Monday, June 30, 2008


Crooning on my STEREO:

Although I am itching, itching, itching to.... I have TRIED to refrain from bitching about anyone on this blog till, ermmm, August.

But I can't help it. Because by good old August I would have lost all that bitch inspiration. That would have defeated my fundamental principle of being honest, eh?

So here's the story. Sometime ago, at a friend's birthday party, I met a Malaysian Z-list "actress" with a fancy caucasian name and surname. (That was a pseudonym. I later found out that her real name was plain 'Farah,' an equivalent to 'Jane' by western standards)

This scrawny fool tripped over and introduced herself, 'Oh HELLO, I don't know your name but my name is ABC.'

And so I had a rather intelligent conversation with her: (my innermost thoughts are in brackets.)

ABC: Ohhhh, Hello I am an actress.
(she didn't look like one. To be honest)

Me: Oh me too! I WAS an actress. (note the past tense)

ABC: Yeahhh I am can't wait to go to RADA* this October for my MASTERS in Acting!!!
(* RADA is a performing arts institute in Reading, UK- not exactly the best but decent enough for aspiring actresses who can afford the fees.)

Me: Congrats! Good on ya!
(thinks: OMG, so many dumb people are admitted into Masters these days. Unbelievable. Another point to note is that talented actresses don't ACTUALLY do a Masters. They try to get professional jobs..)

ABC: Yeahhh so I guess you studied in UK before eh?? Whats Reading like?? the nightlife??

Me: Reading is very COOL. I know people who get pissed on fancy bars every night there.
(thinks: hahahahahahahaha )

ABC: OMG GOD... REAAAAAAALLLLYYYY???? I am sooooo gonna get my own flat and BRING BOYS HOME!!!

Me: Hell, yeah!!!
(thinks: such a dumbass. *rolls eyes*)

ABC: You know... the thing about my looks is that I only appeal to Americans and Europeans!!! I mean, I can't get good jobs in Malaysia but I know I will succeed abroad!! I once did a program for a Dutch producer*... blah, blah, blah...
(* I later found out that this "Dutch" producer is commissioned by our very own RTM to source cheap local talents for shoestring projects. Not exactly an achievement to brag about.)

Me: Yeah I guess every territorial market has their own set of appeal...
(thinks: but I know you will never fit into any because your nostrils are too big.)

ABC: Sooo you know any agents in London???

Me: Of course I do. What type? Do you have a showreel? And a black n white headshot without make up?
(thinks: any working "actress" should know these bloody kindergarten prerequisites. DOH.)

ABC looks at me blankly.

And I never gave her my agents' contacts.

You can check out ABC's one and only "head shot" HERE. She is the one with the flashy caucasian fake name and a standard overdone metallic make up. Believe me, just like most M'sian talents, she looks nothing like that in flesh.

One piece of advice: You can get away with that sort of extreme makeover in Malaysia, but international talent agencies will blatantly ask you to scrape all that foundation off.

But by then she would be too hideous to score any big jobs. Ooops.


Another reason why I am in such a great mood to bitch is that:


You would recognize this towel flag on my gate from two World Cups ago. Yes, I waited THAT long.

And we got what we want because we bloody hell FOUGHT for it....

BRING ON 25!!!!!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Causes that Matter

Crooning on my STEREO:

I am feeling a little panicky because I have a little less than 1.5 months left till work hits me on the head and I have to stress about paperwork, packing and literally pissing. The past 4 sabbatical months (I know, I KEEP taking sabbaticals..) has nailed some sense into the real world. My renewed interest in the cosmos taught me simple LOGIC.

What is interesting is that there is only a small handful of educated people who possess such, and the ones who apply logic everyday are those who never made it to college. This is so awesome.

So let me drill some LOGIC into you: Instead of paying extortionately high prices for theatre tickets (price includes a bonus telling-off from Joe Hasham if, on a rare occasion, you forget to switch off your mobile!!) I urge you to support something else arty which is way less patty, snobbish and high ended.

KELAB SENI FILEM is a club for film lovers, it screens mostly non-commercial titles that you will not normally see at your local cinema. A few months back I met the club's chairperson, Tuck Cheong, an amazing film buff who is humble, approachable and truly knowledgeable. The same goes to the club's committee who are a bunch of very nice people. They have no qualms; they are willing to acquaint with you and will never chase you away even if you don't have an inkling who Rosellini is.

(This is contrary to what we may encounter in the local theatre scene: There are some stage actors who claim that their aloofness is the result of their overwhelming passion for ART. I reason that as self flagellation. )

Time for some fresh air? Click on the link above!

Trust me, if you can sit through 2 hours of No Country For Old Men I can pretty much guarantee that you can sit through almost every film regardless of its genre. Niche, Foreign, Arty, you name it. Come to the theatrette at Help College every Monday!

Second drill of logic today is

Yes. I know we are all so caught up with that nonsensical GLOBAL WARMING IS UPON US- GO GREEN nonsense, but I think it is highly imperative that we should pay attention to nature that is close to us rather than to ring up bombastic plans to save the world. Leave those to the wealthy corporates.

Somewhat I am very convinced that those apocalyptic messages on climate change is a commercial farce anyway, so we might as well rescue the neighborhood dog and cat who would be extremely thankful to you.





Why? Because I can testify that every little contribution goes a LONG way. IKANO has been hosting a fundraising and adoption drive for these animal shelters since two weeks back, and the coming final week (June 20th -22nd). E-mail or call me for more info!

I have been volunteering since last week and will do so this weekend. I will be eternally grateful if you can drop by and buy a car sticker. Even better if you can bring a pup and a kitten home. You will have a true friend for life.

(Perhaps as a consequence you may even lose faith in humanity because you realize that pups do not have the ability to back stab you. I guess that negativity is plausible because we are surrounded by so many dumb people anyway, hohoho)

Hence don't waste your money on the lame canvas bags and Peter's book!

and even if you prefer to..

do they really thank YOU?

Think LOGIC.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Politics of Clubbing

Crooning on my STEREO: Lullaby by THE CURE

Clubbing was so fun in the past. When I was in London, Malaga, Perugia, or wherever. My definition of having a good time was holding a random drink in the hand, followed by downing deadly cheap shots and passing out thereafter. Dancing, of course, was so fun. Even star jumps was so cool. Vomiting along the streets was not illegal; passing motorists empathized that it was an attractively vulgar thing to do after 5 a.m. You make friends at the kebab shop.

When I returned to good ol' Kuala Lumpur back in late 2005, I was so keen to continue the simple tradition above. To celebrate my homecoming, I had a big fat birthday party at Velvet Underground - a rather costly club that limits their table reservations. My dear parents "lobbied" to get me a membership and an extensive guest list, hence this club became my weekly haunt ever since.

Obviously, I broke my legacy. It was no longer about innocent drinking till the cows came home and running into your neighborhood butcher.

Velvet is an interesting place. My weekly attendance taught me some important lessons about people. I soon created a loyal drinking circle of a few friends and had our little usual table at the "seemingly cool" lounge area. As the weeks went by, our circle expanded.

Let me categorize the type of people you should look out for next Saturday.

1) Long-Lost High School Friends
It is always interesting to reunite with old faces. Even those who never spoke to you back then. But what is more interesting is that despite leaving school in Year 2000, some of these people are still tight buddies with the old bunch they hung out with in the school corridors. Peter is still dating Jane. Jane is still cheating on Peter with John. John is still best friends with Susan. Susan is still hating Kathy. Kathy is still bitching about Susan to Lilly... etc.

2) Plastics
Normally they comprise of several groups of skinny girls who dress very well, holding on to designer clutches. (btw: it is a fashion faux pas to use expensive bags at clubs - cigarette burns are not reversible.) They tend to float around the pre-lounge area in packs of 3 or 4, and they drift from table to table making and greeting friends. They get free alcohol in return. They never say anything intelligent.

3) Hangers-On
They are usually acquaintances whom you don't really know, but yet you see them in your vicinity almost every week. You also see them helping themselves to your alco bottle. Let's just say when the bill for the Chivas comes, they disappear to the dance floor.

4) Networkers
Can be in the guise of Plastics and Hangers-on, except that they make an extreme effort to get to know you. Often starts with a question, 'What do you work as?' and if you impress them they take your number down at the end of the night. They are usually guys who drink a lot, shout into your ear and occasionally flashes a fancy mobile phone.

5) The "IDOL"
Kids with extremely wealthy and famous parents. Despite their real penniless state (their dad funds their clothes and cars) they have masses of friends and networkers worshipping the ground they walk on. However, the "Idol" is also an elusive character who perceives himself as a level above all, hence he isn't exactly the most friendly person you will come across. He will stick together with the other daddy's children of the same status to assert an aura of exclusivity. He normally leaves the club before 2 a.m. He sometimes wears a suit that can be easily confused with the floor manager's.

6) The Social Butterfly
A person with 1000 Facebook contacts, sees you at a club, pecks you left and right and asks HOW ARE YOU? Before you could answer, he/she has moved on to repeat the same sequence to your friend standing next to you. He/she seems to know EVERYBODY but you would see him/her walking to the car park alone at 3a.m.

7) The Sugar Daddy
Usually has a prime table with couches facing the dance floor. He is the odd man in his 50s surrounded by a flank of children in their 20s. Opens a Moet. Has sweaty arm pits.

8) The Lookers
They usually gather around a table next to the DJ Console that is commonly mistaken (or deluded) as a VIP section. These are a bunch of Eurasian or Caucasian men and women who are disgustingly tall and beautiful. They hardly drink. And just for your info, they are out-of-work catwalk models stranded in KL.

Interesting, huh? Let me know if you can spot them this weekend. In case you are wondering if I have any qualms writing this, well, it is okay to make enemies now since it will be Hasta La Vista!!!!!