Wednesday, January 26, 2005

SEX Education

Crooning on my STEREO: Chan Chan by BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB

I don't care if you are underaged or overaged, as long as you don't try this at home or, rather... on your motorbike.

My friend sent me both this image and its text for a worthwhile comic relief.

Here's the
descriptive text which follows (in white) and my commentary in (violet)

"This stationary position utilizes almost the entire length of the motorcycle. (okay...let's assume it as a fucking UNCOMFORTABLE 'bed') The easiest way to get into this position is for the woman to seat herself on the bike and lean forward so she is grasping the handlebars. (SO.... is the motorbike in motion?? Doesn't that induce a frigging sprain on her spinal cord?? Damn..LUST is DANGEROUS stuff....) If the bike is too long, or she's too short, she can wrap her arms around the gas tank.(WHAT??? DID YOU SAY GAS TANK???) The man, standing behind the bike, reaches on either side, picks up her legs, and extends them backward over the end of the motorcycle. (PHWOAR! You need to be a bloody agile acrobat to do this. Even a novice could break either one of her limbs)As he supports her back end by holding her legs up wheelbarrow style, he fucks her from behind.(Okayyyy.... so the guy happily screws her from behind, and poor girl hangs on to the rickety bike for dear life. What PASSIONATE lovemaking.)

This position can be a big turn on for both male and female motorcycle enthusiasts.(Sure, ask Valentino Rossi for more details.) The woman will get off from having almost full body contact with the bike and having her face pressed into the seat leather, while the guy will almost feel like he is fucking the bike itself."(End result: Girl is more likely to suffocate to death, courtesy of the 'seat leather.' Guy is better off fucking the bike's exhaust pipe as to avoid messy casualities........ hold on, do guys really do get aroused by automative vehicles?? )

What the hell... this is disturbing shit.

For more ridiculous sex positions, consult films by Tinto Brass

Saturday, January 22, 2005

St Paul's

Crooning on my STEREO: Don't Cry by GUNS N ROSES

Originally uploaded by slamducky.
St Paul's Cathedral on a sunny day.......

Lyn: *Knock Knock*
Priest: Who's there?
Lyn: Lyn
Priest: Lyn who?
Lyn: God knows.
Priest: My child.. thou shalt not blaspher.......
Lyn: Ask God... really, He knows me!
Priest: Hold On....

10 minutes later. Lyn is left out standing in the cold taking photos with her phone camera.

Priest: Oi, come here.
Lyn: Yes?
Priest: We are closed today.
Lyn: Whaaaaaatttt??????
Priest: Come back tommorrow.
Lyn: I thought that the House of God is open everyday??
Priest: This is St. Paul's, not house of God..
Lyn: So this is St. Paul's house?
Priest: No, he doesn't live here.
Lyn: Then? Just let me in I need to talk to God.
Priest: Sorry but we are closed today.....
Lyn: So can I speak to St Paul then? Maybe he can pass my message...
Priest: But sorry we are closed!!!

Security Guard: Whats the matter?
Lyn: Oh crap.... Ciao Ciao!!!!

(scurries off and later finds herself in some random St Bartholomew's cathedral..)

Monday, January 17, 2005


Crooning on my STEREO: Oye El Boom by DAVID BISBAL

In no particular order...


Chucking bamboo sticks, sprinkling peanuts and throwing knives. First-class Art-House TRASH & disgrace to the Chinese Community. Everybody knows what I think of this film. READ HERE

What was the world thinking??Why bother paying 5quid to watch boob-less Keira Knightley smudged in slime grunting like a barbarian? (someone pleeeeeeasse EXPEL her for PLAGIARISING Legolas' archery skills...absolutely no,no,no,no originality.)
And WHO on EARTH are those HIDEOUS-looking male leads????

If you are charmed by ALFIE aka Jude Law... you are SICK.
If you aspire to be ALFIE..... apocalypse NOW.

Who can forget that pretentious use of cheap, green, mossy film stock, B-grade CGI forcefed with an unnecessary half-hearted Angelina Jolie 5-line cameo.....
And Jude Law. AGAIN.

Yes, Giselle is HOT. That's about it.

Infamous Toy Boy Ashton Kutcher striving hard to be DEEP.
If he thinks a butterfly can cause calamity, his acting causes a migraine.
Little word of advice to Ashton: Stick to your MTV-esque PuNKeD.... stupidity has never made more sense and money.

I can't stand this moneyspinning Western obssession over Jap-Korean horror remakes.
Exotic? No.
Scary? No.
Asian Long Haired ghosts? Immuned. We've seen too many of them on screen.
Think: Ring 1, Ring 2, Ring 0, The Phone, The Mirror, The Sisters, The Tree, The Ceiling, The Plate, The Fork etc...

Why bother watching a bloody annoying orange creature bouncing around causing a shitload of mess?
Just slaughter it and have cat steak for dinner.

I am sorry... I am not into gore and butchery. A pity to see a remarkable Christian story told in a commercially vile manner. Why.. with all those gallons of spaghetti sauce... is it meant to scare us, the sinful ones, into oblivion?
By the way, Dr. Evil from Austin Powers DID make several cameo appearances. Did you spot him?

10) Some Malaysian horror film
I hardly recall the title, but I wont bother. This film segment is made up of 4 useless short films by 4 useless amateur directors, including one Fassbinder wannabe. In fact, I hope they read this: Bad casts, nauseating cinematography, shit narratives and total try-hards.
Scare factor: -100

Monday, January 10, 2005

Michael Schumacher

Crooning on my STEREO: Deseos De Cosas Imposibles by LA OREJA DE VAN GOGH

Tonight, Matthew, I am going to pick on......

Bet you have seen this prick. Bloody giant red ant. People say that he is a role model. Of course, you are a saint when you advertise cigarrettes to juveniles.

Sleazy, slimey, cheshire cat grin. He wouldn't even take his hands off a married man. Thus the quote: 'Winner Takes All'

The perfect couple. An asianphillic toad and a whinging horse working hand in hand to deceive and defeat.

Reality check: Identity crisis. No friends. No fans. Only a grid board. Time to reflect.
Oh, wow, he's got feelings.

Drunkard in crisis. Would you ever respect a man who's sick on the podium and hogs the champagne all to himself? (even at times when he's actually NOT the victor.)

Unfortunately the Tifosi(s) do. They love this man unconditionally, even after kingdom comes.

Even when he starts tearing down trees and wildlife to build his fleet of giant mansions. They will still love him.

No wonder they say that love is blind.

Saturday, January 08, 2005


Crooning on my STEREO: Monday Mi Amor by SOLUNA

I start 2005 typing this with an impaired vision. NO, I havent been staring at Cesc Fabregas.
In actual fact, I have been torturing my perfect vision with a pair of blue contacts, this morning I spent two hours stuffing alien objects onto my cornea. Shit, I see cloudy apparitions.

After pigging away for two weeks, here's a little update on the my festive end... I was home in Malaysia for two weeks, I did peanuts for my research paper and piled on 5kg. I sang 'Guantanamera' at a birthday party and everyone threw bananas at me. I have also been watching 'Reyes-less' Arsenal matches.

Of course there is also the need to mention the Tsunami. Eversince it took place, clouds have been flooding over Malaysia.
No SUN. What a rip off.
No different from British Winter minus the cold.
God knows why... I am not an expert in geographical climate and I don't know how ocean landshifts affect percipitation. Whatever it is, I came back to London without a tan.

The first question every concerned European asked me was, 'Are you alright? Did the tsunami hit you?'

I thought of lashing a sarcastic answer. But to be honest, I am not sure if the tsunami really did hit me. Thats because I COULD have been a victim. I initially planned to spend Christmas in Phuket, until the arrogant travel agents snarled, 'Sorry, we are OVERBOOKED until January. Get Lost.'

And got lost I did. But my infamous perseverance didn't end there. I eyed another vacation island, Penang.
Again, I was chased away.

Being chased away was a bizarre blessing. Later, the Tsunami struck both these islands.
The Lesson: My obsession with self-roasting almost cost me my life. Imagine me, a fat slob, lying on the beach... roasting, asleep and oblivious. Out of the blue, a massive 10ft wave, would flush me into the Indian Ocean. At that very moment, there is absolutely no way of negotiating with fate.

I seriously think that if my holiday plans went ahead, it would have been the end of me.
Today, I can only sigh in relief.

My heart goes out to the tsunami victims.