Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Letting Go

Crooning on my STEREO: Titanium by David Guetta 

 Letting go - I hate that phrase. It is a little obnoxious when you HAD something, and then having (or forced!) to drop it into the ocean. We associate this circumstance with loving someone or something, and then having to forsake it for the better of the other half.

In other words, selfless Love.

What the hell is that? Who buys that?

Straight to the point, I loved a boy. Boy didn't love me in return. He went to somebody else. My heart broke.


Boy loved me. I didn't love him. I left. His heart broke.

Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons, and in my uneventful life I had the pleasure of experiencing both ends of the sword within the span of 6 months. The latter circumstance is easier to deal with as I am not the one bawling my eyes out. However the guilt of not being able to reciprocate a good person's feelings also has devastating effects on my psyche. I feel pretty bad.

There is nothing more lame than to carry that guilt onto the next person you meet. Naturally we tend to carry burdens of the past onto the next relationship because we are so afraid of repeating the same mistakes.

Also we are shit scared of karma's vengeance: because I thought I had hurt someone so bad, the same crap was going to come back at me.

I met the man of my dreams (seriously!) sometime ago. He was perfect: hot, clever, funny, charming, sweet, gorgeous, and all the good stuff. Family and friends loved him. He thought I was THE ONE for him, so did I on the vice versa - but that momentary fairy tale didn't last long until he made a runner for my friend. Damn.

Obviously my heart broke. Even worse when you catch them in your closet together.

That shit you can never forget. 

So I did everything to let go of the heartache - I did my nails, went shopping, overhauled myself, waxed my legs and all that shallow beautifying. I even went to a sharman who charged me 300 Euros during a session where I just slept and did nothing.

Sadly being the best looking person I can be can never replace that feeling of abandonment. 

I drummed the notion of martyrdom into my head that if I really loved this dude, I should be happy if he is happy. But theoretically, how can you delude yourself into happiness when your heart is sobbing with low self esteem because he chose to bang your friend over you?

I decided that the best way to move on, is not actually moving on, but to find a way back to myself in order to be happy again.

I am still working on it until today. Tough job.

I am back at 30!!!!

Crooning on my STEREO: Run by Amy McDonald
Knock knock, are you there?

You know what is really insane? It is because after two years of absence I am now reattempting to revive this blog. I was tempted to wipe off this old one and start anew, but after much deliberation (and mulling over old posts) this anthology (!!!) would be too precious to chuck away. Even when I am thirty!

And of course, I cannot remain anonymous - which means all my work clients, newfound friends, relatives, prospective business partners may stumble upon this cyber diary and have a great laugh.
They will read all about my insecure and hormonal complaints over stupid boys, mayonaise and expired socialist ideals. I hate to think that someone may have already printed a whole issue to shock me into embarassment on Christmas day!

 The core update: I have just turned 30, moved back to Munich, tied to wonderful job (still in TV), newly single, shed 6kg of puppy fat and deeply alcoholic. In a nutshell, it does not come across that I have progressed much since Amsterdam (apart from the single factor).

Speaking of being alone, I do have a cat named Tigger who was rescued from the streets of Singapore but she has a Swiss Passport. Ok, I am jumping over some fact but it feels darn good vomiting some random updates. This is the same feeling as meeting up with a childhood friend you have not seen in ages and babbling news in a non-chronological order. Blah blah blah they call it.

Off for my manicure now, and lots to fill you in later :)