, and most people didn’t understand why. And because of that I felt alone. Friends fell out with me because they simply didn't understand.

During those interims of encounters we had a god sent device called Skype. And I remember those tender moments when we spoke till I would gradually fall asleep. The next morning when I would wake up for work with a loving feeling in my heart.

There were also times when we couldn't speak on skype due to the time difference, his text messages were brief and rare. Thats when I felt that I was losing him. I became desperate. And I became angry. And I verbally attacked him on more than occasions.

Gradually things deteriorated. He took a job at a local cafe which was full time. Our phone conversations became rare. And text messages were brief. And I became aggressive, manic and upset.

I made it a habit to threaten to leave him several times in order to get his attention. I never intended it but I was often assured that he would say something that he does not want to end and that he wants to stay with me. I knew i was selfish, but i wanted that assurance. However, who would have known that this habit would eventually be fatal.

I eventually took a job in Munich to be closer to him. I knew things would be better and that we could see each other more often. I thought it would be feasible in the long run. But of course my sacrifices would be to move to a country alone where I have never been to, without knowing the language and to leave my family and friends. But he inspired me that I could take that challenge.

So I moved. Adapted there. Three months into my stay he still had not made plans to come to see me. Family and friends were pressuring me that something was wrong. So, on a night when he did not reply to my messages, I became aggressive, threatening and angry once again. As always he would often assure me that things were ok.

On the 25th of October. I made a trip to Rome to see him on a surprise. And he was happy. So was I. And he told me that he loved me. I believed him and I felt an assured hope that we will be okay together. And he promised he would see me towards the end of November. I was so relieved, contented and most of all, hopeful.

However, on the 11th of November, he wrote to say that he will be going back to his hometown on the week he was supposed to see me. I was hugely disappointed because a promise was made and then broken. It didn't come across as important to him and I, again, turned hugely aggressive. I sent him hurtful text messages throughout the night, and his lack of response only made me more angry. And sad.

Yesterday, I received a text from him that he wanted things to be over. It broke me. So I rang him from the office in every hope that maybe things could be saved. But he wasn't swayed. He told me the actual reason, which, turned my blood cold.

And I can't write it here. I wish I could but i would respect his privacy.

But it was something that broke me. He then went on to say that he couldn't see a future with me and I shouldn't try to come to him. Even if i got a job in italy, he told me he would be somewhere else.

That broke me into pieces.

I was shocked. And if only I could describe the sharp pain across my chest and his sudden motive to get rid of me out of his life, I was shattered. And shocked at the other reason which I could not write here. It was too much for me, I became a wreck and perhaps I could have done something drastic had I not been in the office.

And the sad thing is, we were so happy just the week before. Now it has taken a 180 degree turn and I don't know why. He refused to say that he loves me when he just did a week ago. That very night we spoke for the final time, he made the decision and I was out of his life. Eventhough it was against my will and I did want to try to continue. He didn't buy it and he was intent to break up with me. I also saw him cry for the first time.

He said it would be better for me which was the most common excuse for all breakups. I was, to him, like any other girl. Any other ex. I have joined the alumni.

And i somehow I feel, with that unspoken burden of his, he will go back to a particular American girl.

And the saddest thing is, had we stayed on, we could have made it to our 2 years next week.

I haven't heard from him since. I don't know what to do and I feel lost, shocked and afraid. Absolutely lost and far away from home. I can't write this anymore because it breaks my heart.

He has left me alone to deal with grief. This immense grief that is so painful beyond words. I wish he knew. I hope you will understand too.

Monday, November 10, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO: Universo by CRISTINA DONNA

oh hello. I reckon you read my blog. sometimes

but you see. I am drunk. And I will update my blog in this manner because I am more interesting when i am drunk. It is kinda cool and true. yeah. whatever.

so yeah. some of you may work with me. and some of you may, kinda, know me. oh well, whatever.

so yeah, again. I will tell you about myself. I am 25. I am working in munich. I don't speak good german. but neither do I speak any other languages that well. god knows why I was hired. though i know i am freaking good at what i do.

but i am kinda useless anyway, whatever.

but you see. my boyfriend dumped me. And i became an alcoholic. hold on, I have always been one. So thats why he dumped me. no, i am not hot. i have a big bum and no boob.

thats ok. i was never hot to begin with. then there were many guys who dumped me. so i got used to it. because i think i am kinda too cool for them.

ok. I am drunk. whatever. but you know i am still cool. as in, I wont abandon you and I will prevent you from falling into the darkness. i am a good friend unless you screw me behind my back.

ho ho ho ho.

so is anyone coming with me to the Cologne festival in February? like, seriously.