Conversations with Jeremy Bentham

Note: The remains of the great philosopher Jeremy Bentham is exhibited in the Hall of the Main University College London Quad. His waxed figure (complete with his skeleton beneath the preserved exterior) is on display in a giant coffin sized cupboard...but as freaky as it may sound, he turned out to be rather friendly.

8:10pm: I took a route through the Bentham hall simply because there was no other way out of the university building which shortcuts to my flat. My coursemates all took a different route because they lived in a different area. OK. I was alone. And my footsteps echoed through the hall. Jeremy Bentham was on my right.

Bentham: Hello, young lady.
Me: Errrmmmm..... hello??
Bentham: Why do you look so..... perplexed?
Me: Cos YOU are speaking to me. I could have screamed, y'know...
Bentham: You could have asked for my autograph.
Me:(Almost pissing in my pants) True....... can I go now?
Bentham: No, pray, tell me, why are you unhappy? The Boy?
Me: (relieved that someone actually wanted to listen to my miseries) God, yeah. He didn't run after me. He went off with her. You saw it, didn't you?
Bentham: I don't have a good view of their whereabouts from here. But I suppose I see them going to library together sometimes.
Me: Tell me, Jeremy... I am so sick of falling in love at the wrong times... why does fate deprive me of the only thing that will make me smile away from home?
Bentham: Simply because you are blessed with many things others could only dream of.
Me: Like what? An I POD?
Bentham: Maybe. I saw a chap who walked past me listening to one earlier on.

(Pauses) ( Dread creeps into my nerves....I sense an upcoming lecture......)

Bentham: Tell me, who has travelled around the world? Who has seen paradise on the peaks of St. Moritz? Who has successfully written a dissertation without consulting credible sources? Who has her own London apartment? Who has a perfect family who provides and loves her unconditionally? Who has the guts to get herself tattooed and pierced alone without bringing a school of chaperons? Who has met Formula 1 drivers? Who has seen Real Madrid play? Who has acted on national stage? Who has figure skated? Who has sprinted? Who has watched the films of Julio Medem and found her alter ego in his characters? Who aspires to go to Latin America to seek the holy grail? Who has just bought a pair of 30quid jeans from River Island today? Who has wished upon the stars of Orion and had her wish came true? Who possesses the unparalleled compassion for stray dogs? Who is happily doing her MA? Who has intervened several of her friends' attempted suicides? Who empathised with Giuletta Massoni in the Nights of Carbiria? Which student uses Wedgewood plates for Pot Noodles? Who.....
Me: (Interrupts) Damn, you do know a lot..
Bentham:Therefore, I am Jeremy Bentham.
Me: You deserve your credit. Thanks... really, you're right. I should not complain. But still....
Bentham: Listen to the New Radicals, 'Someday We'll Know'.
Me: Phwoar!!! They played at your time???
Bentham:My child, fate has it that you will only meet the man who is as good as you are. The act of waiting is a pain, but you are UP there. You are way above the league of this boy and the rest of your unfortunate encounters in the past.
Me: Thanks, (with a tear) and thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate it...TRULY.
Want me to open the cupboard so that you can take a stroll?
Bentham: No, it is my wish to be here. Go,my child, before winter sets in.
Me:I shall remember this. And I look forward to speaking to you soon. Thanks Jeremy, once again.

Thus, I went home with a smile. And danced to Franz Ferdinand.

And of course, The New Radicals, too.