Monday, January 17, 2005

10 WORST FILMS OF 2004

Crooning on my STEREO: Oye El Boom by DAVID BISBAL

In no particular order...

1) HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS

Chucking bamboo sticks, sprinkling peanuts and throwing knives. First-class Art-House TRASH & disgrace to the Chinese Community. Everybody knows what I think of this film. READ HERE

2) KING ARTHUR
What was the world thinking??Why bother paying 5quid to watch boob-less Keira Knightley smudged in slime grunting like a barbarian? (someone pleeeeeeasse EXPEL her for PLAGIARISING Legolas' archery skills...absolutely no,no,no,no originality.)
And WHO on EARTH are those HIDEOUS-looking male leads????


3) ALFIE
If you are charmed by ALFIE aka Jude Law... you are SICK.
If you aspire to be ALFIE..... apocalypse NOW.


4) SKY CAPTAIN & THE WORLD OF TOMMORROW
Who can forget that pretentious use of cheap, green, mossy film stock, B-grade CGI forcefed with an unnecessary half-hearted Angelina Jolie 5-line cameo.....
And Jude Law. AGAIN.


5) TAXI
Yes, Giselle is HOT. That's about it.

6) BUTTERFLY EFFECT
Infamous Toy Boy Ashton Kutcher striving hard to be DEEP.
Fine.
If he thinks a butterfly can cause calamity, his acting causes a migraine.
Little word of advice to Ashton: Stick to your MTV-esque PuNKeD.... stupidity has never made more sense and money.


7) THE GRUDGE
I can't stand this moneyspinning Western obssession over Jap-Korean horror remakes.
Exotic? No.
Scary? No.
Asian Long Haired ghosts? Immuned. We've seen too many of them on screen.
Think: Ring 1, Ring 2, Ring 0, The Phone, The Mirror, The Sisters, The Tree, The Ceiling, The Plate, The Fork etc...


8) GARFIELD, THE MOVIE
Why bother watching a bloody annoying orange creature bouncing around causing a shitload of mess?
Just slaughter it and have cat steak for dinner.


9) PASSION OF THE CHRIST
I am sorry... I am not into gore and butchery. A pity to see a remarkable Christian story told in a commercially vile manner. Why.. with all those gallons of spaghetti sauce... is it meant to scare us, the sinful ones, into oblivion?
By the way, Dr. Evil from Austin Powers DID make several cameo appearances. Did you spot him?


10) Some Malaysian horror film
I hardly recall the title, but I wont bother. This film segment is made up of 4 useless short films by 4 useless amateur directors, including one Fassbinder wannabe. In fact, I hope they read this: Bad casts, nauseating cinematography, shit narratives and total try-hards.
Scare factor: -100



16 comments:

vincent said...

house of flying daggers, hero, crouching tiger....all the same...a prostitution of chinese culture to satisfy the lustful eyes of western audiences

Anonymous said...

Prostitution of Chinese culture? I hsve no idea what you mean, Vincent, but it sure as hell sounds offensive. P'haps you mean 'parade'? Or p'haps you need to be more respectful to history and culture - particularly if they're not yours.

To author:
What happened to Cat in the Hat and Alexander? They were surely no better than Garfield.

--Toadman.

vincent said...

frogman : if your english sucks, please keep quiet. prostitution of chinese culture meant that those dudes 'sold' their culture away just for some benefits. you know, like prostitutes selling themselves for money. oh, and by the way, i am a chinese too.

Suemoo said...

The saddest thing possible, is having so much snow outside, and having no one to play with! :(:(

COme to glasgow and make a snowman with me!!!!

haha sorry ive taken to making comments which have no relevance to your topics whatsoever.. :):)...

to make up for that... um....I liked garfield. A morbidly obese cat who can dance. Thats class :D

Yng Lyn said...

Vincent: I agree with you, prostitution is an excellent word to describe western Asianphillia.

Toadman: I haven't seen Cat in the Hat....but it sure looks awful from the trailer.and Alexander does have some historical credibility as opposed to watching a fat cat stuffing his face. thx for the suggestions.

Suemoo: There's not a single snowdrop in London!! arghhhhhh.. only rain rain and MORE RAin!! I should visit glasgow sometime in Easter.... I really should... dear!!!

eyeris said...

I actually agree mostly with your list, except on two counts - Sky Captain, and House of Flying Daggers (shocking, I know.) :P

Sky Captain I liked because deep down inside, I'm a geek at heart, and Sky Captain appealed to that part of me that loves giant robots, flailing damsels and cool technicolored action.

HOFD - I liked most of it until the bloody stupid ending. Though I still think Andy Lau can't speak mandarin for nuts.

Check out my list of BEST movies of the year: http://eyeris.blogspot.com/2004/12/2004-list-1-my-favorite-movies-of-year.html

And what I thought of HOFD AND King ARthur: http://eyeris.blogspot.com/2004/07/of-flying-knives-and-king-of-bittons.html

BTW, muchas gracias for visiting my blog. am adding you to my blogroll. :)

Yng Lyn said...

Hola Everis!
yeah i agree with you on the andy lau bit.. he speaks crap mandarin! I will add your blog onto my link list as soon as I update the site. take care!

Anonymous said...

hola amorcito;

I really enjoy your movie critics. I would have to disagree(crouching tiger). I like asian films. I remember watching those old chinese series when I was a child(may be I'm not the proper person to critic movies).
what I do know is the book is always better than the movie remake, nothing beats the written word.

the passion-how hard is it to pick up the bible and read?
troy-no comment
king arthur-he is actually french, not english,
they said he was a norman warrior
alexander-why didn't he march to Western europe? there wasn't any! the center of the world was Persia

Yng Lyn said...

hola cariño,
i agree with the bit on movie adaptations.. they are never accurate. Lord of the Rings got half the book wrong. History remakes are even worse, as you said in the list..... Arthur wasn't English!
Gracias por su pensado.... Esta verdad.
xxx

Anonymous said...

hey ynglyn,

how about a top 10 best movies list? your blog's always such a great read :)

maysies

Yng Lyn said...

hey maysies, yeah i think i should compile one! although i do admit i enjoy slagging rather than praising stuff... forgive me, its just my silly nature!

thanks for the idea!:)

idt said...

Where is Catwoman?

Pip said...

I'll agree with you on all points but two:

1) I think the point of The Passion was not to frighten, but to drive the point home. The gore was meant to dispel the sanitized Protestant image of the beatific Christ and his poignant death. It replaced that image with the harsh reality of the tortures described in the passion story. I take my own issues with the film, but I think that the film is anything but commercialized; rather, it stands in the face of the truly commercialized Christ films: all the other ones*.

2) The Malaysian horror film was AWESOME.

* excepting the 1988 film The Last Temptation of Christ.

Simple American said...

1) House of Flying Daggers
One of the best naps I had in a long time.

2) WTF were thinking? I took my daughter and niece to this flick. 6 thumbs down. Why do the trailers always look so good?

3) Ignorant. Missed this one.

4) LyN you drove a stake through my heart on this one. Of course I guess I have the geek exclusion as I love pulp fiction (grew up reading Edgar Rive Burroughs) and film that follows this genre.

5) Missed it.

6) Missed it. See what having kids does to your life. I miss a lot. But its worth it.

7) Missed it again.

8) I'll never eat lasagna again. I did get a little sleep though.

9) It really did a good depiction of the physical torment he faced. But the film falls way short. The physical death is of no importance to mankind. It is the spiritual death that mattered. For more than three hours he screamed from the pain of all of mankind's sins. Yours, mine, Hitler's Gandhi's every single one of us. Very indiscriminate. Jesus was stoic during the physical torture, but the spiritual pain was so intense, that God the Father hid his son in darkness so the world would not see him suffer.

Fucking Catholics as usual focus on the physical and ignore the spiritual.

10) Never seen a Malaysian film. Seen a lot of Hong Kong and Chinese flicks. My wife is crazy over Korean soaps too.

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