Post Match Bitterness... Cont'd

Found some classic explanatory diagrams today.







Caption says 'RUUD SHOWED WAYNE AROUND HIS NEW HOME'

Very..very appropriate...
and comforting.

Ridiculous Things People have said to me this week.

SUNDAY
A Manchester United fan, disillusionedly ecstatic over her team's rare victory, screamed on top of her lungs,
'Did you watch the match?? That Brazilian guy is soooooo goood!'
'Who?'
'Christiano Ronaldo'

Victory transforms ignorance into utter foolishness.

MONDAY
I went into an obscure IronMonger to hunt for a rare specie of lightbulb for my flat. As I was looking through the vast section of bulbs, a middle aged man who stood next to me said,
'Did you used to model?'
'No.'
'I see, what a shame. Agencies often go for muscular and plus-sized models nowadays.You'd be good...'

p.s: That man was a photographer.

TUESDAY
I charged into Selfridges to stock up on Clinique skincare. I had a pretty good conversation with the salesgirl behind the cosmetic counter until she blatantly commented,
'Your skin seems very blotchy, uneven and oily, Let me recommend the pore minimiser....'

And I thought I looked pretty decent that day.

WEDNESDAY
Sat next to CuteBoy in class. All was going well until he thoughtfully said,
'Oh yeah, I remember you broke that chair the other day.'

Shit. He remembered.

LYN's RANT BOARD (Yes, I actually DO get ANNOYED)

Yes, it is THAT TIME of the month. And YES, little things DO annoy me BIG time.
Here's the LOWDOWN of what pisses the crap out of me.

1) MANCHESTER UNITED FANS
NOT ALL, but MOST M.U fans are downright HOOLIGANS. Like those who ring your mobile 50 times to piss you off when their crap donkey transexual striker (guess who?) scores an undeserved penalty.
FINE.
But how often do you EVER have ARSENAL fans taunting you with countless text messages and phonecalls after their team wins one match?

MOST MU Fans have preserved that imbecile reputation successfully.

And most MU fans are FEMALES.

2) MANCHESTER UNITED
Think ANIMAL FARM UNITED aka SAFARI UNITED complete with newly arrived (and imported) exotic & exciting wildlife.

SPECIES
Alan Smith = ALBINO 'RAPIST' MONKEY
Van Nisterooy = ROARING DONKEY
Wayne Rooney = VIAGRA CHARGED WILD BOAR
Christiano Ronaldo = OVERGROWN MONITOR LIZARD

3) MANCHESTER UNITED FIELD STRATEGY
Once upon a time, Ferguson said to the Nevilles,
'See that Spaniard? Keep on tripping and kicking him to the ground. Dont worry, no red card. I have bribed the refs.'

How does it feel when your husband comes home limping and bleeding like he had been attacked by several sexually deprived creatures?

Enough said.

4) MY INTERNET CONNECTION
Yes, to those who get damned annoyed when i appear and vanish every 5 mins on MSN.

DONT FUCKING BLAME ME.
FUCKING BLAME MY INTERNET CONNECTION.

Don't EVER believe your landlord when he says that your flat is equipped with the fastest broadband connection in the damn country.

And MAC MSN SUCKS. Stick to WINDOWS.

5) 'FRIENDS'
People who CLAIM to have known me all their lives suddenly ASSUME that I am pissed off at them.
Maybe its because I didn't return their calls, texts, mails by accident.... etc

IF YOU 'FRIENDS' REALLY,REALLY,REALLY,REALLY KNOW ME, YOU KNOW THAT I WILL ONLY GET PISSED OFF ONCE IN A BLUE MOON,
(unless you can't stop harping your insecurities on my nerves.)

Sometimes I wonder how much you patty lot know about me.
-------------------------------------------

HELLO??? DO I LOOK LIKE I ENJOYYYY GETTING PISSED OFF FOR NO REASON?????

Today is the blue moon.

What TYPE is YOUR MAN???

Take a sheet of paper.
Answer these objective questions with humour.
Check the results at the end.

DISCLAIMER: NO OFFENCE INTENDED FOR THE WEAK AT HEART

1) Your crush/boyfriend was born in
a) KUALA LUMPUR
b) BLACKPOOL
c) MELBOURNE
d) CHICAGO

2) His dress sense consists of
a) a pair of TED BAKER jeans (only one pair for the sake of posing), ill Fitting Designer Top and a pair of Air Jordans
b) The occasional adidas TRACKSUIT, a tarnished gold necklace (courrtesy of Claire's Accessories) and one stale BEANIE
c) A Hawaiian print shirt, cargo shorts to flash his hairy legs complete with a pair of flip flops.
d) Oversized t-shirt emblazed by a GOLD medallion and jeans three times his size.

3) His mobile phone is
a) God knows ( he changes to a new one every fortnight)
b) MOTOROLA S700
c) NOKIA 3210 (handed down by his sister 5 years ago)
d) A self assembled phone with a glittery cover to emulate the 'diamond' effect

4) His Favourite Shopping Destination is
a) Mid Valley, Malaysia
b) JD SPORTS
c) Harvey Norman in search of a new BBQ Pit.
d) Downtown HARLEM

5) His student accomodation is
a) the most expensive student house he can get his hands on (so as to impress other impoverished Malaysians)
b) A moss-infected student terrace block with overgrown creepers and a replica of Lothlorien in his backyard. Otherwise, he squats in a dodgy nightclub called KINGDOM
c) A wooden hut
d) A stolen modified Mercedes C-class (note: check MTV's Pimp My Ride)

6) As for sports, he likes to play
a) BASKETBALL (gone were the days when dating boys from the school basketball team was considered a crowning glory)
b) FOOTBALL (he played for his local football team 5 years ago, it was the peak of his career)
c) RUGBY, FOOTY, BASEBALL, CRICKET, HOCKEY. FENCING, LAWNBOWLING and any sport you can think of.
d) None. Perhaps some random slam dunks with the neighbourhood kids. Oh, guns.

7) Over-used spoken vocabulary
a) WAH LAU!!!!!!!!
b) SHIT, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
c) Blah blah blah.... MATE
d) Yo, Me Brovaz in Da Hood

8) He swoons over
a) Anorexic models like Channel [v]'s Cindy Burbridge
b) David Beckham.... and his nails.
c) Surfer Chicks and burnt BBQ meat.
d) Any living creature in a BIKINI

9) His name is somewhere along the lines of
a) LIM AH KAU (guised under an exotic English name of MARCO)
b) BRIAN MANCHESTER (hideously monotonous and common)
c) CROCODILE HUNTER (so engrossed with wildlife that he forgets his name)
d) 50 CENT

If your answers are MOSTLY
A
He is a Malaysian wannabe cool rich Western brat. Usually ugly and pimply.
B
He is a First Class British TOWNIE craving for absolute attention. Apparently does the full monty in male changing rooms. FOR HEAVENS SAKE.
C
He is a DOWN UNDER WOMBAT. As part of his romantic commitment, he takes you to the outward bound camp.
D
P.Diddy is his mentor. He is a BLING-BLING GIGOLO. Don't expect an engagement ring from Tiffany's, he will get you a gawdy gold one from Harvey Nichol's.

Rue De Purgatoire

Looking back at Summer 2004 @ Zurich -> I FOUND THE PURGATORY GATES!!!!!!!!!!

Today was a PMS day. I broke a chair in the lecture theatre, then ate 3 packs of Indomie, 2 Southern Fried Steaks, Half a Belgian Pate, more Sevillan Olives, and 100g of Mayonaise straight from the jar and another three tablespoons of strawberry jam.
TALK ABOUT A SCREWED WINTER APPETITE...

And I am still PROCRASTINATING over my preparation for my seminar presentation tommorrow....wish me luck!

RESIDENT EVIL

More Franz Ferdinand on the stereo that the landlord's son next door is finally suffering from Insomnia.

'This Fire's is out of Control
We Gotta Burn This CITY
BURN THIS CITY
BURN THIS CITY!!!!!!'

No implication in the lyrics above, just that any soul residing in Fitzroy House will be burning me alive the next time they see me.

I devoured 250g of expired Napoli Tortellini and I am going to puke in the hallway.

My cousin just handed me a stack of desireable topless posters of PETER ANDRE.
(What the fuck????)

I am seriously going to PUKE.

Thank You Fitzroy House for cleaning up my mess... ciao.

p:s Inspired by my friend Vincent's Blog, I am going to indulge in my perfection. No, I don't suffer from a low self esteem. And No, I am not trying to pick up guys. And YES I am going to make BRAGGING my hobby.

Watch this space.

Jeremy Bentham told me that I was above the average league. Yes, I agree. Who is going to argue with Bentham?

Conversations with Jeremy Bentham

Note: The remains of the great philosopher Jeremy Bentham is exhibited in the Hall of the Main University College London Quad. His waxed figure (complete with his skeleton beneath the preserved exterior) is on display in a giant coffin sized cupboard...but as freaky as it may sound, he turned out to be rather friendly.

8:10pm: I took a route through the Bentham hall simply because there was no other way out of the university building which shortcuts to my flat. My coursemates all took a different route because they lived in a different area. OK. I was alone. And my footsteps echoed through the hall. Jeremy Bentham was on my right.

Bentham: Hello, young lady.
Me: Errrmmmm..... hello??
Bentham: Why do you look so..... perplexed?
Me: Cos YOU are speaking to me. I could have screamed, y'know...
Bentham: You could have asked for my autograph.
Me:(Almost pissing in my pants) True....... can I go now?
Bentham: No, pray, tell me, why are you unhappy? The Boy?
Me: (relieved that someone actually wanted to listen to my miseries) God, yeah. He didn't run after me. He went off with her. You saw it, didn't you?
Bentham: I don't have a good view of their whereabouts from here. But I suppose I see them going to library together sometimes.
Me: Tell me, Jeremy... I am so sick of falling in love at the wrong times... why does fate deprive me of the only thing that will make me smile away from home?
Bentham: Simply because you are blessed with many things others could only dream of.
Me: Like what? An I POD?
Bentham: Maybe. I saw a chap who walked past me listening to one earlier on.

(Pauses) ( Dread creeps into my nerves....I sense an upcoming lecture......)

Bentham: Tell me, who has travelled around the world? Who has seen paradise on the peaks of St. Moritz? Who has successfully written a dissertation without consulting credible sources? Who has her own London apartment? Who has a perfect family who provides and loves her unconditionally? Who has the guts to get herself tattooed and pierced alone without bringing a school of chaperons? Who has met Formula 1 drivers? Who has seen Real Madrid play? Who has acted on national stage? Who has figure skated? Who has sprinted? Who has watched the films of Julio Medem and found her alter ego in his characters? Who aspires to go to Latin America to seek the holy grail? Who has just bought a pair of 30quid jeans from River Island today? Who has wished upon the stars of Orion and had her wish came true? Who possesses the unparalleled compassion for stray dogs? Who is happily doing her MA? Who has intervened several of her friends' attempted suicides? Who empathised with Giuletta Massoni in the Nights of Carbiria? Which student uses Wedgewood plates for Pot Noodles? Who.....
Me: (Interrupts) Damn, you do know a lot..
Bentham:Therefore, I am Jeremy Bentham.
Me: You deserve your credit. Thanks... really, you're right. I should not complain. But still....
Bentham: Listen to the New Radicals, 'Someday We'll Know'.
Me: Phwoar!!! They played at your time???
Bentham:My child, fate has it that you will only meet the man who is as good as you are. The act of waiting is a pain, but you are UP there. You are way above the league of this boy and the rest of your unfortunate encounters in the past.
Me: Thanks, (with a tear) and thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate it...TRULY.
Want me to open the cupboard so that you can take a stroll?
Bentham: No, it is my wish to be here. Go,my child, before winter sets in.
Me:I shall remember this. And I look forward to speaking to you soon. Thanks Jeremy, once again.

Thus, I went home with a smile. And danced to Franz Ferdinand.

And of course, The New Radicals, too.

10 Things I Love about London

In No Particular Order...

1) I have my own Flat
Which means I can blast my music, dance around naked, barbeque rats, practice karaoke and bring home Big Issue Sellers without the prying eyes of others.

2) No One Gives a Shit about You
You can dress up like a doll and you will still fit into the crowd. Today I can be a goth, tommorrow a punk, the next a drag queen etcc... no one bothers. This is the place where I can finally wear my legwarmers without enduring stares.

3) Everyone has an I POD
In Malaysia, if you are seen with an I POD you are doomed to be robbed.

4) The Tube
Most would disagree with this part, but The Tube is a godsent invention. Efficient, fast and it doesn't induce nausea.
It is also a romantic muse;I've never seen so many people snog in such an unhygienic place.

5) Shopping
Nothing in this world beats several Body Shops and Zaras lined up on the same street. Knightsbridge is PARADISE.

6) Celebrities
Yes, there is a possibility you may bump into a member of The Strokes in the Tube, the Beckhams at Harrods, Jude Law in Covent Garden and Reyes kicking about in Hyde Park (I wish!) Fan culture means that I will camp outside Odeon in the cold to catch the premiere screenings of the upcoming London Film Festival... with the stars!

7) Arsenal
Highbury is only several tube stops away....

8) Faster Pace
People generally walk faster; which means no more waddling road hogs in front of you. If there is, run them down and you wont need to be sorry.

9) Heathrow
Not that I love heathrow the airport.. the fact that it is no longer three hours away by coach means that I can jet off any weekend to a sunny island to escape the occasional English blizzard.

10) Bayswater
FOOD. ICE RINK. CHEAP PHONECARDS. and the best ROAST DUCK RICE ON PLANET EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Death in Tottenham Court Road

5:45pm: I walk briskly home from college, with my soul mate (aka. I Pod) tugged nicely into my ears crooning Santana's feat Jorge Moreno's 'Satellite'.
I walked.
The usual stuff; crossing the road, abiding by traffic rules and racing my way through masses of people waddling their way to the Warren Street tube station. It's everyday stuff.
Nothing New.
I walked past Sainsbury's and stopped briefly at the pedestrian junction. I needed to cross Tottenham Court Road in order to get back to my flat. The pedestrian light was green, but people were literally running across the street.
Why the hurry? I thought to myself in the mentality of a country bumpkin.
But the lights have been green for quite some time.
I took the chance and I crossed. Just like any other pedestrian.
I paced rather quickly.
But it turned orange when I was in the middle of the road.
With Jorge Moreno screaming into my ears, I conveniently did not hear the engine rev of the 100 vehicles waiting in line.
But my mind raced: RUN!
I ran.

A townie's motorbike and a car accelerated into me.

And that was it. My mind stalled. How did it happen?

God, it hurts.

I died.
It was the moment I turned my head to face those cars driving into me. But it was too late. Maybe I was still alive when it happened. Like a chance. A strange coincidence. That a fool should cross when the light turned orange. I heard sirens and I glanced at an ambulance.

And then I realised.
I was on the other side of the road.

The ambulance raced past me.

But much to your disappointment, I was OK.
and still am.

Perhaps I did die. Like a train of coincidences, everyone is bound to have a close shave with death.
Mine was inches close, I thought I felt an abrasion with an exhaust pipe.
My life could have just ended then.

I may not be typing this now.

WELCOME TO LONDON!!! WOOHOOOO!!
AND CROSS THE ROADS WITH EXTRA CARE!

'Life have many circles. But mine has only revolved once. The most important part is missing,' Los Amantes Del Circulo Polar