Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Crooning on my STEREO: Nuotando Nell'aria by Marlene Kuntz

Dear friends,

You might have stumbled onto this site because you were concerned. Or curious. And I do appreciate you being here. During the time when I returned from my studies in Perugia till the time when I first moved to Munich for a great job, I have abandoned this site briefly because I didn't have much to write.

But who would have thought that now I would be hanging on to this for dear life.

My decision to suspend my Facebook account is to give me interim. I know that cutting off from a network may come across as offensive to some, but I just want to let you all know that I do care. This is something that has to be done even if it is against my initial will.

I am sorry for everything.

It is only best for everyone. And I know good friends will always find a way to connect to me somehow. I am sorry that I have to be selfish.

The past 5 weeks was pivotal. There is also so much that I wish I could share with you, but what you know about what really happened with Gio was only 70% of the whole story. As for the rest, I can only tell you in the form of a bittersweet film.

Which is why some of you may wonder why I can't get over it. And fretting as to why I am carrying so much of emotional burden. And perplexed as to why I am punishing myself.

"Why can't this girl put herself together? It's so trivial!"

I know that for as long as I remained online, I would seek him. Even though I know fully well that he is free to connect with his past loves, it somehow hurts me so bad. I have done everything possible to curb my self destructive trail, but nothing could calm my god forsaken heart.

Because she truly is beautiful. And I am not.

This should never be surprising. I have lost many men in my life and I have been rejected more times than you can imagine, so why should this be any different?

Because I loved him. I wanted to marry him. He thought of marrying me. We wanted kids together. He was the man who showed me that happiness is nothing equivalent to buying a Porsche. And all that we needed was just each other; I didn't need all the material comfort I was showered with from birth. I could abandon all my luxuries because loving him was so simple and pure.

My happiness was him. And because of him, I knew love was happiness.

Within the turn of two years he had hurt me. He chose to give up my love so that he could give his love to another girl. And now I can barely accept that I will ever be good enough for anyone whom I will be able to fall in love with. I have, pretty officially, morphed into a wreck.

At this point, Gio is no longer the enemy. My biggest enemy would be myself.

My friends and family have stood by me from the very beginning. But there will also come a time when i will have to walk this journey alone. It is indeed a very long road ahead for girl who once believed that she could overcome every obstacle that came her way.

Life is never always rosy. Loss is something that is permanent, and can never be replaced. Just like death.

It is now time for me to fight the rest of the battle on my own in every route to recovery. Please understand that it is now crucial for me to abandon my online presence in the meantime so that I can feel what is truly real, and not imagined.

This trauma is equivalent to that of cancer. You can always battle a tumor but it is also something where one can never recover fully but is able to triumph with time. It is never always physically, but often mentally.

Trust me, this is something I know very well. I have to fight for my life.

It all takes courage. I vow to seek the smiling girl who once left on a plane to Malaga in 2004, without a care in the world. She would be happy, and never burdened.

God willing that I will return into your lives one day.

Lots of love and God bless,
Lyn xxx