Down Under

Crooning on my STEREO: Satisfaction by BENNY BENASSI ft. THE BIZ

Oh man, the manic packing mode is switched on and tonight I am off to the great land of kangaroos and platypuses...

AUSTRALIA!!



I haven't been there in the last 5 years. Are the clubs BETTER now??



well done, UGG.


I will be right back to do more of that navel gazing. And welcome back, Raja Petra!!!

PATATA!!!!!

Crooning on my STEREO: Lollipop by MIKA

Due to security concerns, the original post has been modified into a more self-indulgent version as per below.

In case you even BOTHER, I just got back from the U.S.A and brought a luggage full of nice things home with me. I am so in love. In case you even BOTHER, this is one of my obssessive purchases from the greatest blessing that is Victoria's Secret:



I am talking about the cheeky dress, not the chick. DOH. Again, in case you even BOTHER, I didn't buy the fluffy fan to complete the look. It is very likely that only my sayang will see me drunk & doning this frock with a beer in one hand.... if the size still fits by then.

It was tremendously good to be in Sin City: living in the best suites, best mansions with Bon Jovi as a gentle neighbour and sublime shopping... but my gambling luck is a little lopsided. Even my camera luck was lame, you would've read that I've met so and so celebs but I NEVER had my camera with me. Whoever who jinxed me in this aspect should poop themselves to oblivion.

My ultimate favourite is The Mansion @ MGM Grand, where the most gorgeous, posh & elite sunbathers congregated by the VIP pool every morning. Although I was the heaviest and worst looking of the lot, I still managed to strike up meaningful conversations with them and learnt that I was lucky enough to be there with my family, and not with an old and dying gigolo to gain this luxury.



Then there was San Francisco, where the shopping beats the world and I am missing a lovely aunt. Last but not least there was Hollywood; the mecca for all struggling and starving actors. A few people from my Method class thrived there, and some went home. Lazy arses like me perpectually holiday there.



Again, the green card seems like a pretty good idea in my quest for the Holy Grail.

VIVA VEGAS!!!

Crooning on my STEREO: Sex Bomb by TOM JONES

A quick one to piss about how strange it is to blog on a massive plasma telly in an enormous suite alone with a few rose bubblies overlooking the whole of Vegas courtesy of a massive panorama window facing Mr Trump's unopened hotel. I just saw the Beckhams (including the kids) with Elton snd witnessed Tom Jones' newly acquired tan. Everything is so odd and you cannot imagine how much stuff I am buying. I am so totally shallow and I think I just walked past Pamela Anderson? She had those big burly guaards around her. Then there's the PCD casino and lounge. OMG.

Cameras are prohibited. But it's what I see that truly matters!!

This is why I have always loved coming back to Vegas. This place is so sick.

OHhhh.. Thank Heaven's for VICTORIAS SECRET!!! Muax muax muaxx

Trans-atlantic Fishes

Crooning on my STEREO: Angelica by LE VIBRAZIONE

Due to popular demand, I've decided to post up a picture of a hundred fishes mauling my feet (and a glimpse of my fat thighs) at the much hyped KENKO FISH SPA.

HOW DID IT FEEL? PINS N' NEEDLES WITH A SLIMY TWIST
It's totally SICK. The biggest challenge is at the very beginning when you sink your feet into the murky water. Once your feet touches the water surface: schools and schools and schools of grey fishes riot towards you (theory: the more filthy you are, the more you attract). The point of this exercise is that these multitudes of guppies will manicly FEED on your feet's dead skin. (although they seem to have an insatiable fetish for your heels). Oh... I can't describe the rest. It's just, just, just EEWWWWWWW

It's the most odd-ass 30 minutes of spa treatment I've ever had.

In every effort to get through the half hour ordeal without laughing like a deranged hyena, I shouted the following:
LICK MY FILTHY FEETTTT!!! EXFOLIATEEEEEEE MEEEEE!!!!!! SUCK MY HEEEEL!!!! I AM GONNA HAVE GORGEOUS FEET AFTER YOU SUCKERSSSSS !!!!! EXFOLIATEEEEE!!!!

Try it. It brought out the forgotten chav in me.
It is also pretty obvious that fishes that feed on filth are, obviously, filthy creatures.

Tip: It's best not to look down on who's nibbling at your feet. Especially when you see a huge-mama fish (and her 50 juniors) approaching your big toe.

Anyway, I am flying out tommorrow morning. It's 3rd time back to LA, San Francisco and my hedonistic favourite:
LAS VEGAS ONCE AGAIN, BABY!!!!!


I should just live there.

Moving On

Crooning on my STEREO: Crazy All The Time by 33HZ

Dear concerned friends and curious enemies,

LET'S TOAST TO THE 200th POST ON THIS BLOG!!!!

Only God knows how I have kept this crapology alive for so long.

It's like feeding a carrot to an elephant.

In conjunction with this celebration of stupid sorts, I am in the midst of contemplating some earth-shattering decisions. Please include me in your respective prayers and kindly alert your local bomoh as I will be in need of some blessings.


Fret not. The drinking will continue. The madness will continue.

And I will be packing my bags once again.




Yours, with courage.
Senorita Lyn xxxxx







"Se l'amore, nomade benedetto, e tuo ospite, tienilo caro."

SUMMER

Crooning on my STEREO: Too Drunk To Fuck by NOUVELLE VAGUE



I ADORE SUMMER(s). It is the time of the year when everybody gets less pissy, less inhibited and more accomodating. The youths party. The adults picnic. The dogs play. The birds sing. The children annoy.

Sunburnt whales invade the beaches. Bikini anorexics exhibit their silicon cleavages. If you have lived in the Great Britain, you will marvel at the slightest indication of summer's coming.

Ahh.... those were my days of liberty: Skipping around Regents Park in discounted New Look summer dresses and H&M flip flops. Long live, London.

Okay. I am back in Kuala Lumpur. I love it here. But it is a little painful adjusting to a weather-less climate. To my fellow foreign friends:- I have said this many times, DO NOT BE DECEIVED BY THE POSTCARDS. BLUE SKIES DO NOT EXIST IN THIS CITY.

The sun, well, is something that the locals avoid. And if they see you basking in the sun in your little strapless dress, they'd laugh at your foolish obssession.

And there is no such thing as the monsoon season because we have been plagued by thunderstorms almost every other day.
Hence, you do not have to plan your holiday here on specific periods of the year - since we're gonna have sucky weather all year round anyway.

Truth is, my best summers were spent abroad. Minus those numerous drunkfests and decadent student summers, my happiest will always be Summer 2003; the year when I got out of uni and flew to Vienna to meet my family. We then embarked on a month long holiday through Austria and Switzerland via the Glacier Express.



I saw somethings so sublime that I was ready to die in the mountains. No, it wasn't a yoddler.

Back to the distasteful present. I took a day off last week as a partial-recuperation from Champion's League, followed by an impromptu doc's visit over a suspicious tumour in my body. As I did my first ultrasound, I thought," Damn, I have had so many wicked summers.... if luck is a bitch I could be spending mine in a WARD this year."

No. No. Of course Not. Damn You.

So I planned my summer vacations asap. I am going to the beach. I am going home in August. And I will be spending more time on real charity. Together with a loved one, we have even charted optimistic plans for the next 12 months.

Well, value your life. On top of that, you should also stop listening to stupid things that stupid people say to you. A smart alec once looked at my palm and said, 'Oh, hun... I hate to tell you this, but you are going to have a difficult life.'

My life actually got very good after that.

I Don't Want To Sleep Alone

Crooning on my STEREO: A Ballad For My Little Hyena by AFTERHOURS

We all have issues with trust. You don't trust your postman. You think your husband is cheating on you. You suspect that your son is oogling porn sites on the internet. You think your cat may eat your fish. You don't like Bush. You don't trust Alam Flora collecting your garbage on time.

You see, I have always been a fiercely loyal person. I live by a kindergarten formula: Be nice to me, and I will be very nice to you. And it takes a very simple betrayal to break that pact.

If you stab me with a blade, I will slash you with a scythe.

In fact, this is a bargain; you give me some and I will give you MORE. Faham?

Of course, life is not as anal as it seems. This scene from Bali has taught me about the beauty of co-existence.


Woman sleeping beside python.
(And I can testify that both woman and snake are very much alive.)

Salvation does exist in this world. If a reptile is able base its trust on Man, they share a mutual understanding that one will not harm the other.
This illustrates that trust transcends words. It is simply built on instinct.
If I am able to bring myself to sleep beside you, I wouldn't expect you to strangulate me in my sleep.

Speaking of such, I am not encouraging you to sleep with your enemy.

Building a comfortable level of trust between two parties is never instantenous. It takes an awful amount of time. Years. Or even decades.

Sometimes, you simply can't bring yourself to trust a particular person.

We all have our fair share of disappointments. There was a girl I knew who constantly whined/ exaggerated on the cruelty of the people around her, and how she is unable to progress in her life as a consequence.

All I could say to her was, no matter how many bastards and bitches we encounter in our lifetime, we just have to move on.

Life is a domesticated bat. You were once wild, but you were held captive.
And in order to survive, you have to trust your captors.



Off tangent, you may even have to fight for your right to co-exist with another being.
I call this: the passionate pain of love and hate.

Odio ed amore.

And I am fighting it. Because I love him.

The Silk Road and Genghis Khan.

Crooning on my STEREO: Bellezza by MARLENE KUNTZ

While I was penning my 4th feature script, my brainstorming sessions revealed a serious defect in plot setting. There was a marvellous storyline, coupled with extraordinary characters and kickass sketch edits, but I sensed a certain void in empathising with the story's surroundings.

Hence I never completed that particular screenplay. And hence I never received my Oscar.

Like any other wannabe, I was ambitious. I chose to narrate my emo- fiction along the very long Silk Road and its surroundings. If you have absolutely no idea what this legendary route entails, have a good look at the map below:-



I know, it will take me decades to walk it. And probably a century to write a book on it.

Silk Road is an unexploited region that intrigues me. When self proclaimed travellers tell me that they've seen the world after flocking to Western Europe, I am then reminded of a certain inbred stupidity that resides in yuppies nowadays. Before I puke, I will stop bitching for now.

Central Asia is an entirely different world. Trust me.

The inhabitants of these regions are generally better looking. And since my boyfriend dated one of them, I have developed a compulsive complex aka. perception that everybody there is ultra-hot and attractive.

You begin your journey in Vietnam. Then you enter CHINA. My great motherland. Great Gran Daddy apparently had a castle and a pretty jet there until they were snatched away by the communists. Such idiots, I know. We even went searching for it when we went to Beijing last year.

Beijing does not do China justice. The Great Wall does. And the picture below also does.


I guess you would then have to venture beyond the Great Wall to see Greater China. Rent a camel that would take you cross-country. And do it like Che Guevara alla. Motorcycle Diaries.

Our trans-asian adventure should be dubbed: The Camel Diaries.

Along the way, one should pay homage to the great and mighty GENGHIS KHAN. The warrior dude who came and conquered. The hero who invaded extensive amount of lands with the same ease as Pac-Man. With this in mind, MONGOLIA is another must-see. (Although it might be easier to detour with the Trans-Siberian route. I will explain that in a separate post.)



My dad used to bull me with a story that we are the descendants of some barbaric tribe of Inner Mongolia. Probably explains why I have inherited such ape-hair genes.

So you keep riding on your camel until you reach Uzbekistan. If you are naively hoping for some sort of Borat adventure, then you can drop by in Kazakhstan. If you are penniless at this point and your camel has passed out, then I suggest that you halt your journey before you reach the borders of Afghanistan.

Recently I dug up remnants of my abandoned script. I thought to myself that if I am to complete this masterpiece once and for all, a lifetime journey to all the said places MUST be made within the next 3 years.

Not necessarily with a camel, though.

Leaving Again

Crooning on my STEREO: Te Busque by NELLY FURTADO

I can't write anymore. I just can't. I am beginning to think that my dyslexia is devouring my organic brain right left and center.

I finally left my workplace. Check out the horrendous glee in my piggy-dancing performance on the last day of office. God, I must have been such a pest.



And yeah, you've guessed it right, the cubicle (swarmed with delicious visuals of studs) in the background belong(ed) to me. Jenny, the girl who doesnt look too amused, inherited some of my professional rubbish.

Check out the lovely farewell card:-



I feel so loved. Thanks my lovelies :)

I am rushing off to the airport now and will be gone for three weeks. Not that anyone will miss me that much, I just thought I will leave my clubbing buddies a memorabilia of a certain hottie in the background.... (nope nope.. not Matt.. haha! )



Last but not least... a little tribute to my favourite clubbing buddy (SLUTIRAH)... who has tolerated my drunken antics in her car (and vice versa) for the past 4 months!

(was supposed to post your pic here... but my wifi died on me and I have to make do with no pic.... sigh)

BYE NOW.... TAKE CARE AND SEE YOU IN THREE WEEKS!!!!

In case you cant tell, I am rushing like mad here..

BRB

Crooning on my STEREO: La Playa by LA OREJA DE VAN GOGH

Ciao folks, I've been working like paddy-cow and will continue to do so for the next week.

It has been 5 long years.



I missed you.




And I loved you.




IN 13 HOURS, WE MEET AGAIN.



French Riviera, HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!

France

Crooning on my STEREO: Torero by CHAYANNE

I am saying this for the very last time:

I am going to CANNES*
NOT PARIS!!!!!

If you want to spread the joy, GET IT RIGHT.

Hong Kong- the home of HSBC

Crooning on my STEREO: Corcovado by EVERYTHING BUT THE GIRL

I suck. at. UPDATING. My mind. is. DEAD.

SMACK!!!!!!

Despertarme. Hell. I hung out at the hospital cafeteria. And had ALOT of hospital pasta. I got back from Hong Kong a few days back, skint and stripped of dignity. This may be my godzillionth visit, but i brought a camera along and took some random pics of a different world for your viewing pleasure.


This is theTIMES SQUARE that erupts in comparison to the Malaysian shithole of the same name. The coolest place to be seen waiting (& loitering) for an anonymous date who may or may not turn up.

Another shot of the BLINDING billboards. I worry about the electricity consumption.

I think this is WICKED. Chinese Lanterns on a boat!!!! This is so OLDSKOOL.

Repulse Bay (sorry, I had to laugh when I first heard the name..) Hong Kong has more kickass beaches than Malaysia. Look... they have GENUINE WHITE SAND!

Last but not least, a splendid view of the commercial center from the PEAK.

Jeez, I am beginning to sound like a deadpan tourist.

Time for bed. Oh, I love HSBC.

The CHINESE Chronicles

Summer Palace, Beijing, China.
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Saturday Night by BON JOVI

Ni Hao Ma??? My Mandarin SUCKS. Therefore I was useless when I was in China. It is such a shame when I stepped foot on my ancestral land for the first time.. and knew NOTHING of the language. MANDARIN IS A BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE. I only speak Cantonese; the slightly less graceful dialect of the Chinese language (Think English versus Gaelic) which isn't exactly useful in BEIJING.

HIGHLIGHT #1: THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA


Yeah you could tell I was pretty KNACKERED.Such a frigging long hike up and down 60degree slopes. We visited a part of the bridge that isn't massively popular, so we literally had the entire bridge to ourselves. This is the view from one of the highest points....
Quite a crap photograph but the view is definitely worth the climb. I forgot to tell you that IT WAS FRIGGING COLD!!!!!!.

The Great Wall is definitely my favourite Beijing haunt....YOU MUST VISIT THIS ANCIENT WONDER AT SOME POINT OF YOUR LIFE. Shoot yourself if you fail to agree with me.

HIGHLIGHT #2: TEMPLES. TEMPLES. TEMPLES.
Temples are EVERYWHERE. I am not going to start naming each and everyone of them because chances are you'll forget their names anyway. The lovely photo on the right is the LAMA TEMPLE. Yep, it is TIBETAN. Lots of Buddha statues, monks, joss sticks and TOURISTS.

Tourists are O-K-A-Y. It is worse when they bring their imbecile kids along on holiday.

Then I encountered a TIBETAN GOOD-LUCK WHEEL. As you can see, I was desperately spinning it for dear life. Not that I am horribly downtrodden at present... it is part of human nature to be GREEDY.

OH BLESS ME

BIGGEST RIP-OFF: THE FORBIDDEN CITY.
I don't get it. People RAVE so much about it. I know it is a fancy palace. Larger than Versailles. Larger than Shrewsbury. Like, WOW.
But it is OVERRRATED. Come on, when you've seen places such as THE TEMPLE OF HEAVEN and THE SUMMER PALACE , the Forbidden City falls straight off my list. Firstly, it is so BLOODY CROWDED. I propose that stupid kids should be banned from tourist spots. Not that 6 year olds possess ample brain cells to learn about Chinese history anyway. They should be left with the PANDAS in the BEIJING ZOO.

Secondly, THERE ARE ABOUT 5 THRONE ROOMS AND THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. Stop kidding me. I didn't pay 45 yuan to watch throne room duplicates. Where did you hide your antiques? Or show me some decent relics that are restored. Everything, including the royal throne, looks like its been fished out of the well.

Thirdly, THERE ARE NO MAPS. Well there are no free ones anyway. In English. You tell the ticket counter that you are a TOURIST and they give you a map shrouded in Chinese characters. If you want an English map, you have to get it off some dodgy PIRATES for 3 yuan. If all fails, you will be forced to wander around a massive pueblo with a compass.
-------------------------
Nature is definitely China's most beautiful.
NEXT STOP: TIBET IN 2007

MY HOLIDAY

Orlando in my ROOM
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Give Me Novocaine by GREEN DAY

Truth is.... I SERIOUSLY NEED TO UPDATE MY BLOG MORE OFTEN

I've been sitting at home like a complete SLOB for the past THREE WEEKS. Apart from those occasional 'ABANDONED DURING CLUBBING' traumas, COMPLAINING about my gradual disfigurement and NOT LIFTING A FINGER to pen my supposedly first class dissertation.....

I HAVE DONE.... NOTHING

I will fucking tell you whats wrong with me.

1) I am LAZY.

2) I am GREEDY.
and

3)MY BEDROOM APPARENTLY HAS BAD FENG SHUI so it supposedly affects my brain's capacity to function.

Huh? I am speaking about my bedroom in Kuala Lumpur. Apparently my bed is positioned in the wrong NORTH-SOUTH-EAST-WEST whatever direction, my study table is in the wrong YING YANG Compass Pointer Earth Position behind the toilet bowl blah blah blah blah...

Honestly, I don't give cos I don't know fucks. After all my life aint that CRAP... I've got stuff some people would only dream of; family, money, friends, dogs, cars, Ipod, degrees etc.....

Beats FENG SHUI - The only thing I NEED to change in my bedroom are the sort of POSTERS I put up on my walls.

Yeah, I've got posters of MEN.

MANY MEN.

Even at 22, I somewhat REFUSE to take them down. I've got massive spreads of FOOTBALL TEAMS staring from the walls, residues of BOYBAND posters left here since I was 15 and a HAND ALTERED ORLANDO BLOOM POSTER which you can admire on the top right of this post.

I NOW HATH RESOLVED THE GRAND MYSTERY AS TO WHY NO ONE HAS EVER ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND.

To increase my fortune, I will take those pictures down.. fuck it!!!

SCORCHED IN SIN CITY

BLiNGinG In NEVADA
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Careless Whisper by 2 PLAY

Bet no one missed me but here's a grand announcement:

I AM BACK

Fuck. I am ORANGE. LAS VEGAS WAS FRIGGING HOT.

HOT.

In a literal sense, the temperature was scorching above 100 degrees god knows fahrenheit. I didn't give a shit about UV index the first time I went there when I was, like, 13. Almost a decade later, after my gorgeous evolution into a TANOREXIC..... guess what?

I AM BURNT.

Burnt beyond RECOGNITION. Even my hair turned GINGER. It was all my own doing. PAH.

Now, in terms of metaphor, women are HOT in Vegas.
5 in every 10 women I saw had their boobs done.

FUCK. I felt like a walking frying pan. It was the first time I was tempted to stuff McD's beef patties into my bikini.

SAD, I KNOW.

No. I didn't get a boob job.
And No, I didn't do a BRITNEY.

Not that I was pissed enough at any point to PROPOSE to any unfortunate clubber. Bear in mind that this was an intended FAMILY HOLIDAY. Instead I had to make do partying with CELINE DION and DAVID COPPERFIELD. So FUNKY indeed.....

After 6 days of stretch limos, unlimited champagne, high rolling and private jets I headed to SAN FRANCISCO for the third time in 20 years.

Locked myself in the Alcatraz and thus blogging from there....

My Big Fat Highbury Adventure

highbury 2
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Une Femme Like U by K'MARO

Nothing beats going to a Highbury Tour DRUNK.
From experience, it was 3 in the afternoon, had some drinks with friends on an empty stomach and hopped onto the Tube ALONE to ARSENAL for a booked tour of the stadium.

ALONE. I repeat. ALONE. Because all my life I've been surrounded by herds of RED DEVIL GLORY HUNTERS.
PAIN IN THE ASS.

Anyway I wont stray from my story. I got onto the tube half pissed, got out of the tube half pissed (forgot a valid Zone 2 ticket) and climbed over the ticket gates. I was behaving like a total chav.

But for JOSE ANTONIO REYES, I was willing to lower my credibility.

With a flowery skirt and a pair of shades, I walked past local builders (they've always been my favourite- they are the only ones who'd shower me with undivided attention) who willingly showed me directions to the stadium eventhough I was blind enough(or too DRUNK) not to know that the mammoth grounds was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

First of all, I was LATE. While others wore the home jersey, I was wearing designer wannabe stuff (come on, i just came from the bar!!!!!) I quickly made friends with a bunch of old chavs and pretty much hung out with them throughout the entire tour. Word then went around that I was the Moderator of the Unofficial Jose Reyes Fan Club and I became an instant celebrity.

(for those who don't know and SHOULD know: I am the infamous LYN REYES- not having watched a single home match)

The tour was comeprehensive, we were shown pretty much the stadium grounds. My personal favourite was the CHANGING ROOMS. Blolody small place, i can imagine 20 fully grown men crammed in there like sardines.

Oh, and naked as well.

I was literally making out with Jose Reyes' bench and hogging his worn jersey from other enthusiasts. (there werent many of them btw so I had it all to MYSELF....) . I was tempted to take photos of the toilet cubicle but was deterred from suspicious stares from the older chaps.... drunk weirdo.

We were shown footages of Arsenal' greatest goals BUT I was so pissed i was half-asleep in the first half (which documented 1930s successes..all I recalled was bad over-permed hair, size 6 shorts, skinny hairy legs and lycra jerseys.)

2hrs later, I was outta the stadium. Good bye Highbury, till we meet again someday.
----------------------------
NOTE TO CONCERNED FELLAS!!!! I am NOT in LONDON at the moment.. so I am pretty much ALIVE and UNHARMED......
Anyway, I will vanish for the next ten days or so... I'm jetting of to LAS VEGAS tommorrow to kick some ass at the VENETIAN... CIAO ALLLLLLLLLL

My Big Fat Greek Adventure Part 3

Panathinaikos FC Stadium Part 2
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Boys and Girls by BLUR

It SUCKS being single and a football enthusiast. It SUCKS being a FEMALE supporter. It SUCKS when you look obviously like a TOURIST checking out foreign soccer grounds.

Thus I am referring to my lone adventure to Panathinaikos FC STADIUM in Athens. I know shits about this team, I can't even name 5 players in the first team. But because I hear about them so constantly in UEFA, I felt obligated to check out their grounds.*

LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT IT WAS LOCATED IN A NON-TOURIST AREA.

I am speaking about a residential precinct beautifully influenced by Britain's MILE END**. Greek Version that is.

So one sunny morning, I hopped onto the Metro to a remote stop called AMBELOKIPI. With a city map in my hands I was wandering around the area like a lost sheep. There were no other tourists so I obviously stood out as an estranged chink tresspassing alien property. Locals were gawking at me like wolves.

Suddenly a dodgy looking bloke on a scooter TRAILED me.

FUCK!!! I THOUGHT.... I SENSE TROUBLE... TROUBLE... TROUBLE....

He stopped. I stopped.

Speaking in horrendous English he confessed he had been stalking me since I got out of the station.

DAMN. I THOUGHT. I AM A VICTIM..VICTIM...VICTIM...

I decided to be honest. I said I couldn't find the footie stadium. (I really expected him to club me with his helmet.. ) God willing he gave me the right directions and I found my way there within seconds.

BUT SHIT.

THE STADIUM WAS THE UGLIEST PIECE OF CONCRETE I HAVE EVER SEEN.

Like, fuck, it looked worst than a third world training pit. Graffiti, rotting cement, and lambasted walls... Its as though someone fired the place with a canon. I took 30seconds to get some quick snaps before another stalker decides to run me down.

See? I told you it downright SUCKS to be a single female footie fan. No hunky boyfriend to escort and protect you from foreign wolves.

For the past god-knows-how-many years I've been doing this shit ALONE. PAHHHH!!!!!

--------------------------
* This is a custom for all my European travels, visit every goddamn stadium. Panathinaikos wasted my precious 2 Euros on the metro...dont expect it to look like Nou Camp.

** If you live in London, you may realise that Mile End is not quite a lovely place to hang around unless you wish to be gnawed.

My Big Fat Greek Adventure Part 2

Crooning on my STEREO: Time After Time by CYNDI LAUPER

Despite missing out on a potential Greek fling, I met the MAN OF MY FANTASIES immortalised in the form of STONE....


Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to

The 17 year old ANTINOUS

As you can tell from his girly name, ANTINOUS is GAY. He shares a BED with EMPEROR HADRIAN who is god-knows- 20-years his senior. Yeah, they SLEEP TOGETHER. A SAGGY OLD MAN in LOVE with a VIRGINAL YOUNG MAN.

HOO-HAH

Anyway, I don't give a damn if they're more gay than Elton John.
The point is:
ANTINOUS IS FUCKING HOT.
I must salute Emperor Hadrian (despite his paedophillic motive) for his BLOODY GOOD TASTE. Even Michael Jackson doesn't kidnap halfway decent looking boys into Neverland.

Check out his bum.

Agree?

Bloody well built for an adolescent boy. Apparently he flexes his muscles consistently at the ancient Roman gynasium* (obviously now in ruins.... but how I YEARN to go back in time ). According to some rather poetic sources, his wavy and gladiator-esque hair is NATURAL.
No WAXING, NO BUFFING, NO SILLICON IMPLANTS, NO CLOTHES, NO Y-FRONTS.... NOTHING.**
NADA.


HE JUST LOOKS B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L

Truth is, this boy must have been quite a HOTTIE HUNK in order to have his pretty face modelled into 100s of 'sex toys' (aka. Roman sculptures) adorning Emperor Hadrian's vast empire. Courtesy of his generous sugar daddy, he even has a CITY named after him.

How cool is that?

It only gets better: ANTINOUS IS A RELIGION***(You can still worship him TODAY. E-mail me for the cult address) Just when I thought that I was the QUEEN of 'BOY PIN-UP' obssession, that old man Hadrian beats me hands down.


That's it.
I've lost salvation in mortal men.****

------------------------------------------------

* Thought you might want to know that ancient athletes used to work their muscles without any clothes on, like, totally NAKED.

** Ma Mere's LOUIS GARREL was my favourite male nude until I 'met' ANTINOUS last week.

*** Before you cringe, a rather obssessive and deluded Emperor Hadrian believed that anyone who drowned in the Nile (which was eventually Antinous' fate) would be proclaimed a GOD. It is still a mystery as to how this sexy little boy ended up in the river...
(A new version revealed that a certain Señorita Lyn had a tussle with Emperor Hadrian over Antinous at the scene of the accident......but just as Antinous realised that he himself MAY as well be heterosexual.......)

**** Since NO mortal man is interested in me anyway.