10 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL IS GOOD FOR YOU

Crooning on my STEREO: Tequila Sunrise by CYPRESS HILL

I am speaking of drinks that can fuck up your brains. You know, drinks that get you high and consequtively fuck around with your moods. Nah, drugs aint no good. Give me 2 Long Islands and I can be friendly with the car jockey.

Reason #1
Alcohol gets you HIGH. HIGH = HAPPY. I like. We all like to be happy. Who doesn't?

Reason #2
Alcohol enables you to CONQUER THE WORLD. Or so you think. It is okay to fantasise your abilities and delude yourself into achieving something close to it. In other words, you finally summon the courage to speak to that hot bloke by the bar.

Reason #3
Tequilas and vodkas have one thing in common: they taste like car petrol. Nothing wrong with that though. Just that downing quantities is considered a social feat... after downing 5 shots in a row you will earn the respect of your shallow friends and random strangers.

Reason #4
Alcohol is the best remedy for heartaches. Speaking from experience here, why do you think I am writing this in the first place?? Damn you, mankind.

Reason #5
Alcohol earns you friends. Serious. Go to clubs after 2 am and you realise that random strangers are cradling your waist and men are more willing to open doors for you rather than to slam them right in your face when they are sober.

Reason #6
Alcohol is a form of medicine. Okay, thats bullshit. But I swear I recovered from a flu after throwing up excessive alcohol. Ooops.

Reason #7
Storing several bottles of imported beer in the fringe gives you the reassurance that if you ever hit any form of anxiety, help can be found in the kitchen.

Reason #8
If you can't sleep, drink 500ml of Absolut and I guarantee you instant pass-out.

Reason #9
Alcohol brings out your hidden desires. That is, if you refuse to dance to Kylie's 'Locomotive Song'.... 3 bottles of alcopop will certainly delude you into grooving foolishly. Even if they play KRU's 'AWAS' or Siti Nurhaliza, you'd still groove. In front of your crush. Without shame.

Reason #10
Most people testify that I am a BETTER person whenever I am intoxicated.

That's hot.

DATE WANTED

Crooning on my STEREO: Bump Bump Bump by B2K

In case you are wondering, I managed to source for an alternative job to supplement my life's monotony. Please embrace this SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DATE HIM?


Come on, show my nice friend some LOVE.

He is CUTE, POLITE, INTELLIGENT and WACKY.

Well, that's what I think anyway. I have such brilliant taste so you can certainly TRUST me on this.

INTERESTED?

CALL ME, LEAVE A COMMENT OR E-MAIL ME to arrange for a date. A group date if you'd prefer.

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR LYN WILL BUY YOU A FANTASTIC ROUND OF DRINKS.


I bet you lot forgot that I am a professional pimp. I am looking forward to my big fat paycheck for this...

1,2,3,4,5,6

Crooning on my STEREO: Tears and Rain by JAMES BLUNT

TIME: 1:02:03 a.m
DATE: 4.05.06

Dear Diary,

Okay. I am not writing this exactly at 1:02:03 a.m. They were raving about this auspicious date and time where it only coincides once in a few hundred years. While some lucky friends of mine got their marriage proposals, let me enlighten you with what I did that night.

I had the entire house to myself. Sis is happilly in Europe while parents were holidaying Down Under. American Idol was on telly, so I was inspired to create a solo rendition of 'ALL BY MYSELF' in the karaoke room downstairs. Truth said, I souded like a wailing pig in the slaughterhouse.

As I couldn't reach the high notes, I choked out all my unpleasant memories and summoned the courage to gulp down half a 1 litre bottle of Smirnoff. Honestly, it was such an amazing feat because it tasted like car polish.

Well it got me pretty high for a start.

So I decided to switch off my mobile phone. Ignored the house phone. Unplugged the internet.

I locked myself in that room. No, I aint gonna slice my wrists with a butter knife.
I dimmed the lights and hallucinated Randy, Paula and Simon's presence a few feet away from my microphone stand. I chose 'SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH' as an opening number. Well, I rocked it. I bet I could kick Fantasia's arse when it comes to screaming out dynamic notes.

So I gulped down some leftover cooking wine.

HELL YEAH.

My next attempt? 'THE END OF THE WORLD'. Phwoarrr... exploded with so much of emotion. Man, I swear I can do a kick ass cover of this song.

I downed a glass of random brandy I found at the bottom of the bar sink. Whatever. So I decided to croon a highly emotional number:- 'NEVER BEEN TO ME.' So emotional that it got the neighbourhood dogs barking. Even my own dogs were embarrassed to woof for a start.

Next on, I scrurried for a pretty ancient bottle of rum in the hindsight. god knows where that came from. At that point, my vision was pretty screwed up, so anything in a bottle HAD to be alcohol. Tasted shit but what the hell. So I grabbed the mike, stood on the couch and did the ultimate encore: - 'FLYING WITHOUT WINGS'.

Now, thats gay.

Slouched on the couch and on the verge of puking, I decided to put my self-induced poisoning to a HALT. It was 3 am and I've got to screw myself in the office the next morning.

WHATEVER.

Guess what? I am single.