Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Crooning on my STEREO: Nuotando Nell'aria by Marlene Kuntz

Dear friends,

You might have stumbled onto this site because you were concerned. Or curious. And I do appreciate you being here. During the time when I returned from my studies in Perugia till the time when I first moved to Munich for a great job, I have abandoned this site briefly because I didn't have much to write.

But who would have thought that now I would be hanging on to this for dear life.

My decision to suspend my Facebook account is to give me interim. I know that cutting off from a network may come across as offensive to some, but I just want to let you all know that I do care. This is something that has to be done even if it is against my initial will.

I am sorry for everything.

It is only best for everyone. And I know good friends will always find a way to connect to me somehow. I am sorry that I have to be selfish.

The past 5 weeks was pivotal. There is also so much that I wish I could share with you, but what you know about what really happened with Gio was only 70% of the whole story. As for the rest, I can only tell you in the form of a bittersweet film.

Which is why some of you may wonder why I can't get over it. And fretting as to why I am carrying so much of emotional burden. And perplexed as to why I am punishing myself.

"Why can't this girl put herself together? It's so trivial!"

I know that for as long as I remained online, I would seek him. Even though I know fully well that he is free to connect with his past loves, it somehow hurts me so bad. I have done everything possible to curb my self destructive trail, but nothing could calm my god forsaken heart.

Because she truly is beautiful. And I am not.

This should never be surprising. I have lost many men in my life and I have been rejected more times than you can imagine, so why should this be any different?

Because I loved him. I wanted to marry him. He thought of marrying me. We wanted kids together. He was the man who showed me that happiness is nothing equivalent to buying a Porsche. And all that we needed was just each other; I didn't need all the material comfort I was showered with from birth. I could abandon all my luxuries because loving him was so simple and pure.

My happiness was him. And because of him, I knew love was happiness.

Within the turn of two years he had hurt me. He chose to give up my love so that he could give his love to another girl. And now I can barely accept that I will ever be good enough for anyone whom I will be able to fall in love with. I have, pretty officially, morphed into a wreck.

At this point, Gio is no longer the enemy. My biggest enemy would be myself.

My friends and family have stood by me from the very beginning. But there will also come a time when i will have to walk this journey alone. It is indeed a very long road ahead for girl who once believed that she could overcome every obstacle that came her way.

Life is never always rosy. Loss is something that is permanent, and can never be replaced. Just like death.

It is now time for me to fight the rest of the battle on my own in every route to recovery. Please understand that it is now crucial for me to abandon my online presence in the meantime so that I can feel what is truly real, and not imagined.

This trauma is equivalent to that of cancer. You can always battle a tumor but it is also something where one can never recover fully but is able to triumph with time. It is never always physically, but often mentally.

Trust me, this is something I know very well. I have to fight for my life.

It all takes courage. I vow to seek the smiling girl who once left on a plane to Malaga in 2004, without a care in the world. She would be happy, and never burdened.

God willing that I will return into your lives one day.

Lots of love and God bless,
Lyn xxx

Sunday, November 30, 2008

This, too, will pass.. hopefully.

Crooning on my STEREO: Male in Povere by AFTERHOURS

Before I leave for the Malaga TV Market and London tomorrow, I want to let you know that the past four weeks I have dealt with a traitor, a harlot, an undertaker and a maniac.

You wonder how much one can take? Honestly I don't know. I have seen courageous people overcoming the greatest odds and earthquakes. Frankly I used to believe that I could be one of them, but as you can see; it only takes the loss of one man to trigger a series of shipwrecks on me.

As if the breakup was not dramatic enough, I had to face off several equally traumatizing events which I wish I could put them down here on this column.

But I was told that I shouldn't. Due to legal reasons. Even though writing is serious therapy for me. But damn those rumor mongers; they even robbed my only peace of mind.

I lost the man I love, and now I am left to deal with a psycho. Alone.

I need my family. They are my only love.

I love my friends too, but I cannot bring myself to impose onto them.

I know things could be worse, and I pray that it wouldn't. But I must admit that the constant accumulation of trauma tears my heart. There were times I couldn't connect to it. There were times I prayed for divine intervention.

This emo drive is so unlike me. But I can't lie about my melancholy. I just can't bring myself to deny sadness and write you a happy post. That will just come across as, so, FAKE.

Why, and what have I done wrong? This is really not so bad but why do I feel so bad?

My health is suffering. Please, I pray, don't let anything else get any worse.

I even decided to suspend my job promotion.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

This, too, will pass

Crooning on my STEREO: What A Wonderful World by BOB SINCLAR ft Axwell

From the choice of song I reckon i am getting better. I bought the 2009 MOS Annual and I realized that - I have Ibiza and Bob Sinclar to look forward to. I have always wanted to do this before I turn 28 (freaking 3 years from now) and I really shouldn't complain.

Ok I do get my fits about Gio. I miss him like hell.
But I am annoyed at several things so that keeps me distracted from reeling about the whole catastrophe. Obviously I wouldn't tell you everything here, in case some lame psychotic ass would take it word for word and say,"ohhhh Lynnn you lied to me and you are soooo immature. I know the real youuuuu" I am already dealing with a classic example of that type of loser who is spreading lies about me right here in Munich.

Best thing is, I have nothing to do with this insecure and deluded pest. I hardly even know him.

I stalk Il DiVO. YES. Claro Que Si. Doh.

I stalk him? Eeww. L A M E. I did feel sorry for him but there's a line when things go out of hand. Especially if it threatens to affect me professionally.

The next rumor that lands on my table will bring about a surprise. He will probably read this special mention since he is stalking me anyway. Ah, the bitter price of fame.

See? I got 20% of my self esteem back.

Then there's the arduous decision between the car and the dog as a micro attempt next year to replace Gio. Here's the drift:-

The Material Investment: Car
Pros: Looks cool. Something to brag. Good for avoiding freezing your butt off during winter. No U-Bahn MVGs to harass you on tickets. I can drive to Salzburg. I can park in front of clubs.
Cons: 36 month repayment scheme for a first hand. Left hand drive. Not cheap.

The Emotional Investment: Dog
Pros: They are better than men. They really make you happy. I can bring him to work too. And I live opposite a park thats as big as Oxford.
Cons: My work travels. I am usually away for a week so who's going to care for the poor dear? And if he dies I wouldn't want to go through this sorrowful stage again and flood you with depressive posts.

I am trying to choose one of the two as a mode to get down to earth. Help me out and give me your votes now!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Moving On

Crooning on my STEREO: Quiero Ser by AMAIA MONTERO

People, listen to my woes.

Ever since I have been dropped into that pile of shit; I have deteriorated in looks, social skills, zest and wit. I probably stink. I am now fat. I throw myself into work, I obsess over emails and I have to knock down at least 500ml of alco just calm my nerves every evening.

I am turning into a wreck.

Best thing is, he doesn't even know it. He doesn't care. He is probably making love to her as I speak.

Oh god. Eww.

That makes me sick in the day. Then it makes me cry in the night. Really, I can't bloody get over it. So I reckon the temporary relief is to either get very drunk, pass out and pray I will never have to wake up in 5 hours. Even his friends have disappeared.

Wishful thinking, I am now back from Barcelona and nothing of that self pity has changed. I am still the same. So you will have to tolerate at least another 5 depressing blog posts here.

I told you, this is hard. On the bright side, I found almost everything else easier. I could even ring DHL in German and get them to redirect my box of figure skates. Hoo-Hah.

So yeah, I will never have to speak Italian again. Unless I am dealing with RAI which fortunately there is no need to. They are run by women and they don't like dealing with women.

I got my blackberry back today. It is still cracked. Nothing has changed.

So now I am back to square one. Everybody else is inspiring me to ridicule stupid men and continue to live.

Yes I bloody hell can.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Day 5 After The Storm

Crooning on my STEREO:
If I Were A Boy by BEYONCE

I dreamt of him with her again last night. When will this ever end?

It has been 7 days since the storm, and fuck it still feels like it happened yesterday. It hurts. So bad.

After all that he has done, I still miss him. so much.

Oh God. Help me.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Day 3 After The Storm

Crooning on my STEREO: All Cried Out by ALLURE

Mum is here with me today, so it is alright. When you have someone minding you after work hours and nagging at the flat, i guess it distracts me quite a bit. I hate to say that when I was out shopping with her just now, I passed by the perfume shop and I had a glance at Moschino Friends. That familiar scent.

Now, it rings a bell as to why he finished that bottle I bought him in March. That was hardly 7 months ago. And I knew he could keep a small bottle for years.

He was using it with her. Even the shower gel. The aftershave.

See? I can't get over it. All these little details are sinking in. It drives me nuts. He's got a nice new jacket. He shopped it with her. He has got a new pair of trendy eye glasses. He shopped it with her. And he lost weight.

And he looked so good just two weeks ago.

It is probably because of her.

I can't stop whining. And so i thought it may be best if someone got me a photo of her so that I am convinced that she is ugly. I swear I will shut up.

Betrayal is a bitch. Schlampe. And it is winter. So I have decided to enrol for ski lessons in January. I have got my skis, boots except the sticks. I am going to dig winter sports. My loyal figure ice skates are on the way from KL to Munich via Fedex. My lovely friends are encouraging me to go out again. I am hoping to get a car by next winter, and my calculations tells me that getting a Porsche in Bavaria is a better long term bet than a BMW.

Even work is empathizing with me. My promotion occurred at the same time as the crisis. Consequently they revealed my 2009 business travel agenda which consist of almost everywhere except Italy. Thank god for that.

Some say that at 25, I have the whole world in front of me.

But I am struggling to smile. It is hard.

What is happiness when you have lost the one you love for eternity? A porsche can never replace that.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Day 2 After The Storm

Crooning on my STEREO: White Flag by DIDO

I managed some sleep last night for a change. I cooked for my work colleagues and we had alot of booze, which is often a good thing. I passed out on my sofa, and I am so gonna sleep there from now on. I have to leave that damp bed alone for now.

Progress is always a good sign. Of course I sill feel incredibly shit in the mornings; often upon the realization that I will never wake up beside him again in this life. And there is often the pain of visualizing him with her instead of me.

Till today I still have not heard from him. And that kind of hurts.

Long distance killed the relationship between us, but she and him are now together and will be together without the distance. I know he can be good without the distance.

Till now, as I should be angry, I still find it hard to accept. The whole scenario is sinking in and I tend to blame myself. It is utterly stupid, i know. My mind kept analyzing the conversation when I begged him to take me back because I know we could work things out with the baby. But he kept pushing me away. I should have read the signs that he did not want to tell me that he was already with another girl in Perugia.

A bloody pain I know. I rearranged the furniture in my flat today. I got an extended contract and a promotion at work. Since I will be staying around for quite some time in Germany I thought of 3 things I could do to momentarily ease the pain and regain a little self esteem:-

1) Buy a dog

2) Buy a BMW

3) Internet Dating

I have never tried the third one but I reckon meeting odd people might be amusing enough to keep me off the relationship radar.

Yes, I have changed.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

After the storm

Crooning on my STEREO: Don't Speak by NO DOUBT

It is 6:30 AM on a Saturday.

And I haven't slept. Even though I am exhausted. Well, I kind of did for about 2 hours till I woke up at 2 am and I am just unable to will myself back to sleep. I tried counting sheep. I tried reading Pushkin. I surfed German TV. I am tempted to do laps but the pool is not open.

And so I blog. It is my way of dealing with this. I live alone in a flat. I often imagined him and the other girl, and how they were together on halloween night just the day before I arrived happily in Rome to meet him for the first time in 6 months. Then I imagined how they went to the movies the day after I left Perugia as a carefree girl full of hope.

As I said, it is not easy. I have had it very tough the past week.

And I thought that only death could bring me this much sorrow. Sometimes I wish I could kid about this.

I must admit that I listened to "From the Bottom of my Broken Heart" on loop.

Well, if Britney can bounce back from the slumps and now looking so bloody hot in her vid, I guess I CAN!

ok, ignore the bit above. You might use it to inciminate me :) Grow up, people.

Things happen for a reason. Though I am on the brink of emotional death, what amazes me is the amount of friends and support who turned up at the very first sign of help. Yes, Facebook. And Yes, right here on my blog.

Because I would never have the guts to call anyone and cry. I am an introvert. I could try but I even lack the strength to, even, talk. I just cry, and cry, and cry.

I received calls, notes and messages of encouragement from so many people near and far. And although I am unable to respond, I have read each and every single one of them during my sleepless 3 nights. They all touched me in different ways, and I will always remember who you are. I want to thank each and everyone of you for being there, because your words give me strength to take baby steps to move on.

When dealing with grief, I used to be very afraid of myself because there were times that I couldn't control myself. But this time, with all the support I had, I refrained from my usual habit of hurting myself. Technically you all saved my life.

And I do not regret posting the lurid details on my phone conversation with Gio on this blog. Yes, it is blatant. And yes, it could be embarrassing. And yes it can be so tabloid.

But it is real.

I cannot deny the truth though I wish I could. The only lie is the fact that I have never cheated on him though I claimed to do so in my final words to him. This is the least you can do to gain a little credibility from the biggest betrayal.

Pursuant to that blatant post, many were able to empathize with the extent of the hurt. It also prompted several friends who wrote to me, and shared their personal experiences. Even though I didn't feel alone, It is somewhat sad for me to know that there are so many good people who have been betrayed in some way of the other.

But the best part of all is that the post had also reached out to those who are also going through the same pain in silence. As a result i have become very protective of these people, and of my own feelings.

All I can say is that NOBODY deserves to go through this painful end. Not even Gio for what he did to me. Yes, he may be a prick, but I just want him to painfully regret losing me for all his life.

My message to everyone out there is this: Protect your feelings. Love yourself AND others. Never cheat on your loved ones. And if you fall out of love, TELL THEM. Don't ever betray them.

They are so simple, yet constantly abused.

Even in marriage.

Thursday, November 13, 2008



So, here's bringing you the next episode in the this amazingly dramatic fuck of a hell break up drama....

Read on, it just gets better.

24 hours ago, I pined for his love, his return and called him while BEGGING him to take me back. Yes for three days in the running I was devastated, undignified, cried a gallon and slept with the slightest assurance that, 'ok maybe he will come back to me....'

That proved to be stupid thinking.

That changed 3 hours ago. I had a piercing feeling that one cannot break off from a 2 year relationship just by saying.. 'oh I like you alot but this is for your own good... we just cannot be together.'

I dont buy the fact that two people can't be together because one cares too much about the other. Doesn't make sense, right? If two people are in love, anything goes. I mean, really, I just don't buy the whole scenario. The additional scenario I didn't mention in the previous post is that he is breaking up with me because he found out that he had a 6 year old illegitimate child in America.

That was a complicated possibility that we have always discussed very early on in our relationship and of course I accepted it because I loved him. So when the confirmation came, I was sad but ok with his decision to go off to the States. But he kept wanting to break off with me.

Also it makes no sense to dump your girlfriend for a child, right?

Because nothing made sense, I knew there was more to this havoc reasoning. He kept telling me he was not good for me but never really stated why.

So I called him at 6:45pm today. He was in Naples. I had a framework in my mind that goes by saying, 'Gio, someone told me that you found someone else.. tell me if this is true?' I had to put on some crocodile tears.. I must admit that Method Acting comes in pretty handy.

Here's the convo (translated into from Italian to English):

Lyn: Sayang, have you got a minute?
Gio: Si, si....
Lyn: Be true to me.. behind all this.. are you with somebody?
Gio: No, why do you say this?
Lyn: Someone told me. And since this is the last time we will speak, you must be truthful to me.
Lyn: Gio, I know. (pauses) Tell me.


Gio: Yes.

(pause) At this point, Lyn was in total shock.

Lyn: why?
GIo: I am sorry.
Lyn: No you are not.
Gio: Thats why i think it is better to finish with you, I can't keep hurting you.
Lyn: I knew this was true. It was not just the child. It was not just the long distance. (pauses) You found somebody else.

Gio: Si.
Lyn: Ok. (I am going to explode)
Gio: I am sorry.
Lyn: Is she beautiful?
Gio: Why do you ask this?
Lyn: Tell me, is she beautiful?

Gio: Yes.

Lyn: oh god.. (really, this point was pivotal, my loved for him died)
Gio: I am sorry.
Lyn: More beautiful than me?

(silence. He couldn't answer)

Lyn: When did you meet her?
Gio: September.
Lyn: And are you with her now?
Gio: Yes.
Lyn: oh my god..
Gio: I am sorry. That's why I have to break up with you. It's for your own good.
Lyn: I fucking hell moved to Munich for you.
Gio: I know. But we will not be together.... it is still far.
Lyn: Is she Italian? Where is she from?
Gio: Germany.
Lyn: FUCK....
Gio: I am sorry.

Lyn: And you fucking hell said NOTHING to me when I was with you in Perugia last week? I came all the way for you because I loved you!
Gio: But I did tell you not to come...
Lyn: But you never told me why?!!?
Gio: I know, I am sorry. I just didn't want to hurt you.
Lyn: And on that day you told me you will come to me in Munich and you told me that I am your love ?!!??!!?
Gio: I know, I was happy but..
Lyn: And you were fucking her the night before on OUR bed.
Gio: Don't say this. She was never in my bed.
Lyn: Then WHERE?
Gio: I was always at her house.

Lyn: And you were fucking her when you told me you have to work late nights. You WENT to the movies with her, you went shopping with her and you told me you were going to Luigi's house when in fact you were drinking and fucking her...
Gio: no..

Lyn: And you were MAKING LOVE to her during those nights when I sent you text messages at night and YOU NEVER REPLIED. And I cried throughout those nights because I thought that you forgot about me.
Gio: I am sorry Lyn...
Lyn: oh god, I don't know what to do. I feel sick.
Gio: Me too.
Lyn: You were with her from September and yet you sent me messages telling me you missed and loved me.
Gio: I did love you.
Lyn: I don't believe any shit from you. anymore. I can't talk anymore.
Gio: I am sorry Lyn, I am not the guy you want, I am like this and I cannot change. You are far away and I can't do anything.
Lyn: Go fuck her tonight.
Gio: Sayang, stop this;
Lyn: Yes, go. You have her. She is beautiful. And you have a kid somewhere else good luck,

I slammed the phone down. But somehow I felt that needed to get back at him. So I rang him again.

By the way, I fucked someone on your BIRTHDAY.
And he is just like you.

For once, he was very, very pissed off.

That did the trick even though it was half-true.

Thank you for taking 2 years worth of my love for granted. I knew he could be a good person, I believed in him, I trusted him and I had faith in him.

Note the past tense.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO: Angel by SARAH MCLACHLAN

Perhaps one of the hardest things to grasp is an occasion beyond your control. Yesterday I experienced something called grief.

Great grief. It is almost similar to how you feel when a loved one passes away.

I used to think that grief is overrated. But until I had it crawl into my heart yesterday, that’s when I felt really sad. It is sadder than anything that I have experienced in my sheltered life. It paralyses your ability to reason, to smile, and most importantly, to move on. I think it made me stupid.

Prior to this, I never fully understood the grief that people go through when they get dumped. I used to think and get annoyed with a few people: why on earth do you cry on and on and on and on? Drink and forget your problems!!

Until yesterday, I understood fully that no amount of drinking will ever restore your strength to climb out of that damp bed and leave that tear-soaked pillow alone. You are remotely lucky if you are even able to fall asleep for 10 minutes. I haven’t slept in 2 days.

To find a way around this enemy called grief, I will be upfront with you.

Giovanni, the man whom I loved deeply for two years, has left me for good. And the breakup wasn’t executed in the most conventional method where, boy cheats on girl, girl finds out, boy freaks out, girl leaves him, boy chases her, girl cheats on him, and boy breaks up with her.

Honestly, that would have been much easier for me to deal with.

Mine is a little more complicated, and it ended on a terrifying manner. So terrifying that after I made that dreaded phone call to him from the office, I came back shivering at my desk while I should be excited at a 6 digit deal waving at me from my computer screen. At that point, something inert in me had died and I pretty much knew that my life would change. I was (and am) not my usual self.

Friends knew how much I loved him. Perhaps a little too excessively as with any first love. Like most mortals, I have made mistakes with myself and with him. I fault him when he didn’t do any wrong. And he was aloof when my feelings were hurt. That’s when the equation called ‘love’ went wrong.

I met him in Perugia , when I was serving a study scholarship of 3 months. He was the housemate of my fellow compatriots, and it was love at first sight. Two months later, it was his brother’s birthday. We all went. He was drunk. I fancied him. And it started from there. It was perfect at the beginning because he did all he could to court me. Even when he was financially tight he scraped to take me out, surprised me, lit candles for me, cooked for me and used his savings to buy me a necklace for Xmas which he believed reflected the color of my eyes. No man has ever done that for me. Early on I admitted that I was falling in love with him quite deeply.

He was going to be my first boyfriend. And he called me his girlfriend.

All that happened barely a month before I was due to leave for my home country for good. We had a tearful goodbye where I spent the final night at his place, and did the tragic parting scene where he kissed me goodbye and left. 5 minutes later he came back again to do the unbearable farewell. While I thought we would part forever, he promised that he will wait for me despite the uncertainty. And he did.

And so, we embarked on this dreadful and expensive mode of relationship: Long Distance.

I was fortunate to have generous parents and a job that allowed me to travel. I had opportunities to go to him, to relive those beautiful days when we would just stay close together, watch movies, cook lasagna, eat pizza takeaways, drink and to do all the things that lovers do.

I love the kitchen at his place, he is a marvelous cook, did all the hard work while I just watch MTV Italia waiting to be served. Then the house tortoise would peek into the kitchen door and we had to shove him out again. Even if it is just 3 days or 1 week.. they were simply the happiest moments of my life. From the photos we took, the days with him were always, always sunny.

But these brief moments of love were also the triggers of some the saddest moments of my life. I would move into a mode of depression whenever I had part with him. I usually felt very down, and most people didn’t understand why. And because of that I felt alone. Friends fell out with me because they simply didn't understand.

During those interims of encounters we had a god sent device called Skype. And I remember those tender moments when we spoke till I would gradually fall asleep. The next morning when I would wake up for work with a loving feeling in my heart.

There were also times when we couldn't speak on skype due to the time difference, his text messages were brief and rare. Thats when I felt that I was losing him. I became desperate. And I became angry. And I verbally attacked him on more than occasions.

Gradually things deteriorated. He took a job at a local cafe which was full time. Our phone conversations became rare. And text messages were brief. And I became aggressive, manic and upset.

I made it a habit to threaten to leave him several times in order to get his attention. I never intended it but I was often assured that he would say something that he does not want to end and that he wants to stay with me. I knew i was selfish, but i wanted that assurance. However, who would have known that this habit would eventually be fatal.

I eventually took a job in Munich to be closer to him. I knew things would be better and that we could see each other more often. I thought it would be feasible in the long run. But of course my sacrifices would be to move to a country alone where I have never been to, without knowing the language and to leave my family and friends. But he inspired me that I could take that challenge.

So I moved. Adapted there. Three months into my stay he still had not made plans to come to see me. Family and friends were pressuring me that something was wrong. So, on a night when he did not reply to my messages, I became aggressive, threatening and angry once again. As always he would often assure me that things were ok.

On the 25th of October. I made a trip to Rome to see him on a surprise. And he was happy. So was I. And he told me that he loved me. I believed him and I felt an assured hope that we will be okay together. And he promised he would see me towards the end of November. I was so relieved, contented and most of all, hopeful.

However, on the 11th of November, he wrote to say that he will be going back to his hometown on the week he was supposed to see me. I was hugely disappointed because a promise was made and then broken. It didn't come across as important to him and I, again, turned hugely aggressive. I sent him hurtful text messages throughout the night, and his lack of response only made me more angry. And sad.

Yesterday, I received a text from him that he wanted things to be over. It broke me. So I rang him from the office in every hope that maybe things could be saved. But he wasn't swayed. He told me the actual reason, which, turned my blood cold.

And I can't write it here. I wish I could but i would respect his privacy.

But it was something that broke me. He then went on to say that he couldn't see a future with me and I shouldn't try to come to him. Even if i got a job in italy, he told me he would be somewhere else.

That broke me into pieces.

I was shocked. And if only I could describe the sharp pain across my chest and his sudden motive to get rid of me out of his life, I was shattered. And shocked at the other reason which I could not write here. It was too much for me, I became a wreck and perhaps I could have done something drastic had I not been in the office.

And the sad thing is, we were so happy just the week before. Now it has taken a 180 degree turn and I don't know why. He refused to say that he loves me when he just did a week ago. That very night we spoke for the final time, he made the decision and I was out of his life. Eventhough it was against my will and I did want to try to continue. He didn't buy it and he was intent to break up with me. I also saw him cry for the first time.

He said it would be better for me which was the most common excuse for all breakups. I was, to him, like any other girl. Any other ex. I have joined the alumni.

And i somehow I feel, with that unspoken burden of his, he will go back to a particular American girl.

And the saddest thing is, had we stayed on, we could have made it to our 2 years next week.

I haven't heard from him since. I don't know what to do and I feel lost, shocked and afraid. Absolutely lost and far away from home. I can't write this anymore because it breaks my heart.

He has left me alone to deal with grief. This immense grief that is so painful beyond words. I wish he knew. I hope you will understand too.

Monday, November 10, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO: Universo by CRISTINA DONNA

oh hello. I reckon you read my blog. sometimes

but you see. I am drunk. And I will update my blog in this manner because I am more interesting when i am drunk. It is kinda cool and true. yeah. whatever.

so yeah. some of you may work with me. and some of you may, kinda, know me. oh well, whatever.

so yeah, again. I will tell you about myself. I am 25. I am working in munich. I don't speak good german. but neither do I speak any other languages that well. god knows why I was hired. though i know i am freaking good at what i do.

but i am kinda useless anyway, whatever.

but you see. my boyfriend dumped me. And i became an alcoholic. hold on, I have always been one. So thats why he dumped me. no, i am not hot. i have a big bum and no boob.

thats ok. i was never hot to begin with. then there were many guys who dumped me. so i got used to it. because i think i am kinda too cool for them.

ok. I am drunk. whatever. but you know i am still cool. as in, I wont abandon you and I will prevent you from falling into the darkness. i am a good friend unless you screw me behind my back.

ho ho ho ho.

so is anyone coming with me to the Cologne festival in February? like, seriously.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Good night

Crooning on my STEREO: Warwick Avenue by DUFFY

When your heart stops beating you know you can finally sleep in peace.

Friday, October 03, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO: Back On The Road by MADCON ft PAPERBOYS

Life is pretty darn odd actually, I think it has a lot to do with what's predestined by the above, though I have absolutely no idea what is the ordain or who is the planner nor why things should be fated in a certain way. So, yeah, a lot of things totally don't make sense like what I have just blabbered and somehow we are programmed to survive.

So now you hear from me. I was thrown out of my comfort zone in the last two months, and what seemed like a carefree lifestyle somewhat turned haywire. Again, I had to say goodbye to the people I love most; my family. That's really tough but I know I would do them proud. I got a credible job solely through the strength of my skills and my CV, which meant there is so much ahead for me and God willing my visa will be ok.

This is the odd part:

Some of you who have known me long enough can testify that I hate MICHAEL SCHUMACHER more than the kitchen rat, and who would have known that I had to make a sudden move to Deutschland- a country I had never previously set foot in.

And who would have also known that I would grow into loving this place. I have dreamt of other places, but certain NOT Germany, but yet I can't help but to feel that I could actually live here. My German is lousy and yet people understood what I meant. Wow, thats totally FATED.

I have made more wonderful friends in a month here than I ever did in 4 years in Britain. Now that's great.

However I have also learnt about reciprocation. There are some people who will do anything for you. They will do anything to win your heart, believing that perhaps you feel the same way too. Their immense faith overwhelms you, and you actually get freaked out.

And there are also some people who will blatantly hurt you and leave you. There are just too many beautiful people around, so they have the right to choose. Frankly I would rather have their sausages cut off.

I thought I had always been acquainted with such, but to experience these two scenarios first hand gave me a clear conscience never to hurt anybody unless they have hurt me. At the end of the day, I often seek shelter with those who have always, loved me.

I should have learnt these things at high school.

Sure thing. OKTOBERFEST is such a great source of education. I could be living some of the best times of my life.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Bis Bald Babyyyyyy!!!

Crooning on my STEREO:

Everything is just totally weird, happening too fast and wow. The visa that took 200 months, the draftingcontract that overran 2 months and the manic packing that took 2.5 days.

Since I am scrambling for precious time, I can only keep this short and sweet.

Here's my new home for now:-

This is totally WEIRD!!!!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Vodka and Tears

Crooning on my STEREO:

When was the last time you bawled your eyes out?

Firstly, its the long distance trauma which nobody empathizes with the amount of crap I have to endure for the past 2 years.

Bloody hell. Now here's the film which I CANNOT make myself watch because it just makes me bawl and bawl and bawl:

OH MY GOD can someone REMIND ME NEVER TO TAKE VODKA? Surely it makes sense as to why the Russians take it on a daily basis.

You may be surprised to learn that I have FEELINGS too. HUMAN EMOTIONS that is. Surprise Surprise. At this rate, I can CRY till kingdom come. It better NOT KILL ME, dude.

May the good Lord save me.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here!!

Crooning on my STEREO: Stop and Stare by ONE REPUBLIC

By now, we have all heard that Malaysians are in the midst of exile from entering Britain sans Visa despite being a Commonwealth compatriot. Now our colonial Motherland is contemplating on making our lives a little EASIER; ie. by making us fill in 20 pages of forms, submitting 10 copies of photographs, queuing up at the very friendly embassy and having to fork out a hefty processing fee in POUNDS for every application. (1 quid = 7 Ringgit Malaysia)

With all my dignity I REFUSE to be treated as a 4th world national.

My heart reaches out to those who have never taken a photo in front of the structural BIG BEN. With the impending Visa rule, they will probably never have the chance to do so. So let's go Paris instead.

You can read my view that was published on a local daily paper here.

But even Paris will not suffice sans Visa. Because if the UK regulation does take effect, there is a likelihood that the entire EU will follow suit. I am just hoping that this is just a shock propaganda to scare the idiots outta the country.

I am not surprised why we are condemned to such immigration torture. There are plenty of IDIOTS (Malaysians, I am embarassed to say) who are overstaying in the UK. In other words, there's a suspected bundle of illegal immigrants from MALAYSIA. There are students who enter Britain with a student visa when they have no intention of coming home, EVER. I know exactly who they are and, oh, how I wish I can report those.

Okay I don't get it. If you bloody hell want WORK in the UK, what the hell are you working as a KITCHEN HAND in Euston? You can be just that in Malaysia. If you can be bloody hell be a waitress, why is it more painful to do just that in Malaysia??

I know, I know. You want a better life.


Don't be a dumbass. Even if you marry your local butcher in every hope of getting a PR, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SOCIALLY REGARDED AS A FOREIGNER. Get that? There is no glamour in that. Your mother in law may adore you but your neighbours will be bitching about you.

Then you will say.. well, my children will have a better life in the UK...


Some will say, yeah... but Malaysia has no hope, no chance of advancement, blah blah...

This also applies to legal migrants. You are so naive. If you want to work in Banking in HSBC London, there is a HSBC MALAYSIA too. Ok, you don't earn in pounds. So what? If you prove yourself decent they will surely post you on a deserving branch. London will retrench you any minute due to your immigrant status. Taxes? It's dollar for dollar so just admit its the uniform dog-eat-dog in every industry. If you earn 2000 quid in London is equates to RM2000. Figure that out.

If you want to train as an accountant in a 3rd grade London company, there is an abundance of local firms in KL. Why crowd in a foreign land? It is only logical to think that if you can find jobs in your country, you really do not need to be abroad. You may lust over caucasian boys but please don't be such an anglophile.

A Tip: The best employees start rough back home because they are humble. Trust me, I know.

There is some exception if you are a true and certified specialist in a niche market, ie. the fine arts. Let's face it, there is NO PROFESSIONAL ARTS industry in Malaysia. By all means I encourage you to RUN far away. But if your ambitions only stretches up to film production work then don't fret because there is still a healthy industry in M'sia itself, albeit a racist one. You will live even if you stayed.

MALAYSIA IS NOT A WAR TORN COUNTRY. YES, WE HAVE AN ACTIVE AND SCANDALOUS POLITICAL FRONT. SO WHAT? We need some editorial excitement now and then. I bet you enjoyed reading them too.


Unless you are on Atkins, no one is really deprived of food. Then come home. You really don't need to be there.

Monday, June 30, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO:

Although I am itching, itching, itching to.... I have TRIED to refrain from bitching about anyone on this blog till, ermmm, August.

But I can't help it. Because by good old August I would have lost all that bitch inspiration. That would have defeated my fundamental principle of being honest, eh?

So here's the story. Sometime ago, at a friend's birthday party, I met a Malaysian Z-list "actress" with a fancy caucasian name and surname. (That was a pseudonym. I later found out that her real name was plain 'Farah,' an equivalent to 'Jane' by western standards)

This scrawny fool tripped over and introduced herself, 'Oh HELLO, I don't know your name but my name is ABC.'

And so I had a rather intelligent conversation with her: (my innermost thoughts are in brackets.)

ABC: Ohhhh, Hello I am an actress.
(she didn't look like one. To be honest)

Me: Oh me too! I WAS an actress. (note the past tense)

ABC: Yeahhh I am can't wait to go to RADA* this October for my MASTERS in Acting!!!
(* RADA is a performing arts institute in Reading, UK- not exactly the best but decent enough for aspiring actresses who can afford the fees.)

Me: Congrats! Good on ya!
(thinks: OMG, so many dumb people are admitted into Masters these days. Unbelievable. Another point to note is that talented actresses don't ACTUALLY do a Masters. They try to get professional jobs..)

ABC: Yeahhh so I guess you studied in UK before eh?? Whats Reading like?? the nightlife??

Me: Reading is very COOL. I know people who get pissed on fancy bars every night there.
(thinks: hahahahahahahaha )

ABC: OMG GOD... REAAAAAAALLLLYYYY???? I am sooooo gonna get my own flat and BRING BOYS HOME!!!

Me: Hell, yeah!!!
(thinks: such a dumbass. *rolls eyes*)

ABC: You know... the thing about my looks is that I only appeal to Americans and Europeans!!! I mean, I can't get good jobs in Malaysia but I know I will succeed abroad!! I once did a program for a Dutch producer*... blah, blah, blah...
(* I later found out that this "Dutch" producer is commissioned by our very own RTM to source cheap local talents for shoestring projects. Not exactly an achievement to brag about.)

Me: Yeah I guess every territorial market has their own set of appeal...
(thinks: but I know you will never fit into any because your nostrils are too big.)

ABC: Sooo you know any agents in London???

Me: Of course I do. What type? Do you have a showreel? And a black n white headshot without make up?
(thinks: any working "actress" should know these bloody kindergarten prerequisites. DOH.)

ABC looks at me blankly.

And I never gave her my agents' contacts.

You can check out ABC's one and only "head shot" HERE. She is the one with the flashy caucasian fake name and a standard overdone metallic make up. Believe me, just like most M'sian talents, she looks nothing like that in flesh.

One piece of advice: You can get away with that sort of extreme makeover in Malaysia, but international talent agencies will blatantly ask you to scrape all that foundation off.

But by then she would be too hideous to score any big jobs. Ooops.


Another reason why I am in such a great mood to bitch is that:


You would recognize this towel flag on my gate from two World Cups ago. Yes, I waited THAT long.

And we got what we want because we bloody hell FOUGHT for it....

BRING ON 25!!!!!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Causes that Matter

Crooning on my STEREO:

I am feeling a little panicky because I have a little less than 1.5 months left till work hits me on the head and I have to stress about paperwork, packing and literally pissing. The past 4 sabbatical months (I know, I KEEP taking sabbaticals..) has nailed some sense into the real world. My renewed interest in the cosmos taught me simple LOGIC.

What is interesting is that there is only a small handful of educated people who possess such, and the ones who apply logic everyday are those who never made it to college. This is so awesome.

So let me drill some LOGIC into you: Instead of paying extortionately high prices for theatre tickets (price includes a bonus telling-off from Joe Hasham if, on a rare occasion, you forget to switch off your mobile!!) I urge you to support something else arty which is way less patty, snobbish and high ended.

KELAB SENI FILEM is a club for film lovers, it screens mostly non-commercial titles that you will not normally see at your local cinema. A few months back I met the club's chairperson, Tuck Cheong, an amazing film buff who is humble, approachable and truly knowledgeable. The same goes to the club's committee who are a bunch of very nice people. They have no qualms; they are willing to acquaint with you and will never chase you away even if you don't have an inkling who Rosellini is.

(This is contrary to what we may encounter in the local theatre scene: There are some stage actors who claim that their aloofness is the result of their overwhelming passion for ART. I reason that as self flagellation. )

Time for some fresh air? Click on the link above!

Trust me, if you can sit through 2 hours of No Country For Old Men I can pretty much guarantee that you can sit through almost every film regardless of its genre. Niche, Foreign, Arty, you name it. Come to the theatrette at Help College every Monday!

Second drill of logic today is

Yes. I know we are all so caught up with that nonsensical GLOBAL WARMING IS UPON US- GO GREEN nonsense, but I think it is highly imperative that we should pay attention to nature that is close to us rather than to ring up bombastic plans to save the world. Leave those to the wealthy corporates.

Somewhat I am very convinced that those apocalyptic messages on climate change is a commercial farce anyway, so we might as well rescue the neighborhood dog and cat who would be extremely thankful to you.





Why? Because I can testify that every little contribution goes a LONG way. IKANO has been hosting a fundraising and adoption drive for these animal shelters since two weeks back, and the coming final week (June 20th -22nd). E-mail or call me for more info!

I have been volunteering since last week and will do so this weekend. I will be eternally grateful if you can drop by and buy a car sticker. Even better if you can bring a pup and a kitten home. You will have a true friend for life.

(Perhaps as a consequence you may even lose faith in humanity because you realize that pups do not have the ability to back stab you. I guess that negativity is plausible because we are surrounded by so many dumb people anyway, hohoho)

Hence don't waste your money on the lame canvas bags and Peter's book!

and even if you prefer to..

do they really thank YOU?

Think LOGIC.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Politics of Clubbing

Crooning on my STEREO: Lullaby by THE CURE

Clubbing was so fun in the past. When I was in London, Malaga, Perugia, or wherever. My definition of having a good time was holding a random drink in the hand, followed by downing deadly cheap shots and passing out thereafter. Dancing, of course, was so fun. Even star jumps was so cool. Vomiting along the streets was not illegal; passing motorists empathized that it was an attractively vulgar thing to do after 5 a.m. You make friends at the kebab shop.

When I returned to good ol' Kuala Lumpur back in late 2005, I was so keen to continue the simple tradition above. To celebrate my homecoming, I had a big fat birthday party at Velvet Underground - a rather costly club that limits their table reservations. My dear parents "lobbied" to get me a membership and an extensive guest list, hence this club became my weekly haunt ever since.

Obviously, I broke my legacy. It was no longer about innocent drinking till the cows came home and running into your neighborhood butcher.

Velvet is an interesting place. My weekly attendance taught me some important lessons about people. I soon created a loyal drinking circle of a few friends and had our little usual table at the "seemingly cool" lounge area. As the weeks went by, our circle expanded.

Let me categorize the type of people you should look out for next Saturday.

1) Long-Lost High School Friends
It is always interesting to reunite with old faces. Even those who never spoke to you back then. But what is more interesting is that despite leaving school in Year 2000, some of these people are still tight buddies with the old bunch they hung out with in the school corridors. Peter is still dating Jane. Jane is still cheating on Peter with John. John is still best friends with Susan. Susan is still hating Kathy. Kathy is still bitching about Susan to Lilly... etc.

2) Plastics
Normally they comprise of several groups of skinny girls who dress very well, holding on to designer clutches. (btw: it is a fashion faux pas to use expensive bags at clubs - cigarette burns are not reversible.) They tend to float around the pre-lounge area in packs of 3 or 4, and they drift from table to table making and greeting friends. They get free alcohol in return. They never say anything intelligent.

3) Hangers-On
They are usually acquaintances whom you don't really know, but yet you see them in your vicinity almost every week. You also see them helping themselves to your alco bottle. Let's just say when the bill for the Chivas comes, they disappear to the dance floor.

4) Networkers
Can be in the guise of Plastics and Hangers-on, except that they make an extreme effort to get to know you. Often starts with a question, 'What do you work as?' and if you impress them they take your number down at the end of the night. They are usually guys who drink a lot, shout into your ear and occasionally flashes a fancy mobile phone.

5) The "IDOL"
Kids with extremely wealthy and famous parents. Despite their real penniless state (their dad funds their clothes and cars) they have masses of friends and networkers worshipping the ground they walk on. However, the "Idol" is also an elusive character who perceives himself as a level above all, hence he isn't exactly the most friendly person you will come across. He will stick together with the other daddy's children of the same status to assert an aura of exclusivity. He normally leaves the club before 2 a.m. He sometimes wears a suit that can be easily confused with the floor manager's.

6) The Social Butterfly
A person with 1000 Facebook contacts, sees you at a club, pecks you left and right and asks HOW ARE YOU? Before you could answer, he/she has moved on to repeat the same sequence to your friend standing next to you. He/she seems to know EVERYBODY but you would see him/her walking to the car park alone at 3a.m.

7) The Sugar Daddy
Usually has a prime table with couches facing the dance floor. He is the odd man in his 50s surrounded by a flank of children in their 20s. Opens a Moet. Has sweaty arm pits.

8) The Lookers
They usually gather around a table next to the DJ Console that is commonly mistaken (or deluded) as a VIP section. These are a bunch of Eurasian or Caucasian men and women who are disgustingly tall and beautiful. They hardly drink. And just for your info, they are out-of-work catwalk models stranded in KL.

Interesting, huh? Let me know if you can spot them this weekend. In case you are wondering if I have any qualms writing this, well, it is okay to make enemies now since it will be Hasta La Vista!!!!!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Global Warming and the Farce

Crooning on my STEREO:
Fifth of Bethoven by NASSAU

I fell asleep while watching AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH because it was boring, highly self-indulgent and rather kid-dish. It's like watching Al Gore's world-saving tactics for dummies; if there's such a movie ever made, but thats how I perceived the entire propaganda of self pity: I didn't win your votes before hence I want to make you feel REALLY BAD about it, because I am a saint and you didn't know this back then....

That whole farce worked on the masses. I am amazed at how many people have come up to me and said that it was the SCARIEST movie ever made. I thought Candyman was scarier. In fact, eurosleaze shows like MalaBimba is hilarious yet scary because the entire twisted plot was supposedly ochestrated by The Devil. (haha)

So, Al Gore scared you into believing that the world shall end quicker, ie. if you continue to use plastic bags, that sin is going contribute to global warming in some puny way.

There is somebody who capitalized on this herd paranoia. Anya Hindmarch invented those rough canvas bags that shouted "I am not a plastic bag." They are cheap. But limited in quantity. Consequently, thousands of plastics (my definition of dumb girls who queued hours to get themselves one) fought for them, so much so that many fans also bought fake ones at cut throat prices just to fit in.

Mind you, saving the world should not be an exclusive deed. And only goodness knows if these canvas bags were manufactured via fair trade. I don't know how much of the world you can save by replacing 1000 plastic bags with 500 "limited edition" canvas bags.

Ok I was slightly wrong. There was no paranoia. It is merely a FASHION TREND. And trends go out of date. They pass on.

Then I have some well-connected young pals who recently co-edited books on bio-degeneration and going green. Of course they didn't write them entirely. But there were posh autograph sessions and press conferences, and it made me equate such occurrences to nothing but, FAME. As a pure juxtaposition, I don't recall Mother Theresa autographing her books.

At that time, there was also a sudden influx of friends within the same circle who raved, 'hey, i am going green because my friend wrote a book on the greenhouse effect.' And I asked 'what do you know about the green house effect?' And she answered, 'Well, our world is in trouble and we are heating up. Peter wrote that we can make a difference by converting waste into energy'.

And I asked, 'Ok. Do you know that Peter the "author" does not car pool and drives around in a Porsche?'

That didn't bother her nor the expanding circle of Peter's friends. In fact, co-editing those books made Peter a demi-god. He is even getting free alcohol in every club he goes.

What I am trying to say is, there are more ethical ways of expounding doomsday. An Inconvenient Truth is an odd way of threatening moviegoers to invest in a method to save the world by presenting the earth's exaggerated vulnerabilities. Hence many corporations turn such mass induced fears into a business by reinstating their "green" reputation. If you are not naive about the global economy, every "green" or "blue" business plan boils down to money and politics. Hence Peter is selling books to launch his career in his family's business empire.

On a macro scale if you didn't play truant on your science and geography classes, there is also an even greater truth that there is really nothing we can do about this decaying earth.We can only slow it down, but not significantly. Let's face it, we are eventually going to end up like the dinosaurs because we claim to know so much of our earth but nothing about the universe.

Now that I am researching on astro-physics, I can tell you a simple theory. Check out our neighbor VENUS below.

Ancient astronomers assumed that there could be life on Venus because of its component similarities to that of Earth. However, every spacecraft that has tried to enter its atmosphere literally blows up due to huge gravitational changes. Later research shows that it is indeed a big greenhouse. It's quite hot. What caused it? Was there some sort of evolution? We can only speculate.

Then we have our MARTIAN neighbor.

Tonight NASA's little robot Phoenix will enter Mars' atmosphere in search of water and other evidence of bacterial life form, thats if it lands safely. It is a giant red planet, looks a little ugly but very reminiscent of our red dessert. It's quite dead. There could have been life in the past but if there was, what caused their demise? Decomposing plastic bags? Again we don't really know.

Ditto to all of our 10000s of unanswered questions pertaining to the other planets in our solar system. What killed the other planetary life forms, if we were not alone in this vast universe? And on our own grounds, what killed off the dinosaurs? Surely they didn't have factories back then.

Because we do not know. Hence, why are we so consumed by Al Gore's Oscar, canvas bags, Peter's book, switching off all lights in the house for a day because a Facebook group tells you to? So much so that we don't have a global clarity of understanding why we do such things. We do such because the mass media tells us to, but we will soon get bored and forget to switch off the plug.

If only we realize how beautiful our Earth as compared to the other fuzzy planets of outer space, we would be genuinely inspired to do things in respect of Mother Nature. It is simply because Man can never stop a sudden asteroid nor cyclone from devouring us one day. It is a fact that too much irreversible damage has been done to Earth. This is general science:

Every living thing has its life span.

And we do not need consumerism to tell us that. In all honesty, many corporate "green" campaigners impart a sense of deluded hope by presenting a world crisis as a bankable trend. Every hype has its anti climax.

So guys, collectively switching off all the lights in your house for one day just because MTV tells you to do so, isn't really going to make a big difference. You are behaving like an ignorant cult member.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Down Under

Crooning on my STEREO:
Satisfaction by BENNY BENASSI ft. THE BIZ

Oh man, the manic packing mode is switched on and tonight I am off to the great land of kangaroos and platypuses...


I haven't been there in the last 5 years. Are the clubs BETTER now??

well done, UGG.

I will be right back to do more of that navel gazing. And welcome back, Raja Petra!!!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

ANTM & The AttacK Of The ExeS.

Crooning on my STEREO:
Flaunt It by TV Rock Feat. Seany B.

Facebook is a pretty dangerous platform; simply because within the click of button you are able to enable your past to seemingly embrace, or, enrapture you. Well, its pretty cool for some people. I thought it was quite exciting to allow some terrible men of my past to drool over how smoking hot I have become and slap themselves with regret.

But of course, there is also such a thing called backfire.

Damn that word. Some of the recent additions to my friends list are men I had been involved with after the turn of the millenium. Before this I was the eeky angel who never had a guy. (I can't disclose the number because itd just make you cry.) So you can imagine.

Well obviously it didn't work out with any of them in the past. I was always the optimistic one, happy-go-lucky, naive and ready to fall in LOVE. I had no idea the definition of a fuck buddy. A beautiful friend? What the hell was a casual date? I thought if you kissed someone when you were sober, he had to be in love with you.

Then I endured the ugly truth. There were men who came, conquered and left. And I was left crying and bleeding in the bathroom, clinging on to my mobile hoping that somebody would call to say he loved me.

Rather predictably, those knight-in-armour calls never came. There was the occasional SMS that said, "hey would you like to grab 'lunch'"? You'd be proud to know that I never replied to those.

Back to the present. What I can derive from a few photos is that now they all have steady girlfriends. (incredibly hot girls, dammit) I am already deriving morning sickness from happy couple photos in the sun, wall posts addressing each other as 'baby', 'honey,' 'cupcakes' and most the most sickening of all, 'I love you.'

I am bitter because I never had those. And I can't help but to be affected by them. In the bout of dissecting what went wrong, I would have blamed it primarily on my looks. If I was more beautiful, many things would have worked out. If I looked fit, they wouldnt have left because they would have been proud to be seen with me. And stayed.

It is a shallow conclusion, but that is also the easiest conception in compliance with a shallow world. I hate to feel sorry for myself but yet I am pretty much incapable of blaming others for their happiness.

Best thing is to move on. Or delete the dreadful bunch from Facebook. Today I am in love with an amazing man whom I would love to spend the rest of my life with. Unlike the terrible junk I wasted my tears on, my sayang is so perfect.

However, I cannot help but to feel that he is alright with losing me the very next day. Just like the rest, he will move on with a more beautiful girl. He will be ok. But as for me I will cry myself to death, if I am even slightly lucky.

I know, its all about feeling sorry. But then again you must experience the scary depths of rejection to empathise with this.

Ok, I will stop the depressing crap for now. For those who follow ANTM's latest cycle on YouTube, ohhh myyy goodnesss this is so so so hilarious:

Basically these American contestants were based in Rome, and had to shoot a Covergirl TV Commercial in ITALIAN. Why I find it so horribly amusing is pretty much self explanatory..


I almost fell off the chair

Saturday, April 19, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO: Lollipop by MIKA

Due to security concerns, the original post has been modified into a more self-indulgent version as per below.

In case you even BOTHER, I just got back from the U.S.A and brought a luggage full of nice things home with me. I am so in love. In case you even BOTHER, this is one of my obssessive purchases from the greatest blessing that is Victoria's Secret:

I am talking about the cheeky dress, not the chick. DOH. Again, in case you even BOTHER, I didn't buy the fluffy fan to complete the look. It is very likely that only my sayang will see me drunk & doning this frock with a beer in one hand.... if the size still fits by then.

It was tremendously good to be in Sin City: living in the best suites, best mansions with Bon Jovi as a gentle neighbour and sublime shopping... but my gambling luck is a little lopsided. Even my camera luck was lame, you would've read that I've met so and so celebs but I NEVER had my camera with me. Whoever who jinxed me in this aspect should poop themselves to oblivion.

My ultimate favourite is The Mansion @ MGM Grand, where the most gorgeous, posh & elite sunbathers congregated by the VIP pool every morning. Although I was the heaviest and worst looking of the lot, I still managed to strike up meaningful conversations with them and learnt that I was lucky enough to be there with my family, and not with an old and dying gigolo to gain this luxury.

Then there was San Francisco, where the shopping beats the world and I am missing a lovely aunt. Last but not least there was Hollywood; the mecca for all struggling and starving actors. A few people from my Method class thrived there, and some went home. Lazy arses like me perpectually holiday there.

Again, the green card seems like a pretty good idea in my quest for the Holy Grail.

Monday, April 07, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO: Sex Bomb by TOM JONES

A quick one to piss about how strange it is to blog on a massive plasma telly in an enormous suite alone with a few rose bubblies overlooking the whole of Vegas courtesy of a massive panorama window facing Mr Trump's unopened hotel. I just saw the Beckhams (including the kids) with Elton snd witnessed Tom Jones' newly acquired tan. Everything is so odd and you cannot imagine how much stuff I am buying. I am so totally shallow and I think I just walked past Pamela Anderson? She had those big burly guaards around her. Then there's the PCD casino and lounge. OMG.

Cameras are prohibited. But it's what I see that truly matters!!

This is why I have always loved coming back to Vegas. This place is so sick.

OHhhh.. Thank Heaven's for VICTORIAS SECRET!!! Muax muax muaxx

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Trans-atlantic Fishes

Crooning on my STEREO:

Due to popular demand, I've decided to post up a picture of a hundred fishes mauling my feet (and a glimpse of my fat thighs) at the much hyped KENKO FISH SPA.

It's totally SICK. The biggest challenge is at the very beginning when you sink your feet into the murky water. Once your feet touches the water surface: schools and schools and schools of grey fishes riot towards you (theory: the more filthy you are, the more you attract). The point of this exercise is that these multitudes of guppies will manicly FEED on your feet's dead skin. (although they seem to have an insatiable fetish for your heels). Oh... I can't describe the rest. It's just, just, just EEWWWWWWW

It's the most odd-ass 30 minutes of spa treatment I've ever had.

In every effort to get through the half hour ordeal without laughing like a deranged hyena, I shouted the following:

Try it. It brought out the forgotten chav in me.
It is also pretty obvious that fishes that feed on filth are, obviously, filthy creatures.

Tip: It's best not to look down on who's nibbling at your feet. Especially when you see a huge-mama fish (and her 50 juniors) approaching your big toe.

Anyway, I am flying out tommorrow morning. It's 3rd time back to LA, San Francisco and my hedonistic favourite:

I should just live there.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Women of Substance

Crooning on my STEREO:
Medio Dia by CAFE TACUBA

Spa on a Monday was NICE. I underestimated the lack of blue skies here and totally burnt myself under the sun. Thats ok. I am so great. I recently bought bottles of rapid tanning sun block from Rome and never had the chance to use them.

This idyllic life gave me more time to read. So I bought a couple of magazines; a mixture of some local and my usual brit mags. So I was reading FEMALE yesterday. And came across several locally penned articles that was quite atrociously written.

I think I know these writers. And I think they are quite young. As a special mention, there was a 2 or 3 pager (yes the write-up was THAT long) which dwelled on the subject of how working long hours will eventually kill you. Since it applies so adequately to my pre-resignation lifestyle, I read it with full interest.

But really, after straining my eyes in the sun, I realised that I was reading a mediocre "O" Level essay adhering to the deadpan academic format:- state a point. example. paraphrase a point. example. plagiarise a point. example. make a few smart alec remarks. example. summarise entire article in case the reader has forgotten your point. full stop.

so where the heck is the your conclusion?

Yay, this article gets published! yay! yay! Let me tell my friends on Facebook!

A couple of days ago, (or was it yesterday?) there was a film article in The Star Newspaper in conjunction with the ongoing Iranian Film Festival. (Malaysia loves Iran. We have an Iranian film festival every two months because screening 100 Iranian films {as everybody seems to have cried while watching "Children of Heaven"} that personifies rural life and poverty is oh, sooo, sublime )

Back to the newsie. A girl attempted an article explaining how films have evolved to glorify the deprived female character as significant plot protagonists. (in my simpler words= she wanted to define GIRL POWER)

So she drones on this essay, with a familliar paper format she probably learnt back in college:

Start with lame personal viewpoint like, 'As a female cinemagoer, I think...
Support with an introductory example/case study to support your lame viewpoint.
Paraphase something such as a brief history of how women are ill treated like mongrels in cinema.

Plagiarise an obvious point.
Example of Film #1 (remember to write a one-liner at the end of each paragraph to remind dumb or bored readers the point of this essay)
Plagiarise a second obvious point.
Example of Film #2 (ditto. above)
Plagiarise a few obvious and dumb points.
Example of Film #3 - Example #50 (all ditto. above)
Make a short, cliched and serious sentence - "Cinema has evolved soooo much since prehistoric times."

Make a lame personal conclusion: "I want girl power to be interpreted more effectively in cinema, less repression, beautiful life, blah blah." (Use big words to convey seriousness and thoughfulness so that the masses will admire your academic writing on a Monday evening. )

My favourite bit was her sympathetic reference to Fatih Akin's "Head On" (if you remember, this film is where I derived the quote "you dont have to kill yourself to end your life".. genius. ) As TV rights are only made available for Europe late last year, it amazes me where else she has watched this film apart from purchasing an illegal copy from the pirates?

Call the polizia.

Malaysian Mass Media is boring the nuts out of me.

Sunday, March 23, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO:
Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) by MIKA

Time and time again, remind me this
I pretty darn well know that it is DISGUSTING. But yet I still down some. And kill myself. I never learn.

Nice to be home and not worry about the laundry. But I miss my sayang and I can't wait till summer. You know, life is so good. I am so proud that I didn't sob on the plane. A way to resolving this is to consume excessive amounts of terrible champagne on board. So much that the cabin staff thought that I loved it and now I am stuck with an additional bottle to feed my fellow alcohol leaches.

It's been 6 days since we parted and I swear that I haven't shed a single tear. I am so strong. I am so brave. I am so strong. etc etc etc. As they say, "Non c'e istinto pari a quello del cuore". For now, life goes on and we will be closer very soon :)

Back to reality. Now I live life like my dear friend Edie (below) minus the drugs. So carefree, giggling more than ever and doing the bits and bobs of youth. Till May..... No work = FUN.

Monday stress? work traffic?? blehhh..... I am going out of town for a Spa day tommorrow... whooop whooooop!!

I have something to else to totally brag about:



I stole the groundbreaking recipe from sayang who only makes the best. I am just a humble apprentice. Shhhh...