Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Grief.

Crooning on my STEREO: Angel by SARAH MCLACHLAN

Perhaps one of the hardest things to grasp is an occasion beyond your control. Yesterday I experienced something called grief.

Great grief. It is almost similar to how you feel when a loved one passes away.

I used to think that grief is overrated. But until I had it crawl into my heart yesterday, that’s when I felt really sad. It is sadder than anything that I have experienced in my sheltered life. It paralyses your ability to reason, to smile, and most importantly, to move on. I think it made me stupid.

Prior to this, I never fully understood the grief that people go through when they get dumped. I used to think and get annoyed with a few people: why on earth do you cry on and on and on and on? Drink and forget your problems!!

Until yesterday, I understood fully that no amount of drinking will ever restore your strength to climb out of that damp bed and leave that tear-soaked pillow alone. You are remotely lucky if you are even able to fall asleep for 10 minutes. I haven’t slept in 2 days.

To find a way around this enemy called grief, I will be upfront with you.

Giovanni, the man whom I loved deeply for two years, has left me for good. And the breakup wasn’t executed in the most conventional method where, boy cheats on girl, girl finds out, boy freaks out, girl leaves him, boy chases her, girl cheats on him, and boy breaks up with her.

Honestly, that would have been much easier for me to deal with.

Mine is a little more complicated, and it ended on a terrifying manner. So terrifying that after I made that dreaded phone call to him from the office, I came back shivering at my desk while I should be excited at a 6 digit deal waving at me from my computer screen. At that point, something inert in me had died and I pretty much knew that my life would change. I was (and am) not my usual self.

Friends knew how much I loved him. Perhaps a little too excessively as with any first love. Like most mortals, I have made mistakes with myself and with him. I fault him when he didn’t do any wrong. And he was aloof when my feelings were hurt. That’s when the equation called ‘love’ went wrong.

I met him in Perugia , when I was serving a study scholarship of 3 months. He was the housemate of my fellow compatriots, and it was love at first sight. Two months later, it was his brother’s birthday. We all went. He was drunk. I fancied him. And it started from there. It was perfect at the beginning because he did all he could to court me. Even when he was financially tight he scraped to take me out, surprised me, lit candles for me, cooked for me and used his savings to buy me a necklace for Xmas which he believed reflected the color of my eyes. No man has ever done that for me. Early on I admitted that I was falling in love with him quite deeply.

He was going to be my first boyfriend. And he called me his girlfriend.

All that happened barely a month before I was due to leave for my home country for good. We had a tearful goodbye where I spent the final night at his place, and did the tragic parting scene where he kissed me goodbye and left. 5 minutes later he came back again to do the unbearable farewell. While I thought we would part forever, he promised that he will wait for me despite the uncertainty. And he did.

And so, we embarked on this dreadful and expensive mode of relationship: Long Distance.

I was fortunate to have generous parents and a job that allowed me to travel. I had opportunities to go to him, to relive those beautiful days when we would just stay close together, watch movies, cook lasagna, eat pizza takeaways, drink and to do all the things that lovers do.

I love the kitchen at his place, he is a marvelous cook, did all the hard work while I just watch MTV Italia waiting to be served. Then the house tortoise would peek into the kitchen door and we had to shove him out again. Even if it is just 3 days or 1 week.. they were simply the happiest moments of my life. From the photos we took, the days with him were always, always sunny.

But these brief moments of love were also the triggers of some the saddest moments of my life. I would move into a mode of depression whenever I had part with him. I usually felt very down, and most people didn’t understand why. And because of that I felt alone. Friends fell out with me because they simply didn't understand.

During those interims of encounters we had a god sent device called Skype. And I remember those tender moments when we spoke till I would gradually fall asleep. The next morning when I would wake up for work with a loving feeling in my heart.

There were also times when we couldn't speak on skype due to the time difference, his text messages were brief and rare. Thats when I felt that I was losing him. I became desperate. And I became angry. And I verbally attacked him on more than occasions.

Gradually things deteriorated. He took a job at a local cafe which was full time. Our phone conversations became rare. And text messages were brief. And I became aggressive, manic and upset.

I made it a habit to threaten to leave him several times in order to get his attention. I never intended it but I was often assured that he would say something that he does not want to end and that he wants to stay with me. I knew i was selfish, but i wanted that assurance. However, who would have known that this habit would eventually be fatal.

I eventually took a job in Munich to be closer to him. I knew things would be better and that we could see each other more often. I thought it would be feasible in the long run. But of course my sacrifices would be to move to a country alone where I have never been to, without knowing the language and to leave my family and friends. But he inspired me that I could take that challenge.

So I moved. Adapted there. Three months into my stay he still had not made plans to come to see me. Family and friends were pressuring me that something was wrong. So, on a night when he did not reply to my messages, I became aggressive, threatening and angry once again. As always he would often assure me that things were ok.

On the 25th of October. I made a trip to Rome to see him on a surprise. And he was happy. So was I. And he told me that he loved me. I believed him and I felt an assured hope that we will be okay together. And he promised he would see me towards the end of November. I was so relieved, contented and most of all, hopeful.

However, on the 11th of November, he wrote to say that he will be going back to his hometown on the week he was supposed to see me. I was hugely disappointed because a promise was made and then broken. It didn't come across as important to him and I, again, turned hugely aggressive. I sent him hurtful text messages throughout the night, and his lack of response only made me more angry. And sad.

Yesterday, I received a text from him that he wanted things to be over. It broke me. So I rang him from the office in every hope that maybe things could be saved. But he wasn't swayed. He told me the actual reason, which, turned my blood cold.

And I can't write it here. I wish I could but i would respect his privacy.

But it was something that broke me. He then went on to say that he couldn't see a future with me and I shouldn't try to come to him. Even if i got a job in italy, he told me he would be somewhere else.

That broke me into pieces.

I was shocked. And if only I could describe the sharp pain across my chest and his sudden motive to get rid of me out of his life, I was shattered. And shocked at the other reason which I could not write here. It was too much for me, I became a wreck and perhaps I could have done something drastic had I not been in the office.

And the sad thing is, we were so happy just the week before. Now it has taken a 180 degree turn and I don't know why. He refused to say that he loves me when he just did a week ago. That very night we spoke for the final time, he made the decision and I was out of his life. Eventhough it was against my will and I did want to try to continue. He didn't buy it and he was intent to break up with me. I also saw him cry for the first time.

He said it would be better for me which was the most common excuse for all breakups. I was, to him, like any other girl. Any other ex. I have joined the alumni.

And i somehow I feel, with that unspoken burden of his, he will go back to a particular American girl.

And the saddest thing is, had we stayed on, we could have made it to our 2 years next week.

I haven't heard from him since. I don't know what to do and I feel lost, shocked and afraid. Absolutely lost and far away from home. I can't write this anymore because it breaks my heart.

He has left me alone to deal with grief. This immense grief that is so painful beyond words. I wish he knew. I hope you will understand too.

4 comments:

KY said...

I don't know if there is anything I could say to make you feel better. It is of course the most unpleasant experience to have to go through, with few friends around in a foreign land. Stay strong, lyn, we make plans for futsal when you're back ok?

*hugs*

Jolenesiah said...

hugs...
i totally understand how u feel..
i cried reading ur blog... hugs

Been there, done that said...

This will heal slowly and one day you will be on the other side of it and years from now you will be so happy that you were young and in love in Italy. You will understand everything that happened and why. And you will thank him for being your love that special year.

Yng Lyn said...

guess what? i finally got the truth out of him. He found somebody else.