Home sweet home, indeed! On the 21st year of my life I made a stringent resolution to meet up with long lost pals etc.... so far so good! The comic relief lies in the outrageous rumours which have gone around and, coincidentially, reached my ears thanks to some undercover mates! Anyhow, I, the celebrity, am here to clarify the truth behind those rumours....
Myth #1: 'Lyn received an offer for Masters because there is simply no one else applying for a place in Film Studies, so one student is better than none,' said a Parisian Slut to her mother.
FALSE
This uneducated claim was made by a jealous barbie who had to fake her graduation and had to whore her way up the corporate ladder.
And I am sure a university would pusposefully run an entire department with 6 lecutrers solely for ONE student.
Truth is, I was fighting with 300 other applicants for 15 places for MA.
(To the slut: Silencio por favor, por que tu es una PUTA grande.)
Myth #2: ' Lyn will only date Spaniards,' said an Asianphile
FALSE
Firstly, this is purely the case of the kettle calling the pot black.
Secondly, if i was that desperate i would have dated every single Spaniard i know.,, the aerobics teacher, the waiter, the lengua instructor, the salsa boy etc.
Myth #3: 'Lyn used to be so damn hardworking and intelligent back in high school,' said a long lost schoolmate.
FALSE
This is the joke of the century. I barely passed my GCSEs and almost had an 'E' for Maths. Mr Rob said that I was 'slow'. I spent more time chewing gum in class than listening to crap expat teachers.
Myth #4: 'Lyn is married, because her status on Friendster said so.'
FALSE
Yeah, I am married at 21 with 3 kids. My husband is Jose Antonio Reyes.
Myth #5: 'Lyn is in an acting school in London.'
HALF- FALSE
2 years ago, I was contemplating Guildhall for a BA in acting. But if you have seen me doing The Crucible at Actor's Studio box you would conclude that there is absolutely no future in me.
Myth #6: 'Lyn is a party thug.'
FALSE
I don't drink alcohol cos it makes you fat. I don't sleaze dance with random men. I only go out twice a week. And I don't look like a thug.
Myth #7: 'Lyn is dating x,y, and z.'
FALSE
I was single through 1 year of pre-uni, 3 years of university and I shall continue stretching the record of going through masters in solitude. You see, being unattractive is rather,..... pain inducing......
Myth #8: 'Lyn is sooooo fat now!!.'
TRUE
Obesity is the result of happiness.
Myth #9: 'Lyn is really nice!'
HALF-FALSE
I can only count on two hands the number of people whom I am genuinely nice to.
Ever heard of wolf in sheep's clothing?
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Monday, July 19, 2004
Monday, June 28, 2004
GREETINGS FROM SWITZERLAND
In case youve been pondering upon my sudden absence, I am now writing from the chilly mountains of Matahorn with a retarded keyboard+++ so excuse me over the cumbersome spelling errors and Martian characters +"**%%&/(....
We were in St, Moritz the day before, Zurich and Austria a week ago. Weäve been hopping on and off trains like refugees, waking up at unearthly hours to scale mountains and indulging in excessive MTV,s Pimp My Ride series. Tommorrow we,re off to some obscure mountain and hop onto the Glacier Express to Geneva. France next week and back to English soil just in time or mzy graduation. I wish i could post up some random photos now, but this is the hotel computer and ImaC does not have an infra-red link.
Food is extremely good here, been having 4 meals a day and dozens of snacks in between. Even McDs taste better here. Swiss cows are fresh and succulent, milk taste good and men are... o.k.
Its so bloody scenic that its almost surreal ;)
Bliss is the word.
My inbox was flooded with orbituaries and condolences over Spains defeat, shit that sucks++ I am also slipping down my rankings in the Fantasy Football league (courtesy of an influx of French and Spanish tranfers) Thanks for your sympathetic e-mails....I am now rooting for Portugal,s defeat. Speaking of which, we just had dinner in a restaurant and were served by a waiter who was a cross between Ruud Van Donkey and Chrisitano Wannabe Ronaldo.
Two words= HEE HAW.
Anyway, before the conceirge chases me out of this place, to all of you out there, please take care; Shirl, John, James, Sarah, Sue, Arif and a long list..... i better run++++ i hear thunder from the mountains... Mount Olympus could be on the rage+++++
We were in St, Moritz the day before, Zurich and Austria a week ago. Weäve been hopping on and off trains like refugees, waking up at unearthly hours to scale mountains and indulging in excessive MTV,s Pimp My Ride series. Tommorrow we,re off to some obscure mountain and hop onto the Glacier Express to Geneva. France next week and back to English soil just in time or mzy graduation. I wish i could post up some random photos now, but this is the hotel computer and ImaC does not have an infra-red link.
Food is extremely good here, been having 4 meals a day and dozens of snacks in between. Even McDs taste better here. Swiss cows are fresh and succulent, milk taste good and men are... o.k.
Its so bloody scenic that its almost surreal ;)
Bliss is the word.
My inbox was flooded with orbituaries and condolences over Spains defeat, shit that sucks++ I am also slipping down my rankings in the Fantasy Football league (courtesy of an influx of French and Spanish tranfers) Thanks for your sympathetic e-mails....I am now rooting for Portugal,s defeat. Speaking of which, we just had dinner in a restaurant and were served by a waiter who was a cross between Ruud Van Donkey and Chrisitano Wannabe Ronaldo.
Two words= HEE HAW.
Anyway, before the conceirge chases me out of this place, to all of you out there, please take care; Shirl, John, James, Sarah, Sue, Arif and a long list..... i better run++++ i hear thunder from the mountains... Mount Olympus could be on the rage+++++
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Drink Football, Eat Football, Sleep Football
Symptoms of Euro 2004 fever.
(Based on a personal diagnosis.)
a)You begin every conversation with ANY HUMAN (friends, postman, kebab boy, taxi driver, bin collector, etc) with, 'Did you watch the country A vs country B match??'
b)You spend an average of 4 hours in the local pub every day, watching consecutive Euro matches from 5pm till 9pm.
c)You emerge as a laddish hooligan. You throw glass beer bottles at jubilant fans of the rival team which has just gathered 3 points.
d)If you are a girl, you find yourself roaring like a disgrunted dinosaur every time a good attacking cross is manouvered. Your interest on vanity issues, such as Raul's waxed legs, dramatically diminishes.
e)When your team is trailing a loss of 0-5, you binge drink expired ale and nourish your lungs with a year's supply of nicotine.
f)Without much thought, you dump your girlfriend who hogs the telly watching Big Brother.
g)For one month, you are the godsent patriot. Your daily wardrobe consists of St. George t-shirts, national flags as sarongs and headgear proclaiming radical nationalism.
h)Lardbrokes becomes your favourite pre-match haunt.
i)Your mood swings like a pendulum and your friends are cautious of you. They can more or less predict when to approach you depending on match scores.
Your mobile is strangely quiet when your team has just conceded a goal.
j)You make friends with bald beer-bellied England supporters in dodgy bars. You also share the same table as townies in pubs. Yet you do not complain.
k)You live on chips and burgers.
L)You swear and curse so much that everyone thinks you have Tourette's disease.
M)Mp3 playing on loop on your Winamp- 'Lightning Seed's 'Football's coming Home......'
(Based on a personal diagnosis.)
a)You begin every conversation with ANY HUMAN (friends, postman, kebab boy, taxi driver, bin collector, etc) with, 'Did you watch the country A vs country B match??'
b)You spend an average of 4 hours in the local pub every day, watching consecutive Euro matches from 5pm till 9pm.
c)You emerge as a laddish hooligan. You throw glass beer bottles at jubilant fans of the rival team which has just gathered 3 points.
d)If you are a girl, you find yourself roaring like a disgrunted dinosaur every time a good attacking cross is manouvered. Your interest on vanity issues, such as Raul's waxed legs, dramatically diminishes.
e)When your team is trailing a loss of 0-5, you binge drink expired ale and nourish your lungs with a year's supply of nicotine.
f)Without much thought, you dump your girlfriend who hogs the telly watching Big Brother.
g)For one month, you are the godsent patriot. Your daily wardrobe consists of St. George t-shirts, national flags as sarongs and headgear proclaiming radical nationalism.
h)Lardbrokes becomes your favourite pre-match haunt.
i)Your mood swings like a pendulum and your friends are cautious of you. They can more or less predict when to approach you depending on match scores.
Your mobile is strangely quiet when your team has just conceded a goal.
j)You make friends with bald beer-bellied England supporters in dodgy bars. You also share the same table as townies in pubs. Yet you do not complain.
k)You live on chips and burgers.
L)You swear and curse so much that everyone thinks you have Tourette's disease.
M)Mp3 playing on loop on your Winamp- 'Lightning Seed's 'Football's coming Home......'
Sunday, June 13, 2004
6 months Wisdom
The past six months have uncovered several important facts about myself and life.
- No one has the right to dictate your life.
- Selfishness comes in handy 24/7.
- Pests are everywhere, even on your ceiling.
- The notion of Forgiving is full of shit, how the hell can you forgive when you can't forget?
- I have learnt to hate and despise under external circumstances, never self-inflicted.
- I have learnt to love my family greater than ever.
- Self- proclaimed geniuses are the biggest losers.
- Inconsiderate Bastards DO exist. Having to bear with one under the same roof is a Trojan feat.
- We are surrounded by actors and actresses.
- I have learnt to love myself unconditionally.
- I know exactly what I am doing. If you think I am acting strangely, I am doing it on with a concise reason. I am not as one dimensional as you think.
- Tyranny is the most fucking indispicable nature. I have no time and space for such asses.
(I am writing this not because I am pessimistic. No matter how you perceive life positively, shit happens. But I have learnt to deal with it and hell, I am a brand new happy person!!! )
Tip of the day: Laugh at assholes. Value your time :)
- No one has the right to dictate your life.
- Selfishness comes in handy 24/7.
- Pests are everywhere, even on your ceiling.
- The notion of Forgiving is full of shit, how the hell can you forgive when you can't forget?
- I have learnt to hate and despise under external circumstances, never self-inflicted.
- I have learnt to love my family greater than ever.
- Self- proclaimed geniuses are the biggest losers.
- Inconsiderate Bastards DO exist. Having to bear with one under the same roof is a Trojan feat.
- We are surrounded by actors and actresses.
- I have learnt to love myself unconditionally.
- I know exactly what I am doing. If you think I am acting strangely, I am doing it on with a concise reason. I am not as one dimensional as you think.
- Tyranny is the most fucking indispicable nature. I have no time and space for such asses.
(I am writing this not because I am pessimistic. No matter how you perceive life positively, shit happens. But I have learnt to deal with it and hell, I am a brand new happy person!!! )
Tip of the day: Laugh at assholes. Value your time :)
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Read Between the Lines: PART 2
(Andre Breton, thanks for granting me a degree.)
Certain words have certain connotations. Por ejemplo,
Case #1: When it comes to appearance, you are often referred to as 'CUTE'. Never as 'gorgeous', 'beautiful' or 'pretty'.
Definition: 'Cute' defines a fat kid, a wailing baby, your bulldog or a bloated NEMO. Can that be flattering?
Case #2: People often describe you as 'SWEET' and 'NICE'.
Definition: 'SWEET' categorises you as some sort of flower which attracts honey sucking insects such as bees. 'NICE' is the most mundane word in the dictionary. People only use it when they have nothing to say about you.
Case #3: Asianphillics (aka 'gwailos' who have fetishes for exotic chinese girls) in clubs thinks you are 'sexy'.
Definition: Just because you are chatted up by someone of a different race does not literally mean that you are physically attractive. 'Sexy' positions you as a harlot; they see you as available for sex. Don't forget that clubs are badly lit places, no one can really see what the hell you look like. Chances are, your male protagonist is drunk.
Case #4: You go home to Malaysia after being away for more than 6 months. Your grandmother looks at you in horror and says, 'Wah..... You're soooo thin!!'
Definition: According to Chinese tradition, being thin represents a biological famine (malnourish) and consequently indicates that you were living in Satan's lair; an unbearable post-war condition away from home.
Case #5: You have just collected your results. You get 100 missed calls and texts on your mobile phone. One text says,'How did you do?? I am sure you did great! I am sooo happy for you.' The sender is someone who failed his/her exams.
Definition: The 'I am so happy for you' bit is a LIE. He/she is hoping that you have failed as well so that he/she wont be the lone victim of misfortune. The 'I am sure you did great,' bit is a deceptive act of emotional blackmail so that you will owe him/her a favour for not telling them your results.
Monday, June 07, 2004
READ BETWEEN THE LINES. Part ONE.
REMEMBER: People DO NOT speak straight from their hearts.
Situation: YOU are mourning the death of your beloved hamster. You ring your good friend to whine on the atrocity. Your SYMPATHETIC friend says,'I know how it feels. I have been through worse... my bird, fish, frog all died at the same time.'
The sympathetic friend's intention: 'Just shut up. What do you know about PAIN? My life is more unfortunate than yours and therefore I have suffered more sorrow than what your wussy heart can endure.'
Situation: YOU just stepped out of your exam hall, looking blatantly pissed off. A CONCERNED coursemate approaches you and asks,'So, how was it??,' followed by a cheesy grin.
The concerned coursemate's intention: 'I know you did shit. And I did better than you. I want to hear that you screwed up the paper from YOUR own mouth.'
Situation: YOU never had a boyfriend/girlfriend. A HELPFUL friend gives you some handy advice,'I think you should lower your expectations....' (add 'lah' into the last bit for some Malaysian flavour.)
The helpful friend's intention: 'Go date any Tom, Dick and Harry off the street. You are not that special anyway.'
Situation: Your friend went to a formal ball and she wants to show you some photos taken that night. Before she hands you the photo album, followed by a MODEST comment,' Don't get a shock, yeah? I look very ugly that night.'
The modest friend's intention: 'I look absolutely dropdead gorgeous that night and I want to stun you by lowering your expectations before you see me in all my Oscar glory.'
(p.s: How the hell would you want to show or take any photos if you really thought you looked ugly that night??)
Situation: You are collecting your exam results from your tutor. Your results are awful, and your EMPATHETIC tutor makes a remark,'Despite blah blah...you have potential.'
The empathetic tutor's intention: 'You are not intelligent. I LIE (as well to 50 other students) just to give you a fake glimmer of hope to get you through your cursed degree. And don't forget to pay your tuition fees, too.'
Situation: YOU are mourning the death of your beloved hamster. You ring your good friend to whine on the atrocity. Your SYMPATHETIC friend says,'I know how it feels. I have been through worse... my bird, fish, frog all died at the same time.'
The sympathetic friend's intention: 'Just shut up. What do you know about PAIN? My life is more unfortunate than yours and therefore I have suffered more sorrow than what your wussy heart can endure.'
Situation: YOU just stepped out of your exam hall, looking blatantly pissed off. A CONCERNED coursemate approaches you and asks,'So, how was it??,' followed by a cheesy grin.
The concerned coursemate's intention: 'I know you did shit. And I did better than you. I want to hear that you screwed up the paper from YOUR own mouth.'
Situation: YOU never had a boyfriend/girlfriend. A HELPFUL friend gives you some handy advice,'I think you should lower your expectations....' (add 'lah' into the last bit for some Malaysian flavour.)
The helpful friend's intention: 'Go date any Tom, Dick and Harry off the street. You are not that special anyway.'
Situation: Your friend went to a formal ball and she wants to show you some photos taken that night. Before she hands you the photo album, followed by a MODEST comment,' Don't get a shock, yeah? I look very ugly that night.'
The modest friend's intention: 'I look absolutely dropdead gorgeous that night and I want to stun you by lowering your expectations before you see me in all my Oscar glory.'
(p.s: How the hell would you want to show or take any photos if you really thought you looked ugly that night??)
Situation: You are collecting your exam results from your tutor. Your results are awful, and your EMPATHETIC tutor makes a remark,'Despite blah blah...you have potential.'
The empathetic tutor's intention: 'You are not intelligent. I LIE (as well to 50 other students) just to give you a fake glimmer of hope to get you through your cursed degree. And don't forget to pay your tuition fees, too.'
PARALYSIS!
Still in bed. My neckache has left me partially paralysed. Despite my misfortune I still had my dose of 2Fast 2Furious in the city. Hell, I have never seen such wonderfully modified Nissans, Lancers, Fords etc. My favourite? A modified Renault with the car plate no. G8 SPY 
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