My Big Fat Greek Adventure Part 3

Panathinaikos FC Stadium Part 2
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Boys and Girls by BLUR

It SUCKS being single and a football enthusiast. It SUCKS being a FEMALE supporter. It SUCKS when you look obviously like a TOURIST checking out foreign soccer grounds.

Thus I am referring to my lone adventure to Panathinaikos FC STADIUM in Athens. I know shits about this team, I can't even name 5 players in the first team. But because I hear about them so constantly in UEFA, I felt obligated to check out their grounds.*

LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT IT WAS LOCATED IN A NON-TOURIST AREA.

I am speaking about a residential precinct beautifully influenced by Britain's MILE END**. Greek Version that is.

So one sunny morning, I hopped onto the Metro to a remote stop called AMBELOKIPI. With a city map in my hands I was wandering around the area like a lost sheep. There were no other tourists so I obviously stood out as an estranged chink tresspassing alien property. Locals were gawking at me like wolves.

Suddenly a dodgy looking bloke on a scooter TRAILED me.

FUCK!!! I THOUGHT.... I SENSE TROUBLE... TROUBLE... TROUBLE....

He stopped. I stopped.

Speaking in horrendous English he confessed he had been stalking me since I got out of the station.

DAMN. I THOUGHT. I AM A VICTIM..VICTIM...VICTIM...

I decided to be honest. I said I couldn't find the footie stadium. (I really expected him to club me with his helmet.. ) God willing he gave me the right directions and I found my way there within seconds.

BUT SHIT.

THE STADIUM WAS THE UGLIEST PIECE OF CONCRETE I HAVE EVER SEEN.

Like, fuck, it looked worst than a third world training pit. Graffiti, rotting cement, and lambasted walls... Its as though someone fired the place with a canon. I took 30seconds to get some quick snaps before another stalker decides to run me down.

See? I told you it downright SUCKS to be a single female footie fan. No hunky boyfriend to escort and protect you from foreign wolves.

For the past god-knows-how-many years I've been doing this shit ALONE. PAHHHH!!!!!

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* This is a custom for all my European travels, visit every goddamn stadium. Panathinaikos wasted my precious 2 Euros on the metro...dont expect it to look like Nou Camp.

** If you live in London, you may realise that Mile End is not quite a lovely place to hang around unless you wish to be gnawed.

My Big Fat Greek Adventure Part 2

Crooning on my STEREO: Time After Time by CYNDI LAUPER

Despite missing out on a potential Greek fling, I met the MAN OF MY FANTASIES immortalised in the form of STONE....


Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to

The 17 year old ANTINOUS

As you can tell from his girly name, ANTINOUS is GAY. He shares a BED with EMPEROR HADRIAN who is god-knows- 20-years his senior. Yeah, they SLEEP TOGETHER. A SAGGY OLD MAN in LOVE with a VIRGINAL YOUNG MAN.

HOO-HAH

Anyway, I don't give a damn if they're more gay than Elton John.
The point is:
ANTINOUS IS FUCKING HOT.
I must salute Emperor Hadrian (despite his paedophillic motive) for his BLOODY GOOD TASTE. Even Michael Jackson doesn't kidnap halfway decent looking boys into Neverland.

Check out his bum.

Agree?

Bloody well built for an adolescent boy. Apparently he flexes his muscles consistently at the ancient Roman gynasium* (obviously now in ruins.... but how I YEARN to go back in time ). According to some rather poetic sources, his wavy and gladiator-esque hair is NATURAL.
No WAXING, NO BUFFING, NO SILLICON IMPLANTS, NO CLOTHES, NO Y-FRONTS.... NOTHING.**
NADA.


HE JUST LOOKS B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L

Truth is, this boy must have been quite a HOTTIE HUNK in order to have his pretty face modelled into 100s of 'sex toys' (aka. Roman sculptures) adorning Emperor Hadrian's vast empire. Courtesy of his generous sugar daddy, he even has a CITY named after him.

How cool is that?

It only gets better: ANTINOUS IS A RELIGION***(You can still worship him TODAY. E-mail me for the cult address) Just when I thought that I was the QUEEN of 'BOY PIN-UP' obssession, that old man Hadrian beats me hands down.


That's it.
I've lost salvation in mortal men.****

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* Thought you might want to know that ancient athletes used to work their muscles without any clothes on, like, totally NAKED.

** Ma Mere's LOUIS GARREL was my favourite male nude until I 'met' ANTINOUS last week.

*** Before you cringe, a rather obssessive and deluded Emperor Hadrian believed that anyone who drowned in the Nile (which was eventually Antinous' fate) would be proclaimed a GOD. It is still a mystery as to how this sexy little boy ended up in the river...
(A new version revealed that a certain Señorita Lyn had a tussle with Emperor Hadrian over Antinous at the scene of the accident......but just as Antinous realised that he himself MAY as well be heterosexual.......)

**** Since NO mortal man is interested in me anyway.

My Big Fat Greek Adventure Part 1

Mycenae, Greece
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Angel de La Noche by DAVID BISBAL

For those who wondered if I've been mauled by lions last week, I was actually dwelling in (what was once) the cradle of civilisation- GREECE.

I was based in Athens and travelled out to the usual areas of Delphi, Mycenae and northern Peloponese. (Bet my spelling is wrong) Stayed with a bunch of rock stars in a 4-star hotel located in a red light district area of Athens.

For the past 6 days I was climbing hills, trotting on ruins and hallucinating over what the Greek Gods ACTUALLY looked like. I came to a conclusion that POSEIDON was a merman and APOLLO was gay. (I will write a separate post on this.)

In comparison to the summer-less British weather, Greece was a barbeque pit. I acquired a hideous tan and my nose was burnt.

Flew on the Hungarian Airlines- MALEV- and had to transit for two hours in Budapest that is arguably the MOST BORING airport in Europe. Shops were scant, food was scarce and people were... scary. My advice? Avoid this godforsaken place if you can.

Despite the MALEV'S reasonable airfares, I must warn you that the flights' LANDINGS are no better than a crash landing practice. I had to sit through FOUR of those turbulent landings... three of which I was close to GAGGING OUT MY DIGESTIVES.

As you can sense I am pretty exhausted.

Nevertheless it was an excellent trip because I've learnt some important things:

1) It is VERY possible to fall in love with a stone sculpture
2) You can pass off as a Greek by putting a pair of shades on.
3) Never wear flip flops when climbing up to the Parthenon.
4) It is sexy to be hairy.
5) Heavy Metal still dominates certain parts of the world.
6) British Immigration Officers are bastards.

And other miscellaneous stuff which I will blog about later. I am still jetlagged and knackered.

Off to bed now but who would have guessed that I saw GAEL GARCIA BERNAL in flesh and blood barely three hours ago.......

I am outta here.........

Crooning on my STEREO: Satellite by SANTANA feat JORGE MORENO
Dear Diary,
I hath sinn'd. TWICE within a single week.

First of all I barged into a travel agency. I asked the bugger over the counter,

'I need to get out of this shithole, like, NOW. Wheres the cheapest?'

Bugger looked at his computer. Kept me waiting for god knows 20mins.
He finally muttered,
'Hellenistic Republic, flying this Wednesday for $$$* '

I reached for my wallet and flashed my credit card.
---------
Second Sin took place on Monday morning.

Checked the Arsenal website. Saw a pic of Thierry Henry modeling a fucking ugly BLACKCURRENT** jersey that those stupid monkeys are going to wear next season.

"ORDER YOUR NEW ARSENAL KIT NOW AND GET A FREE HIGHBURY WRISTBAND!!!!!"

I clicked on ORDER. I added an engraving of "REYES 9" on the stupid RIBENA-inspired jersey for an additional 6quid.***

The TOTAL COST? Equivalent to a damned return train ticket (without a fucking railcard) to the Midlands. Thank God I wasn't lured into buying the advertised pair of matching blackcurrent socks.

I reached for my wallet and flashed my credit card.

Diary, I hope I have cleared my blinding sins by confessing to you. Saves me a tube ticket to St Paul's. I am flying off to Poseidon's Temple in such short notice (aka. 26 hours) that I realised I may need to buy disposable underwear along the way.

Anyway, shortly after sacrificing a day's wages for my supposedly BIRTHDAY JERSEY, a Highbury insider informed me that

Arsenal is SWAPPING REYES FOR OWEN.

Now that's a problem. No refunds, innit. So diary, what should I do?
Should I apply for some form of pension in a week's time?

Lots of love and hatred,
Lyn xxx
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* My retarded keyboard wont do the pound sign, so it will have to do with the dollar sign.

** Some argue that the jersey's colour is REDCURRENT rather than BLACKCURRENT. I don't give a damn cos they're both such dead ugly colours anyway.

*** 6 quid is my hourly pay as a stupid waitress who feigns a variety of illnesses in order to get the male staff to carry wine bottles for her.

Footballer's Wives Withdrawal Symptom.

Crooning on my STEREO: Dragonstea Din Tei by O-ZONE

When I grow up, I want to be just like these WOMEN.





I think I've got a fucking long way to go......

I am holier than thou

One of the Harry Potter guys.
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO:Estranged by GUNS N ROSES

Since my weekend was spent loitering around on a feature film set with an ex-Harry Potter actor, I couldnt think of anything worthwhile to blog.
I was however, by a matter of vengance, tagged by VINCENT with the 'I am Holier than Thou Baton.'

TODAY, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR FILL OF MY RUBBISH!

LAST BLOG I READ WAS :
MUSINGS OF AN ERRATIC MIND

I THINK MY BLOG IS WAY BETTER THAN THAT BLOG ABOVE BECAUSE:
Because I am TECHNICALLY SINGLE and Steph the blogger is NOT! (Marital status doesn't make a frigging difference but i am just stuck with nothing else to say)

IMO, THE BEST ENTRY I HAVE EVER BLOGGED IS :
I have TWO favourite entries. The first one is 10 PESTS METAPHORS because it actually SMACKED some civillians in the FACE.
The second one is MI HERMANA because it is dedicated to my sister. Also fascinates me how the half of you lot did not get the jokes.

FIVE BLOGS THAT MAY BE BETTER THAN MINE :
(Diplomatic disclaimer: Every blog linked to my site is of a certain extraterrestial/worthy quality, but since I only have five spaces on this bit I will handpick the blogs I've been stalking and reading since prehistoric times.)

VINCENT: He virtually never fails to crack me up. Possibly the only MANCHESTER UNITED FAN with a respectable amount of WIT and BRAINS.

PIP : My transatlantic blog buddy who writes well with a sarcastic view of all things ordinary and extraordinary.

NEIL GAIMAN: simply because he is a GENIUS and he has foreseen my alter ego (Delirium) immortalised in the lengendary Sandman Comics.

DODDERED: An employed graduate with immense writing talent and an unconventional sense of humour.... marred by the ONLY FLAW OF NOT UPDATING HER BLOG!!!!!!!!

CHASING RAINBOWS: The diary of an honest and wretched soul who took her own life before I could reach my hand out to her.

I KNOW MY READERS ARE ADDICTED TO MY BLOG BECAUSE :
Addicted? what BOLLOCKS.
If there any "LYN ADDICTS" they are probably those who enjoy catching up on a LOSER'S life in order to feel good about themselves.

I confess I do point my gun at people's heads from time to time to maintain my blog's dignity.

I PASS THIS TO :
EYERIS Because he tagged me the last time round and I'd like to see his 'perasan' side.

KUNSTEMAECKER Not simply because he's an excellent blogger.... it is also my evil plan to contribute to his daily workload!

SUEF because I previously tagged her at a pretty awkward time but now that her exams are over.....

This Simple Life

Machu y Picchu
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Feel Good Inc by GORRILAZ

I have freaky premonition that I may be turning my blog into a RANT BOARD.

This sucks because it can be (potentially) a symptom or the demise of my CAREFREE approach to life. If you read my EARLIER blogs, there were less traces of MANIC ANGER and PITIFUL COMPLAINTS. In fact, people actually enjoyed my positive bimbotic humour.

That's right, you LUCKY READERS. You are going to endure my RANTS today. (AGAIN!)*

My current position in life is such; I will graduate with a Masters in FILM STUDIES in SEPTEMBER. I will LEAVE ENGLAND for GOOD in SEPTEMBER.** I will leave EUROPE in OCTOBER.

No, it doesn't sound bad at all. Especially when you're one of those prodigal students with a predicted distinction in an Asian-unfriendly qualification, I have every reason to lick myself.

As a technically single 21 year old Indie Actress/ Tate Britain Waitress/ Published Poet/ Chubby Body Campaigner/ Drama School Dropout/ Casualty Model... onlookers will argue that my future is BRIGHT.

But my Future is rather Orange

Today I learnt that a fame-driven Malaysian Chinese friend of mine is recruited into a TOP Malaysian Casting Agency. She CAN'T ACT FOR SHIT.

Really. I SWEAR.

I saw her promotional material and she convinced me that I AM POSSESSED by JUDI DENCH.

The difference between me and her is that, she is a GLAMOUR MODEL. She's as tall as your ceiling, skeletal thin, squinty eyes and snowy pale. In terms of acting experience, she has NOTHING but an egg on her head.

You've guessed it... I am BITTER.

I am bitter because I have godzillions of film experiences under my belt but I am crippled by my physical inadequecies set by the industry standards.

Truth is, the entire industry is MESSED.

After October 2005, I will be SUBMERGING myself into that MESS. I will be working for GLOATING PIGS who will pay me peanuts. Malaysia is particularly worse because they lack both ARTISTRY and MODESTY.

In other words, I will be wrestling against a STUNTED ARROGANT INDUSTRY.

This sudden realization scared the living daylights out of me....
Who gives a damn if I'm an expert in Julio Medem, Fellini or Pasolini?

Oh well.. Oh well.....

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*I was supposed to have a walk-on part on a feature film tommorrow but I was let down because the stupid director got my e-mail address wrong. DUMB OR WHAT???

**If you're wondering why I am leaving London in the first place that's because survival expenses in Britain will milk my expenditure. At least I don't have to pay rent at home... *wink wink*

***Looking at pictures of my dogs dilutes my hysterias. These animals mirror the simplicities of life which I've been missing out on..... BIG TIME.