Friday, December 06, 2013


Crooning on my STEREO:Crack the Shutters by Snow Patrol

After so many weeks of trying, I sat by my computer, trying to think of how and what to write but i am unsure of where to start. Its funny that after one year, things went a full circle and forces you to make a decision: although one that is based on your heart and one that is based on your head. Either way, one does not agree with the other. 

Truth is, I was not able to let go. I am still struggling. As ridiculous as it sounds, my heart is falling apart. You would have thought that after so many years of failed relationships, high school rejections and unrequited love - the universe will be kind enough to give your heart a chance to fall in love and be loved in return. Equally.

As I learn, love is never simple. You love someone. Someone remotely loves you back. But then he gets bored. Or you get bored. And we stray. Or, one tries to manipulate the other by curbing you into a change. Then we lose ourselves in the name of love.

What can we do? We were never anything. Why worth all the tears when a man that I love could never love me in return? Our heads tells us to stop as this is illogical, but yet our hearts continues to grieve. But sometimes we grieve because we hope. 

We hope that perhaps a person might change. We hope that he might come home to us. We hope that we could go back to those happy days when we would lie on the sand and watch the stars in the sky without a care in the world.  We hold on to hope because it was happiness. 

Letting go of your happiness for another's happiness is perhaps the bravest act of love. But where does it leave us? The jilted ones are left behind, breathing within a bubble that once held many happy memories, but stagnant with time. The other moves on, oblivious of all your tears.

I must admit that many times I had hoped he would appear by my doorstep, with a bottle of wine and a movie drive. That was how we did it. Waking up beside him, with his arm cradling my neck, felt like the safest place. 

Maybe one day we will learn that everything had to happen the way it should leading us to a happier place. Perhaps we should not love too quickly as we could jeopardise happiness too soon. We will never know what life has in store for all of us. 

But all I know is that I love this person very much, I miss him dearly and that I may never meet someone as wonderful as him again. 

But what can you do? Could you make a decision based on your head at the expense of breaking your heart? 

How far can you run? 


tuti said...

it has been a while.
strangely i thought of checking in to your old old blog today.
i'm mistipurple, if you can still remember me. long time not blogging too.
life. what else is new, eh?
one thing's that's certain is, it goes on, regardless if we feel shitty or not. so might as well try to feel better. hang in there. you're doing good. i read my last comment to you years back. i said you're strong and that i know you can make it (in the emo field), and that still stands. despite how shitty we're actually feeling in real life, haha.

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