Love Lockdown

Crooning on my STEREO: Chasing Pavements by ADELE

I have no strength to write. But yet I want to tell you something.

This is the only available online excerpt I have but it is without English subtitles. Anyhow if you watch it you can more or less understand what is going on.

Cabiria is a kind hearted prostitute who falls in love with a man and drops everything just to marry him. She has sold off her house and all her belongings to pay for her wedding in Rome.

The scene above depicts when she meets him to pass on the money for their wedding. She is happy and excited. He turns cold. She then realises, to her horror, that he has an ulterior motive to push her off the cliff and take her money. In her despair she begs him to kill her as she cannot face the brutality of her shattered fairytale.

He never loved her.

This is a scene from Closer. An empathetic sequence when one breaks the dreadful news to the other.


And it relates to this other scene. One's selfishness can hurt the other beyond belief.



Cabiria now walks the road alone after having lost the man she loved, her belongings and home. She has nowhere to go. A group of carefree youths walk by and tries to cheer her up. She struggles to smile amidst being grief stricken.


At the very end of the sequence, she eventually acknowledges the existence of hope. And that she will be alright.

Why such videos? Because all these best describe what I went through, and still going through. It may be annoying to you, but perhaps you do not have the slightest idea of how difficult this is for me.

How can you ever recover knowing that you were perceived just as a dying prostitute to the one man you ever loved? It will haunt you.

I am only human.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Crooning on my STEREO: Nuotando Nell'aria by Marlene Kuntz

Dear friends,

You might have stumbled onto this site because you were concerned. Or curious. And I do appreciate you being here. During the time when I returned from my studies in Perugia till the time when I first moved to Munich for a great job, I have abandoned this site briefly because I didn't have much to write.

But who would have thought that now I would be hanging on to this for dear life.

My decision to suspend my Facebook account is to give me interim. I know that cutting off from a network may come across as offensive to some, but I just want to let you all know that I do care. This is something that has to be done even if it is against my initial will.

I am sorry for everything.

It is only best for everyone. And I know good friends will always find a way to connect to me somehow. I am sorry that I have to be selfish.

The past 5 weeks was pivotal. There is also so much that I wish I could share with you, but what you know about what really happened with Gio was only 70% of the whole story. As for the rest, I can only tell you in the form of a bittersweet film.

Which is why some of you may wonder why I can't get over it. And fretting as to why I am carrying so much of emotional burden. And perplexed as to why I am punishing myself.

"Why can't this girl put herself together? It's so trivial!"

I know that for as long as I remained online, I would seek him. Even though I know fully well that he is free to connect with his past loves, it somehow hurts me so bad. I have done everything possible to curb my self destructive trail, but nothing could calm my god forsaken heart.

Because she truly is beautiful. And I am not.

This should never be surprising. I have lost many men in my life and I have been rejected more times than you can imagine, so why should this be any different?

Because I loved him. I wanted to marry him. He thought of marrying me. We wanted kids together. He was the man who showed me that happiness is nothing equivalent to buying a Porsche. And all that we needed was just each other; I didn't need all the material comfort I was showered with from birth. I could abandon all my luxuries because loving him was so simple and pure.

My happiness was him. And because of him, I knew love was happiness.

Within the turn of two years he had hurt me. He chose to give up my love so that he could give his love to another girl. And now I can barely accept that I will ever be good enough for anyone whom I will be able to fall in love with. I have, pretty officially, morphed into a wreck.

At this point, Gio is no longer the enemy. My biggest enemy would be myself.

My friends and family have stood by me from the very beginning. But there will also come a time when i will have to walk this journey alone. It is indeed a very long road ahead for girl who once believed that she could overcome every obstacle that came her way.

Life is never always rosy. Loss is something that is permanent, and can never be replaced. Just like death.

It is now time for me to fight the rest of the battle on my own in every route to recovery. Please understand that it is now crucial for me to abandon my online presence in the meantime so that I can feel what is truly real, and not imagined.

This trauma is equivalent to that of cancer. You can always battle a tumor but it is also something where one can never recover fully but is able to triumph with time. It is never always physically, but often mentally.

Trust me, this is something I know very well. I have to fight for my life.

It all takes courage. I vow to seek the smiling girl who once left on a plane to Malaga in 2004, without a care in the world. She would be happy, and never burdened.

God willing that I will return into your lives one day.

Lots of love and God bless,
Lyn xxx

This, too, will pass.. hopefully.

Crooning on my STEREO: Male in Povere by AFTERHOURS

Before I leave for the Malaga TV Market and London tomorrow, I want to let you know that the past four weeks I have dealt with a traitor, a harlot, an undertaker and a maniac.

You wonder how much one can take? Honestly I don't know. I have seen courageous people overcoming the greatest odds and earthquakes. Frankly I used to believe that I could be one of them, but as you can see; it only takes the loss of one man to trigger a series of shipwrecks on me.

As if the breakup was not dramatic enough, I had to face off several equally traumatizing events which I wish I could put them down here on this column.

But I was told that I shouldn't. Due to legal reasons. Even though writing is serious therapy for me. But damn those rumor mongers; they even robbed my only peace of mind.

I lost the man I love, and now I am left to deal with a psycho. Alone.

I need my family. They are my only love.

I love my friends too, but I cannot bring myself to impose onto them.

I know things could be worse, and I pray that it wouldn't. But I must admit that the constant accumulation of trauma tears my heart. There were times I couldn't connect to it. There were times I prayed for divine intervention.

This emo drive is so unlike me. But I can't lie about my melancholy. I just can't bring myself to deny sadness and write you a happy post. That will just come across as, so, FAKE.

Why, and what have I done wrong? This is really not so bad but why do I feel so bad?

My health is suffering. Please, I pray, don't let anything else get any worse.

I even decided to suspend my job promotion.

This, too, will pass

Crooning on my STEREO: What A Wonderful World by BOB SINCLAR ft Axwell

From the choice of song I reckon i am getting better. I bought the 2009 MOS Annual and I realized that - I have Ibiza and Bob Sinclar to look forward to. I have always wanted to do this before I turn 28 (freaking 3 years from now) and I really shouldn't complain.

Ok I do get my fits about Gio. I miss him like hell.
But I am annoyed at several things so that keeps me distracted from reeling about the whole catastrophe. Obviously I wouldn't tell you everything here, in case some lame psychotic ass would take it word for word and say,"ohhhh Lynnn you lied to me and you are soooo immature. I know the real youuuuu" I am already dealing with a classic example of that type of loser who is spreading lies about me right here in Munich.

Best thing is, I have nothing to do with this insecure and deluded pest. I hardly even know him.

I stalk Il DiVO. YES. Claro Que Si. Doh.

I stalk him? Eeww. L A M E. I did feel sorry for him but there's a line when things go out of hand. Especially if it threatens to affect me professionally.

The next rumor that lands on my table will bring about a surprise. He will probably read this special mention since he is stalking me anyway. Ah, the bitter price of fame.

See? I got 20% of my self esteem back.

Then there's the arduous decision between the car and the dog as a micro attempt next year to replace Gio. Here's the drift:-

The Material Investment: Car
Pros: Looks cool. Something to brag. Good for avoiding freezing your butt off during winter. No U-Bahn MVGs to harass you on tickets. I can drive to Salzburg. I can park in front of clubs.
Cons: 36 month repayment scheme for a first hand. Left hand drive. Not cheap.

The Emotional Investment: Dog
Pros: They are better than men. They really make you happy. I can bring him to work too. And I live opposite a park thats as big as Oxford.
Cons: My work travels. I am usually away for a week so who's going to care for the poor dear? And if he dies I wouldn't want to go through this sorrowful stage again and flood you with depressive posts.


I am trying to choose one of the two as a mode to get down to earth. Help me out and give me your votes now!

Moving On

Crooning on my STEREO: Quiero Ser by AMAIA MONTERO

People, listen to my woes.

Ever since I have been dropped into that pile of shit; I have deteriorated in looks, social skills, zest and wit. I probably stink. I am now fat. I throw myself into work, I obsess over emails and I have to knock down at least 500ml of alco just calm my nerves every evening.

I am turning into a wreck.

Best thing is, he doesn't even know it. He doesn't care. He is probably making love to her as I speak.

Oh god. Eww.

That makes me sick in the day. Then it makes me cry in the night. Really, I can't bloody get over it. So I reckon the temporary relief is to either get very drunk, pass out and pray I will never have to wake up in 5 hours. Even his friends have disappeared.

Wishful thinking, I am now back from Barcelona and nothing of that self pity has changed. I am still the same. So you will have to tolerate at least another 5 depressing blog posts here.

I told you, this is hard. On the bright side, I found almost everything else easier. I could even ring DHL in German and get them to redirect my box of figure skates. Hoo-Hah.

So yeah, I will never have to speak Italian again. Unless I am dealing with RAI which fortunately there is no need to. They are run by women and they don't like dealing with women.

I got my blackberry back today. It is still cracked. Nothing has changed.

So now I am back to square one. Everybody else is inspiring me to ridicule stupid men and continue to live.

Yes I bloody hell can.

Day 5 After The Storm

Crooning on my STEREO: If I Were A Boy by BEYONCE

I dreamt of him with her again last night. When will this ever end?



It has been 7 days since the storm, and fuck it still feels like it happened yesterday. It hurts. So bad.


After all that he has done, I still miss him. so much.


Oh God. Help me.

Day 3 After The Storm

Crooning on my STEREO: All Cried Out by ALLURE

Mum is here with me today, so it is alright. When you have someone minding you after work hours and nagging at the flat, i guess it distracts me quite a bit. I hate to say that when I was out shopping with her just now, I passed by the perfume shop and I had a glance at Moschino Friends. That familiar scent.

Now, it rings a bell as to why he finished that bottle I bought him in March. That was hardly 7 months ago. And I knew he could keep a small bottle for years.

He was using it with her. Even the shower gel. The aftershave.

See? I can't get over it. All these little details are sinking in. It drives me nuts. He's got a nice new jacket. He shopped it with her. He has got a new pair of trendy eye glasses. He shopped it with her. And he lost weight.

And he looked so good just two weeks ago.

It is probably because of her.

I can't stop whining. And so i thought it may be best if someone got me a photo of her so that I am convinced that she is ugly. I swear I will shut up.

Betrayal is a bitch. Schlampe. And it is winter. So I have decided to enrol for ski lessons in January. I have got my skis, boots except the sticks. I am going to dig winter sports. My loyal figure ice skates are on the way from KL to Munich via Fedex. My lovely friends are encouraging me to go out again. I am hoping to get a car by next winter, and my calculations tells me that getting a Porsche in Bavaria is a better long term bet than a BMW.

Even work is empathizing with me. My promotion occurred at the same time as the crisis. Consequently they revealed my 2009 business travel agenda which consist of almost everywhere except Italy. Thank god for that.

Some say that at 25, I have the whole world in front of me.

But I am struggling to smile. It is hard.

What is happiness when you have lost the one you love for eternity? A porsche can never replace that.

Day 2 After The Storm

Crooning on my STEREO: White Flag by DIDO

I managed some sleep last night for a change. I cooked for my work colleagues and we had alot of booze, which is often a good thing. I passed out on my sofa, and I am so gonna sleep there from now on. I have to leave that damp bed alone for now.

Progress is always a good sign. Of course I sill feel incredibly shit in the mornings; often upon the realization that I will never wake up beside him again in this life. And there is often the pain of visualizing him with her instead of me.

Till today I still have not heard from him. And that kind of hurts.

Long distance killed the relationship between us, but she and him are now together and will be together without the distance. I know he can be good without the distance.

Till now, as I should be angry, I still find it hard to accept. The whole scenario is sinking in and I tend to blame myself. It is utterly stupid, i know. My mind kept analyzing the conversation when I begged him to take me back because I know we could work things out with the baby. But he kept pushing me away. I should have read the signs that he did not want to tell me that he was already with another girl in Perugia.

A bloody pain I know. I rearranged the furniture in my flat today. I got an extended contract and a promotion at work. Since I will be staying around for quite some time in Germany I thought of 3 things I could do to momentarily ease the pain and regain a little self esteem:-

1) Buy a dog
or

2) Buy a BMW
or

3) Internet Dating

I have never tried the third one but I reckon meeting odd people might be amusing enough to keep me off the relationship radar.

Yes, I have changed.

After the storm

Crooning on my STEREO: Don't Speak by NO DOUBT

It is 6:30 AM on a Saturday.

And I haven't slept. Even though I am exhausted. Well, I kind of did for about 2 hours till I woke up at 2 am and I am just unable to will myself back to sleep. I tried counting sheep. I tried reading Pushkin. I surfed German TV. I am tempted to do laps but the pool is not open.

And so I blog. It is my way of dealing with this. I live alone in a flat. I often imagined him and the other girl, and how they were together on halloween night just the day before I arrived happily in Rome to meet him for the first time in 6 months. Then I imagined how they went to the movies the day after I left Perugia as a carefree girl full of hope.

As I said, it is not easy. I have had it very tough the past week.

And I thought that only death could bring me this much sorrow. Sometimes I wish I could kid about this.

I must admit that I listened to "From the Bottom of my Broken Heart" on loop.

Well, if Britney can bounce back from the slumps and now looking so bloody hot in her vid, I guess I CAN!

ok, ignore the bit above. You might use it to inciminate me :) Grow up, people.

Things happen for a reason. Though I am on the brink of emotional death, what amazes me is the amount of friends and support who turned up at the very first sign of help. Yes, Facebook. And Yes, right here on my blog.

Because I would never have the guts to call anyone and cry. I am an introvert. I could try but I even lack the strength to, even, talk. I just cry, and cry, and cry.

I received calls, notes and messages of encouragement from so many people near and far. And although I am unable to respond, I have read each and every single one of them during my sleepless 3 nights. They all touched me in different ways, and I will always remember who you are. I want to thank each and everyone of you for being there, because your words give me strength to take baby steps to move on.

When dealing with grief, I used to be very afraid of myself because there were times that I couldn't control myself. But this time, with all the support I had, I refrained from my usual habit of hurting myself. Technically you all saved my life.

And I do not regret posting the lurid details on my phone conversation with Gio on this blog. Yes, it is blatant. And yes, it could be embarrassing. And yes it can be so tabloid.

But it is real.

I cannot deny the truth though I wish I could. The only lie is the fact that I have never cheated on him though I claimed to do so in my final words to him. This is the least you can do to gain a little credibility from the biggest betrayal.

Pursuant to that blatant post, many were able to empathize with the extent of the hurt. It also prompted several friends who wrote to me, and shared their personal experiences. Even though I didn't feel alone, It is somewhat sad for me to know that there are so many good people who have been betrayed in some way of the other.

But the best part of all is that the post had also reached out to those who are also going through the same pain in silence. As a result i have become very protective of these people, and of my own feelings.

All I can say is that NOBODY deserves to go through this painful end. Not even Gio for what he did to me. Yes, he may be a prick, but I just want him to painfully regret losing me for all his life.

My message to everyone out there is this: Protect your feelings. Love yourself AND others. Never cheat on your loved ones. And if you fall out of love, TELL THEM. Don't ever betray them.

They are so simple, yet constantly abused.

Even in marriage.

CLOSURE

Crooning on my STEREO: FUCK U RIGHT BACK by FRANKEE

So, here's bringing you the next episode in the this amazingly dramatic fuck of a hell break up drama....

Read on, it just gets better.

24 hours ago, I pined for his love, his return and called him while BEGGING him to take me back. Yes for three days in the running I was devastated, undignified, cried a gallon and slept with the slightest assurance that, 'ok maybe he will come back to me....'

That proved to be stupid thinking.

That changed 3 hours ago. I had a piercing feeling that one cannot break off from a 2 year relationship just by saying.. 'oh I like you alot but this is for your own good... we just cannot be together.'

I dont buy the fact that two people can't be together because one cares too much about the other. Doesn't make sense, right? If two people are in love, anything goes. I mean, really, I just don't buy the whole scenario. The additional scenario I didn't mention in the previous post is that he is breaking up with me because he found out that he had a 6 year old illegitimate child in America.

That was a complicated possibility that we have always discussed very early on in our relationship and of course I accepted it because I loved him. So when the confirmation came, I was sad but ok with his decision to go off to the States. But he kept wanting to break off with me.

Also it makes no sense to dump your girlfriend for a child, right?

Because nothing made sense, I knew there was more to this havoc reasoning. He kept telling me he was not good for me but never really stated why.

So I called him at 6:45pm today. He was in Naples. I had a framework in my mind that goes by saying, 'Gio, someone told me that you found someone else.. tell me if this is true?' I had to put on some crocodile tears.. I must admit that Method Acting comes in pretty handy.

Here's the convo (translated into from Italian to English):

Lyn: Sayang, have you got a minute?
Gio: Si, si....
Lyn: Be true to me.. behind all this.. are you with somebody?
Gio: No, why do you say this?
Lyn: Someone told me. And since this is the last time we will speak, you must be truthful to me.
Gio: No, WHO TOLD YOU THIS?
Lyn: Gio, I know. (pauses) Tell me.

(pause)

Gio: Yes.

(pause) At this point, Lyn was in total shock.

Lyn: why?
GIo: I am sorry.
Lyn: No you are not.
Gio: Thats why i think it is better to finish with you, I can't keep hurting you.
Lyn: I knew this was true. It was not just the child. It was not just the long distance. (pauses) You found somebody else.

Gio: Si.
Lyn: Ok. (I am going to explode)
(pause)
Gio: I am sorry.
Lyn: Is she beautiful?
Gio: Why do you ask this?
Lyn: Tell me, is she beautiful?

(pause)
Gio: Yes.

Lyn: oh god.. (really, this point was pivotal, my loved for him died)
Gio: I am sorry.
Lyn: More beautiful than me?

(silence. He couldn't answer)

Lyn: When did you meet her?
Gio: September.
Lyn: And are you with her now?
Gio: Yes.
Lyn: oh my god..
Gio: I am sorry. That's why I have to break up with you. It's for your own good.
Lyn: I fucking hell moved to Munich for you.
Gio: I know. But we will not be together.... it is still far.
(pauses)
Lyn: Is she Italian? Where is she from?
Gio: Germany.
Lyn: FUCK....
Gio: I am sorry.

Lyn: And you fucking hell said NOTHING to me when I was with you in Perugia last week? I came all the way for you because I loved you!
Gio: But I did tell you not to come...
Lyn: But you never told me why?!!?
Gio: I know, I am sorry. I just didn't want to hurt you.
Lyn: And on that day you told me you will come to me in Munich and you told me that I am your love ?!!??!!?
Gio: I know, I was happy but..
Lyn: And you were fucking her the night before on OUR bed.
Gio: Don't say this. She was never in my bed.
Lyn: Then WHERE?
Gio: I was always at her house.

Lyn: And you were fucking her when you told me you have to work late nights. You WENT to the movies with her, you went shopping with her and you told me you were going to Luigi's house when in fact you were drinking and fucking her...
Gio: no..

Lyn: And you were MAKING LOVE to her during those nights when I sent you text messages at night and YOU NEVER REPLIED. And I cried throughout those nights because I thought that you forgot about me.
Gio: I am sorry Lyn...
(pause)
Lyn: oh god, I don't know what to do. I feel sick.
Gio: Me too.
Lyn: You were with her from September and yet you sent me messages telling me you missed and loved me.
Gio: I did love you.
Lyn: I don't believe any shit from you. anymore. I can't talk anymore.
Gio: I am sorry Lyn, I am not the guy you want, I am like this and I cannot change. You are far away and I can't do anything.
Lyn: Go fuck her tonight.
Gio: Sayang, stop this;
Lyn: Yes, go. You have her. She is beautiful. And you have a kid somewhere else good luck,

---------------------------
I slammed the phone down. But somehow I felt that needed to get back at him. So I rang him again.

By the way, I fucked someone on your BIRTHDAY.
And he is just like you.

For once, he was very, very pissed off.

That did the trick even though it was half-true.

Thank you for taking 2 years worth of my love for granted. I knew he could be a good person, I believed in him, I trusted him and I had faith in him.

Note the past tense.

BUT FUCK YOU. I AM GOING OUT TONIGHT.