Of All MEN and MICE.

Mourinho
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO:
Mockingbird by EMINEM

Today I went to the LONDON ZOO. Gave up 12quid to SPOT animals hidden in bushes.

Yesterday I hung out at KNIGHTSBRIDGE. It was so fucking crowded with tourists and Paris Hilton gone-wrong(s) that my poor eyes cried out for salvation.

The day before yesterday I HARRASED my thesis supervisor. We were more concerned about the weather than the actual content of my dissertation.

The day before the day before yesterday, I watched the infamous CHAMPION’S LEAGUE FINAL. Surprisingly it did NOT FRUSTRATE me. It implanted my puny brain with a serious DELUSION of DIVINE INTERVENTION .

The day before the day before the day before yesterday I watched a telly special on JOSE MOURINHO:

DAMN, HE IS MASOCHISTICALLY HOT.

LYN'S AFTER-THOUGHT: "EEERRRRRrrrrrrRRR...... Who the FUCK is JOSE MOURINHO??!!?!?!?!?!? *scratch* *scratch*
What did I just SAY?!?!? eeeRRrrrrrrrrRRrrr..."

One step to Recovery.

That Thing We Do- Film Poster
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Wake Me Up When September Ends by GREEN DAY

I did it.
I left my acting class.

Took me a HELL lot of contemplation. Yesterday evening I finally dragged my ass off my chair and DID SOMETHING to end my misery.

Don't worry, I did not run to toxic, pills or knives this time around,

I picked up the PHONE for a change.

Well Done LYN. It's now OVER and DONE with. Till August at least.

Now its time to switch the focus onto my dissertation dedicated to Julio Medem. A few months from now, I will return to España to STALK him and to get my essay PUBLISHED.*

I guess its time to take a break from whoring my soul to the industry.

At the end of the day my brains were WRECKED beyond recognition. It got worst after I watched CELEBRITY LOVE ISLAND on telly...

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* Only a 50/50 chance of getting it published unless Sight & Sound decides to exploit new talents on a charity basis.

** Thanks to Kris, the director of That Thing We Do, she mailed me a copy of the film poster on the right... how cool is that!! :D

The LONGEST Soccer Match and the LONGEST Eurovision.

Crooning on my STEREO: Formula One V10 Engines by KIMI RAIKKONEN.
Good news: The "DEPRESSED LYN-SAGA" is officially over. I got rather sick of fishing for sympathy.*

You all expect me to POP champagne and CELEBRATE.

Frankly, yesterday's FA Cup Final was the MOST AGONISING match I've ever watched in my life. Not only was it frigging LONG and PISSING OFF. I had to ENDURE two hours witnessing UGLY BEASTS OUTPLAYING GORGEOUS MEN.

Trust me, that is something REAL HARD for ME to do.

First of all, ARSENAL was S.H.I.T beyond belief. By the 42nd minute, I was already ON MY KNEES BEGGING for a MAN UTD GOAL** so as to end my MISERY of watching my team skip around the field rather than PLAY REAL FOOTIE. Arsenal played shit. FULL STOP.
Secondly, JENS LEHMANN kicked ASS. That SUCKS because Arsenal will have aboslultely NO EXCUSE to buy IKER CASILLAS from Real Madrid.
Last but but NOT grudgingly least, JOSE ANTONIO REYES WAS SENT OFF FOR A FOUL ON CHRISTIANO RONALDO out of the 11 beasts to choose from. He could have tripped him to DEATH for all I care.

Yes. You're seeing what I'm seeing...
A few hours later, I watched the 50th EUROVISION FINALS.
Another worthwhile contribution to my migraine, this was another FREAKING LONG affair. I've been following this song contest for 4 YEARS and every year it gets more RIDICULOUS. In a hilarious way, I mean, or else i wouldn't follow it. However this year felt particularly draggy because it was, quite simply, crap. Many joked that they should rename the show BALKANVISION SONG CONTEST since 70% of the entrants represented Balkan states.
This year, 95% of the contestants were WOMEN with PUSH UP BRAS. 50% of the songs SOUNDED THE SAME. I wonder if they were all written by the same songwriter. If you listened carefully, you might have noticed that most of the entries' lyrics contained words like 'Fire' and 'Desire'.. (corny). Mountain music was regarded a sure-winner for this year's contest... think Holly Vallance's remake of KISS KISS with fastbeat jungle percussion and manic sitars, APPRERENTLY PEOPLE WILL VOTE FOR YOU. Its supposed to be CATCHY. Costumes aren't cheesy anymore. Everyone (including the men) was going for SKiMPY and SUFFOCATING LYCRA to win your votes.

The Norwegian entry painstakingly STOOD OUT. I almost PASSED OUT as soon as I saw GLAM ROCKERS climbing onto the stage....

GREECE WON

Tires me to explain further.

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Footnotes
*Well my moods are improving... but working on a film project with some wonderful people this weekend did lift me up... thanks to Kris, Vivianne and Caroline, you guys were fab!

**To Man U fans: ME PRAISING FERGUSON'S ANIMAL FARM is as RARE as me wandering in obscure tube stations with a RED TYPEWRITER. Better savour this MIRACULOUS moment while it lasts..... and yes, I DID walk around with a TYPEWRTER, it was bizarre but fun in a Buñuel way!!!

Crawling Back.....

Crooning on my STEREO: Lonely by AKON

It has been painful.
Too often have I woken up to reclaim (again and again) that my existence bears no purpose in this world.

But I am getting BETTER

And it is all thanks to every single one of you who left messages on my blog, my phone, my e-mail or at the very least greeted me with a simple 'Hi' on MSN.

Really, all these gestures mean a HELL LOT to me. Something assures me that you all care for me.

I don't care how much, because it is up to you. But the great news (to me) is that at least I crossed your minds.

And that itself is A BLESSING.

What scared me the most is that FRIENDS who claim(ed) to care simply VANISHED.
God knows where they all went.
To HELL I suppose.
Or they try to enrapture me with excuses that they have their own shit to deal with.

Whatever it is,I survived.
My chemical imbalance could have ended everything sometime last week.

After receiving therapeutic calls from home everyday,
I realised that IT ISN'T SO BAD after all.
All I need is a doctor.

And those of you who CARE.

Give me a few days, a Victory for Arsenal, a Victory for Spain at the Eurovision... and I will be just FINE.

Thanks so much to the handful of you who left messages on the last post, spoke to my over the phone and last but not least, My Mum who has been there for me.
God bless you all.

PISSED

Crooning on my STEREO: Lucky by BRITNEY SPEARS

Yeah you've guessed it, I am FUCKING PISSED OFF TODAY.

3 hours ago, my acting teacher threatened to KICK me OUT of drama school.

He said that I've learnt nothing but SHIT in the last god-knows-how-many-months.

Apparently I am LIFELESS.

Apparently I have SWITCHED OFF.

Maybe he was RIGHT.

I can't fucking help it if I have spent the last 3 fucking weeks writing out 12,000 worth of shit to complete 75% of my fucking expensive degree in this fucking expensive country.

I cant fucking help it if I've spent the entire month indulging in self annihilation and SELF PITY.
It doesn't fucking help when I've drowned my pillow the night before and WAKE UP to endure ACCUSATIONS straight to MY FACE the very next MORNING.

CAN'T HELP IT IF I HAVE TO WORK MY ASS OFF AT SERVING CHAMPAGNE TO FAT VIP PIGS EVERY FUCKING WEEK

SLOG MY ASS OFF DAY AND NIGHT JUST TO MAKE SURE I JUSTIFY MY so-called 'USELESS' DEGREE.

PRETENDING THAT EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT EVENTHOUGH EVERYTHING IS SUCH A DOWNRIGHT HIDEOUS MESS

LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
ENDURING OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT.

Good thing I discovered font size HTML.

Death at Tottenham Court Road, Part 2.

Me, Myself and I
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Amor Divino by CAFE TACUBA

People tell me I've got a common face. I didn't quite believe them until today.

I was walking towards KFC to get some dinner. So I plugged in my Ipod and walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked.

I was crossing the pedestrian at Tottenham Court Road when some BLOKE grabbed me on the back and jumped on me.

FUCK, I told myself.. I WILL BE ROBBED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!!!!!!!
(fear didn't overwhelm me because I barely had 6 quid in my wallet...)

Anyway, I am not the screaming type, so it was a silent affair. But I was carrying a 70kg man on my back, so I had to improvise and fall to the ground before my spine cracks. Strangely though, there wasn't much violence.....so I thought, maybe this could be a long lost friend who had decided to stalk and surprise me......

After managing to rid him off my back, my attacker was a bespectacled boy with a BARCELONA FC strip on.

We both looked at each other in HORROR.

HE THOUGHT I WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND.

He was so apologetic. I don't blame him, bet he must be shit embarassed. I resumed my journey to KFC and limped home after that. Stupid accident got me bruises.

Let's be optimistic, at least I was physically LOVED for 10 seconds...

So much pain for something I was desperately lacking for the past 2 weeks.
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** Back to the 'common face' theory: this is not the first time I've been mistaken for some other idiot. Every 2 outta 5 friends claimed that they've spotted my identical twin somewhere in this world, and every 3 outta 5 people I meet tell me they've seen me somewhere before.
Not that I am FAMOUS, ( altho' I madly wish I am for the right reasons...) it is just that I resemble an unfortunate percentage of the world's population so I may opt for EXTREME MAKEOVER to gain some individuality.

Lyn's Q&A.... THE ANSWERS!!!!!!!

Crooning on my STEREO: I'd Be Surprisingly Good For You by MADONNA

I've had another breakdown recently, (which is becoming a norm) so apologies on my part for the DELAY....
HERE ARE (FINALLY) THE ANSWERS TO ALL YOUR QUESTIONS!!!!!!

Anonymous asked...
What is your shoe size? ;)
UK 5, thank you.
The sole of my shoes came off in the middle of Tottenham Court Road this morning...... so I want my MANOLOs NOW!!!!!!!!!!

John said...
I have had a pigeon shit on my head three times in my life; and on each occassion I felt shit (quite literally). My question is: Have you ever ridden a horse without the saddle and; what's wrong with Chinese guys (I must remind those who are reading that I AM NOT CHINESE.)
No, I've never attempted riding a horse without a saddle. And no, there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with Chinese guys cos YOU are NOT chinese!!!!

P.S. Would you date Lampard if his name was Jean-Luc Derac and came from Normandy?
Nahhhhhhh,,,,, you know how much I LOOOOOOOVE FRANK LAMPARD. His COCKNEY accent turns me ON........... (I told you several times before, innit?)

P.P.S. Why are single mothers single?
God knows. This is a free world.

P.P.P.S. Malaysia is void of culture. Discuss.
Go to http://kakiseni.com and see for yourself.

God said...
I am God. This is my question. Are you greater than me?
OF COURSE!!! I'm sure you created me for a reason.

Anonymous asked...
Are you considered posh in Malaysia?
Nope, I am a professional scrounger back home. Such is life.

Anonymous asked...
Are you smarter than your sister? Are you better looking that your sister? If you and your sister were to have a fight, who would prevail? When you were younger did you use to kick each other and burn each other's clothes?
My sister is a genius. She is thinner, fairer and less trashy than me. If we were to have a fight she'd certainly kick my ass. And no, we didn't play with fire when little. We played with knives.....

Anonymous said..
What is visual culture?
Visual culture is a prestigious joint honors degree catered for REAL thinkers and the descendants of Raphael.

Fintan asked...
Are you married?
I am afraid so. However, if you could grant me an immediate doctorate i may alter my present status.

Noah asked...
If you were an animal, which animal would you be?
I'd be a bassett hound. Dogs have it much easier these days.

Anonymous asked...
What is the best way of dumping someone?
from someone who needs to dump someone
You know, the best way is to tell them that you're manic depressive and by looking at his/her face will instigate your attempts at suicide.
80% success rate.

Mike the Magician asked...
can do any tricks?
Yes, I can do a David Blaine.. get me a glass container and suspend it over the Big Ben. See you in three days!

Rubeboi said...
Yoo yoo wassup.. i is well bad... wassup... me queschun eesssss why is u sooo bling?
Yoo yoo wassupp, me is soooo bling cos me brovaz hang gun in da hoooood..... dark child dark child... Be-yon-sayyyy is mee sista and me bling from Clairezz Accessooorrieezz....

My bestest friend asked...
Who do you fancy? kekeke
Iker Casillas, Jose Antonio Reyes, Cesc Fabregas, Fernando Morientes, Kaka, Paolo Maldini, Thierry Henry, Frank Lampard, Alessandro Nesta, Raul, Vincente, Pablo Aimar, Adrian Mutu, Franco Citti, David Bisbal, Diego Luna, Arsenie Toderras, Gael Garcia Bernal, Caravaggio and that French dude from IL Divo.

Cajones asked...
have you ever picked your nose and flicked the bogey at or in the direction of someone?
15 years ago... perhaps? I might have even eaten it!!!

Anonymous asked...
SEX or LADYBOY?
SEX, you DINGBAT!!!!

vincent asked...
1) Would you prefer to shag Ruud van Nistelrooy or Wayne Rooney?
Ruud Van Nistelrooy. So that I can brag that I've bedded a Dutch DONKEY. That's a feat y'know. Anyway he's so DUMB he probably wouldn't know whats a shag anyway.... so I can get away with it.
*PUKE*

2) If Casillas AND Reyes go to Manyoo, would you support them?
I KNEW YOU WOULD ASK THIS......
NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN... NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO
If that happens..... I will shift my loyalty to AC MILAN and SWEAR NEVER to look at REYES and CASILLAS ever again in my life!!!! Fuck..... it better NOT HAPPEN... ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

eyeris asked...
1) Would you go out with a Man Utd supporter who just happens to be the perfect man of your dreams? :)
Nooo , noooo, noooo.... any Man Utd supporter is certainly wiped out from my wish list..... unless he resembles REYES, ermm... hold on.....DAMN, you caught me there.....

2) Would you do a full frontal nude scene in a movie? If no, then what about if it turned out to be the biggest break of your acting career and you know you'd hit the big time after that role?
If I do flash my naked body in front of ANYBODY (let alone a film camera) it will DEFINITELY spell the ultimate DESTRUCTION of my CAREER..... My agent will flip, my stylist will shoot himself and my photographer will throw himself off a mountain.

Yeah. I am THAT hideous...

3) Given a chance, which celebrity would you like to sleep with, and what would you like to do to him? :)
Gael Garcia Bernal, I'd get him drunk and spend the entire night STARING at him.
Oh yeah, I'll make him recite his lines from El Crimen del Padre Amaro to me........ SWOOOONNNNNNNN....

Suef asked...
WHATS YOUR LONDON ADDRESSS???? ;) heh.
Its 47, Fitzroy St., Fitzrovia, adjacent to Euston Road, 1min walk from Warren St. Station, 3 tube stops from Highbury, 5mins walk from UCL, 2mins walk from Great Portland St., 2 mins walk to Regent's Park, 1 tube stop from Oxford Circus, 30mins walk to Camden Market...........

Anonymous asked...
Have you ever done a wet fart?
I wish I had but never had the guts to.

Anonymous asked...
What is your purpose in life?
To CRY.
as well as to fill up the global population quota.... damnnit.

Anonymous asked...
What is my purpose in life?
Your purpose in life is to listen to me whinge, wail and rant.
And to WORSHIP me when I become LEGENDARY.

I hate to say this but it's the truth.

Anonymous asked...
If you were to serenade me with a romantic poem, what would it be?
Romeo Romeo Where Art Thou?
Below the balcony milking the Cow,
Romeo Romeo I love thee
I'd been stalking thee since you were three.
Romeo Romeo will you marry me?
I know you cannot resist t'is divine me.....

Anonymous asked...
Who's better looking: J-Lo or Beyonce?
J- Lo cos we share the same clothes and butt size, same tan, same crap acting talent...
And she stole MARC ANTHONY from me.
Lucky Biatch.....

eyeris said...
This is the tabloid reporter in me talking:
1) If you were to be caught having sex outdoors with any cebrity, who would it be?
It would be Iker Casillas cos I reckon I'd be more famous than Rebecca Loos and score more acting jobs courtesy of News Of The World.

2) How high do you think you would rank in the FHM Top 100 Sexiest women in the world poll?
FIFTH. With my virtuosity I will allow J.Lo, Beyonce, Catherine Zeta Jones and Monica Bellucci to top the list.
As long as I beat Keira Knightley, Scarlett Johansson and Zhang ZiYi... thats all.

3) What's the thrashiest outfit you've ever worn?
A bling tube top and a EastEnd denim miniskirt to a CHRISTIAN X'mas Party in a CHURCH. I swear I was misinformed and I felt like a total whore awaiting her repentance on holy grounds....

4) ok, gun to head time: WHICH is better, STAR WARS or LORD OF THE RINGS?!?!?!?!!?! :)
Man..... I hate to break yer heart but it would have to be... LORD OF THE RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
No offence but Yoda who holds the worst command of English Grammar in the history of film....'Obi Wan, I see....' This is so bad for my mental health!

Shoot Me, Eyeris!!!!!!!!! Puuuuuhhhhllleeeessseeeeeeeeee! I'm begging ya!!!!!!! :(

Mi Cariño asked...
what is it like to spend a weekend with you?
Honestly, at this point of my life..... it will just be beer, football, McDs, Microsoft Word, British Film Institute, reciting amateur scripts and crying on the phone.
Forgive me, I've recently lost all sense of enthusiasm and adventure.. sigh.

can a guy ever meet your casillas and reyes ideal guy requirements,
if so, how?
Casillas and Reyes aren't perfect, they're just torches in my bleak passage of existence. Anyone who can convince me entirely that life is worth living is godsent, and only God knows when he will walk into my life. Or is he already there?
(I'm a converted fan of cheesy rhetorical questions, so just ignore me..)

if you ever meet the love of your life(reyes or casillas, or a look a like) what will you say to them person?
If I meet Reyes or Casillas in flesh and blood........ I may COLLAPSE and DIE before I could say anything!!
Such a waste, I know.

stephanie said...
Here's the million dollar question (think before you answer):
Who do u love most? Me or Jose Reyes? :p bwahaha
Hahaahah... I love you Stef!!!
Do I inherit a million dollars for saying that??? ;) Nah I don't love Reyes cos he doesn't love meeeeee :(

Haf you ever gotten so seriously angry at anything/one that you wanna rip them apart and mesh em into goo and stomp on the pulp?
Truth is, I've never been soooo pissed off at a person as much as myself. If I wanna rip someone apart, it would have to be ME. I will question my intolerance, patience and lack of sympathy towards this pathetic world... if i can't forgive the world for its stupidity, I would have failed as a human. Therefore, ripping myself apart would be good for awakening my conscience... (*possessed by Rosellini*)

Why on earth are you finishing so fast?!!!! >.<
Cos I bribed the university registrar, threatened the dean and blackmailed the tertiary industry....
Man, I'm GOOD.
I should consider a marriage proposal from a Sicilian Mafia.

Anonymous said...
Three men walk into a bar that you're in. One has an eye-patch and a parrot on his shoulder; one cannot stop twitching every five seconds; and one cannot say anything without rapping. Which of these men are you likely to talk to and why?
I would go for the PIRATE. He could be Johnny Depp in disguise and I love animals, so having a parrot on your shoulder is a plus! As for the Twitcher, it will certainly piss the hell outta me cos eye-twitching is a downright distracting habit. NO NO.... As for the rapper, I will have problems deciphering his thoughts, I mean, for goodness sake... I don't even know what Eminem's been waffling over for the past 3 years!!! (something to do with his estranged wife and george bush?)

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WOW! Answering your heartfelt questions took me over AN HOUR!!!! THANKS A MILLION for all your curiosities and it was good therapy pondering over such tabloid attacks, this is worthwhile training for any Fellini's child!!!Thanks once again, because for the first time in weeks, I managed a sincere smile....

Life's tough,
No wonder Kurt Cobain took his own life.

TAGGED!!!!!

Crooning on my STEREO: Your Mother's Got a Penis by GOLDIE LOOKIN' CHAINS

Don't fret, all your ridiculous QUESTIONS from the previous entry will be answered in THREE DAYS time. In the meantime, keep them coming in....
-----------------------------------
I've been tagged by good ol' EYERIS so I've gotta choose 5 outta the list of occupations below and explain what I'm gonna do with my chosen professions......

If I could be a WRITER.....I'm gonna write endlessly about MY LIFE and MAKE the whole world read my books.

If I could be a PHOTOGRAPHER...I'd ONLY photograph IKER CASILLAS heads in and heads out. Voyeurism is no sin, INNIT???

If I could be a MOVIE PRODUCER....I'd produce a film on MANCHESTER UNITED'S LOCKER ROOMS outlining the dodgy antics their players are up to..... eg. chucking shoes at each other.

If I could be a PSYCHOLOGIST.... there'd be more SANE people in this world. And more people who'd complain LESS.

If I could be PARIS HILTON'S STYLIST... I'd nick her credit cards, rob her wardrobe and marry her father.
-----------------------------

Okay, I had to choose 3 people to choose 5 occupations from below and do the same I just did......(just like a bloody chain letter) I hate to do this but I'd hate to be a spoilsport. So the LUCKY final three are:

STEF cos she's got such a candid view of life that its worth noting what rubbish she's got to say....MUAHAHA
SUE FERN cos she's my beloved neighbour (whom I never see) from home and I know she's dead stressed so I'm going to add a little more weight onto her burdens.......
VINCENT I know he'd stay away from this but its worth trying cos he's got the best sense of humour........

• If I could be a scientist…
• If I could be a farmer…
• If I could be a musician…
• If I could be a doctor…
• If I could be a painter…
• If I could be a gardener…
• If I could be a missionary…
• If I could be a chef…
• If I could be an architect…
• If I could be a linguist…
• If I could be a psychologist…
• If I could be a librarian…
• If I could be an athlete…
• If I could be a lawyer…
• If I could be an innkeeper…
• If I could be a professor…
• If I could be a writer…
• If I could be a llama-rider…
• If I could be a bonnie pirate…
• If I could be a service member…
• If I could be a photographer…
• If I could be a philanthropist…
• If I could be a rap artist…
• If I could be a child actor…
• If I could be a secret agent…
• If I could be a comedian/comedienne…
• If I could be a priest...
• If I could be a radio announcer...
• If I could be a phlebotomist...
• If I could be Paris Hilton's stylist...
• If I could be a movie producer...
• If I could be the CEO of Microsoft...
• If I could be an astronaut…
• If I could be a world famous blogger…
• If I could be a justice on any one court in the world…
• If I could be married to any current famous political figure…
• If I could be a dog trainer…
• If I could be Bruce Lee...

Lyn's Q & A... Get your questions in NOW!!!

Dead Lyn
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO:Eres by CAFE TACUBA


People complain that I don't brag enough about my personal life on my blog. I don't see the reason why cos my life is as mundane as that frog living down your drain.

However, I will make an EXCEPTION this time.

As I am suffering from Blogi-tis* you guys gotta help me out here..

THIS IS YOUR ONE AND ONLY CHANCE TO INTERROGATE ME WITH QUESTIONS AND I WILL ANSWER THEM WITH GLEE. (aka. 99.9% accuracy)

I ain't kidding. All you gotta do is leave a QUESTION through the COMMENT link below.. (like how you usually leave a comment, DOH) and I will answer ALL of them in the NEXT BLOG ENTRY.

Possibly one week from now depending on my mood.....

I am looking for Paparazzi style quizzes because I know I suck big time when dealing with the press. This is your ONLY CHANCE to ask me stuff you've been DYING to ask and that includes marriage proposals.

BRING IT ON. ASK ME ANYTHING. I am bored.

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*a blogger's disease that triggers one's loss of creativity and the lack of blog updates.
Thanks Pip, for the term....