Wednesday, November 29, 2006

One Reason Why I Do Not Want to Leave Perugia


Crooning on my STEREO:
Sei Parte Di Me by ZERO ASSOLUTO

It's quite funny that when you are close to a crisis, God suddenly picks you up with a beautiful blessing that will make you think twice about throwing your life off the hill. This time last week, I was suffering from a chronic eating disorder that has been wrecking me every now and then, especially when I am down.

Very down.

I was down because I had PMS. I was down because I was told that I was fat. I was down because apart from all that alcohol, there wasn't really much to do. I was down because the weather was downright wintry. I was down because a group of trusted friends in Perugia turned their backs on me.

But such is life. Shit happens. When you tell yourself and everyone that everything is wonderful, it is actually not quite the case.

I know, it was the PMS getting to me. But it was also the time of the month when all that bottled-up insecurities start eating you.

My self esteem hit rock bottom. I was compared to the skinny, tiny girls of my race. I was surrounded by the blonde, leggy girls of the other race. And here I was; stubby, short and fat.

I've always been that way. I was blessed enough to be brought up with luxurious food. I was never hungry.

In my massive extended family of 30+ cousins, I am the least attractive of them all. Trust me, this is a family where skin and bones is considered beautiful and successful. I am obviously the loser of that race.

But you know, I have my immediate family who will never disown me no matter how fat and ugly I become. I have such wonderful girlfriends who will never laugh at the hideous size of my calves. I am so blessed in that way.

As you can tell, I am very insecure about my looks. I cannot help it. Blame it on the circumstances I trap myself in, in all my failed auditions to win an acting job as well as the men who have abused me.

Yes. I am confronting my past. It pains me to do so, but i know the day will come when i have to write about this.

I have only dated two men in my life. These are the rare times when I actually gave my heart to another living soul with such great expectations like a lovelorn puppy. In the end, I got nothing back from the two.

First one dumped me because I refused to spend the night with him. And commented that I wasn't fit.
Second one dumped me because he was getting popular with the M'sian crowd, and had two other anorexic girlfriends at the same time.

Both refused to hold my hand in public. And if the contact times are calculated properly, both relationships lasted less than a week.

Of course I was devastated. As both men were commercially attractive, I blame it upon myself on the fact that I was simply ugly. I poisoned my mind with so much of self hate that I found it almost impossible to fall in love. In a way to redeem myself, I diverted all that hopelessness in lusting over Sebastien from Il Divo. As well as binge-eating.

I told some close friends that I was taking a break in Perugia to escape and reevaluate. I did not come here to look for love. Of course, people expected me to come here to get laid by Totti lookalikes.

2 months have passed and the idea of picking up strangers just didn't seem lucrative to me. So I stuck to getting drunk and dancing to Bob Sinclair.

A man walked into my life 7 days ago, and has stayed eversince. For me, this is amazing. Simply because for the last seven days we have been inseparable.

Burdened by my insecurities, I expected him to leave me after 2 days but he didn't.

He came to me when I was ill, laid down beside me and made sure that I was okay. He covered me with a warm duvet when he realised that the temperature will be dropping to 0 degrees that night. He told me jokes so that I would look at him and smile.

Even if it meant a 30min walk in the cold across Perugia, he will still come and see me everyday. He isn't ashamed to introduce me to his friends, though he knows the whole of this little town. In the club, he will look out for me, and if a man ever harasses me while I am having fun, he'd claim me as his girlfriend.

He treats my friends with equal respect.

He walks me home to the door, come rain or shine. He cooks for me in his home, and made sure I was never hungry. He will fill the refrigerator with the food and we can both get drunk on champagne.
And the most beautiful thing he has ever said to me was,

'Lyn, please eat.'

It made me cry. This is because an ex-boyfriend actually starved me because he thought I was fat.

I feel loved. I have never felt this way before. Even if he leaves me tomorrow, I will be forever grateful for the last seven days.

As my buddy Jenn tells me,

'YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE.'

I think I am.

30 comments:

danyanova said...

Come whatever may Lyn. Just take in those moments and enjoy it, doll.

I have always thought you were attractive! What you on about being fat, woman!

Ah, I want to be in Italy again right now as I type and be in love too! ;)

Beer Brat said...

Reading this on a boring workday morning, really lighten up my morning. Gorgeous, you deserve every good thing.

Syat said...

Oh Darling, such a beautiful entry... ABOUT TIME YOU let somebody realise how beautiful you are! You know you're gorgeous.. tht's y you hv boys here dropping at your feet! I am glad however, that you now hv a good guy to take care of u. Enjoy it! Miss you bohsia!

vincent said...

Don't know if you remember, but we were talking about life experiences and stuffs the other day...

Well, this is one of them. Cherish it. It's awesome, no?

Miss Fern said...

You've got a brilliant sense of humour, stinging sarcasm and way above average intelligence.

Plus you're beautiful.

*Most* men immature and wouldn't know quality if it kicked them in the balls.

Take care, dearie.

Seng Boon said...

'Cousin', i;ve told you time and time again that you;re hot and i would have loved to date you if i had the chance, but i JUST COULDNT COMPETE WITH REIKONEN! I definitely wouldnt starve you coz i love my kebab meat with chips and garlic sauce too!

Kim said...

I read your blog but I have yet to comment on this.

But I'll just say this.

I'm happy for you. :)

Simple American said...

I am so glad you are in this trouble Mui. Ah. Big Hugs dearie.

And you are not a loser. Not even On the worst day of your life. Those jerks that dumped you and disrespected and shallow and have lost all chance for happiness in your life.

Barbie is not normal. You are. Be happy. Remain happy. Thats an order. ;)

sic6sense said...

I'm jealous. :)

funny this, lily and i the other day voted you the mostest gorgeous cam ho in the blogsphere.

Anonymous said...

Why stay when you can BRING HIM BACK HOME!!! And for the record, I think you're gorgeous too.

car@ said...

YAY my beautiful lYN!!! :-) I AM SOOO HAPPY for you babe!! can't you just bring him to Spain? sniff sniff...or maybe stay with him over xmas...enjoy all the moments with him . Life is great! and you are lovely and gorgeous! everyone LOVES YOU!!! you know what i think about you, we will speak when you come over
(if you come) jeje!! MUACKSSSSSS!!

lilyliverbird said...

Leng Loi,
You are NOT fat nor ugly. You are absolutely gorgeous. Even that Sicko thinks so.

Those two guys sound like right pratts. They must support MU or something.

Enjoy this guy. He sounds like a keeper.

stephanie said...

ure Drop Dead Gorgeous in each and every aspect imaginable you sei yann tauuuu hehehe those men who do not appreciate you are GAYYYYYYYY mothafuckas :) and jenn's right..you ARE in trouble...loverboy or steffie? bwahahaha just kidding bubby. I am truly TRULY happy for u, and i really cant wait to meet this man who's made u oh so happy! xx

p.s. you blog so frequently now that im having trouble keeping up :p

Mirebella said...

Babe - this post is both troubling and touching at the same time.

Its a shame that your past experiances with men have been plain shitty but you are better off without them - you are worth a 100X more than that ok - and dont you EVER let anyone say otherwise.

Be strong, be brave, chin up babes - all will be fine.

Mirebella said...

p/s: Am sure they werent MU supporters - mz be CHelski?

Yng Lyn said...

my dear friends, thanks a million for your wonderful comments. Its touching to know that you care and I appreciate it. I am proud to share this brief but beautiful life with all of you, and you're all in my hearts.

yeah, I am changed person. :) for the better i hope.

as for those two exes... one is a french male bimbo who only supports france in the world cup. I doubt he even knows what the EPL is.
the other supports charlton.

;) funny how football comes into play over here... haha!

Sabrina Adam said...

Hey Lyn, it's me Sabrina. Very nice entry!!! Enjoy it.

Whoever guy that says you fat, they don't deserve you, you are beautiful just they way you are ^.< Cheer up, ok?

The new guy in your life... gosh, he is SWEET! Hope to meet someone like him oneday. You are soooo LUCKY (Him too)!!!

Friend Stealer said...

Hey mamasan lyn, you ARE hot, too bad this italian meatball beat me to you... lol jk. Am happy for you, have as many wonderful moments as you can! :)

Yng Lyn said...

Sabrina: thanks hon!!! :) i hope things will work well for the next three weeks! :) hey's whats your blog url again?

casey: you have heaps of girls going for you, which is why I am your mamasan ;) hugs!

Rt Hon Sir Cipan Nougat-Tenuk said...

Waaaahhhh, got sitter now, eh?

Don't worry la Lynn. All gorgeous women think they are ugly.

Since u think u're ugly, therefore u must be gorgeous.

And ... we creamed those Spuds !!!!!

scorkes said...

Lyn mi amor,

I am going to smack you hard till your teeth drops out ..

cause that's what it takes for us women sometimes to realise that we are seldom as ugly as we think we are.

strange that when I first met you, I was thinking about how pretty I think you are ...

:)

Sherbear said...

You, my dear, are insane. I recall most clearly that when I first met you, I told your cousin you were hot, and I refered to you as 'Kevin's hot cousin Lyn'. So, please don't be ridiculous. After all, us short people have to stick together too! :p

Yng Lyn said...

rt hon aka. fellow gunner: hahah yess we creamed the spuds!!!

thanks.. :)

scorkes: i was downright admiring you when I saw you!! can belly dance somemore.... you're perfect my dear!!!!!

sher: YOU ARE SO HOT!!!!! i was smacking Kev on head.... my lord, YOU ARE HOT HOT HOT!!!
thanks babes.. we must party when I am back. short people must stick together.. LOL!

Jane said...

Did I tell you before that "The most beautiful place to be is in love"
and I meant it.... I'm getting engaged soon!

anttyk said...

Lyn,

This piece is really, really moving. I wish you all the happiness on earth.

Sir Cipan said...

Lyn,

U don't have to say the whole "Rt Hon" thing - dats just the "Yang Amat Berhormat" thingy, okay?

Gotta save yer lips and tongue for more important things, don't we ...?

:P

Yng Lyn said...

Jane: OH MY LORD!! YOU ARE GETTING ENGAGED!!!!!!! PHWOARRRRRR CONGRAT CONGRATSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS HUGS HUGS HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
You sooo have to tell me more on Yahoo!!
this is fabulous news!!!!

antyyk: thanks.. very sweet of you. Wishing you likewise :)

Sir cipan: i think i'd refer to you as gunner fan from now on.

yeah, my tongue and mouth have been very busy at work... ;)

Jane said...

Yay..hehe... can't wait to tell you more about it! ;-)

Hamburger said...

My pork dumpling bun, you have to be the hotttest, sweetest and kindest chick I have ever met. I never really imagined that you saw yourself that way and had all these insecurities when all I see is this gorgeous gal, both inside out. Truly. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
I can't wait to see you back in KL and we can do our porkie dishes and fries and mayo! :) Counting the days babe.

Yng Lyn said...

my dear hamburger!!!! i miss you so much!! thanks for your encouragement and love.. will always treasure it!! we can stock up on the usual pigging sessions k??? love yaaaaaaaaa and see you on January 1st!!! hugsssssssss