SEX Education

Crooning on my STEREO: Chan Chan by BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB

I don't care if you are underaged or overaged, as long as you don't try this at home or, rather... on your motorbike.

My friend sent me both this image and its text for a worthwhile comic relief.

Here's the descriptive text which follows (in white) and my commentary in (violet)

"This stationary position utilizes almost the entire length of the motorcycle. (okay...let's assume it as a fucking UNCOMFORTABLE 'bed') The easiest way to get into this position is for the woman to seat herself on the bike and lean forward so she is grasping the handlebars. (SO.... is the motorbike in motion?? Doesn't that induce a frigging sprain on her spinal cord?? Damn..LUST is DANGEROUS stuff....) If the bike is too long, or she's too short, she can wrap her arms around the gas tank.(WHAT??? DID YOU SAY GAS TANK???) The man, standing behind the bike, reaches on either side, picks up her legs, and extends them backward over the end of the motorcycle. (PHWOAR! You need to be a bloody agile acrobat to do this. Even a novice could break either one of her limbs)As he supports her back end by holding her legs up wheelbarrow style, he fucks her from behind.(Okayyyy.... so the guy happily screws her from behind, and poor girl hangs on to the rickety bike for dear life. What PASSIONATE lovemaking.)

This position can be a big turn on for both male and female motorcycle enthusiasts.(Sure, ask Valentino Rossi for more details.) The woman will get off from having almost full body contact with the bike and having her face pressed into the seat leather, while the guy will almost feel like he is fucking the bike itself."(End result: Girl is more likely to suffocate to death, courtesy of the 'seat leather.' Guy is better off fucking the bike's exhaust pipe as to avoid messy casualities........ hold on, do guys really do get aroused by automative vehicles?? )

What the hell... this is disturbing shit.

For more ridiculous sex positions, consult films by Tinto Brass

St Paul's

Crooning on my STEREO: Don't Cry by GUNS N ROSES

StPauls
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

St Paul's Cathedral on a sunny day.......

Lyn: *Knock Knock*
Priest: Who's there?
Lyn: Lyn
Priest: Lyn who?
Lyn: God knows.
Priest: My child.. thou shalt not blaspher.......
Lyn: Ask God... really, He knows me!
Priest: Hold On....

10 minutes later. Lyn is left out standing in the cold taking photos with her phone camera.

Priest: Oi, come here.
Lyn: Yes?
Priest: We are closed today.
Lyn: Whaaaaaatttt??????
Priest: Come back tommorrow.
Lyn: I thought that the House of God is open everyday??
Priest: This is St. Paul's, not house of God..
Lyn: So this is St. Paul's house?
Priest: No, he doesn't live here.
Lyn: Then? Just let me in I need to talk to God.
Priest: Sorry but we are closed today.....
Lyn: So can I speak to St Paul then? Maybe he can pass my message...
Priest: But sorry we are closed!!!

Security Guard: Whats the matter?
Lyn: Oh crap.... Ciao Ciao!!!!

(scurries off and later finds herself in some random St Bartholomew's cathedral..)

10 WORST FILMS OF 2004

Crooning on my STEREO: Oye El Boom by DAVID BISBAL

In no particular order...

1) HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS
Chucking bamboo sticks, sprinkling peanuts and throwing knives. First-class Art-House TRASH & disgrace to the Chinese Community. Everybody knows what I think of this film. READ HERE

2) KING ARTHUR
What was the world thinking??Why bother paying 5quid to watch boob-less Keira Knightley smudged in slime grunting like a barbarian? (someone pleeeeeeasse EXPEL her for PLAGIARISING Legolas' archery skills...absolutely no,no,no,no originality.)
And WHO on EARTH are those HIDEOUS-looking male leads????

3) ALFIE
If you are charmed by ALFIE aka Jude Law... you are SICK.
If you aspire to be ALFIE..... apocalypse NOW.

4) SKY CAPTAIN & THE WORLD OF TOMMORROW
Who can forget that pretentious use of cheap, green, mossy film stock, B-grade CGI forcefed with an unnecessary half-hearted Angelina Jolie 5-line cameo.....
And Jude Law. AGAIN.

5) TAXI
Yes, Giselle is HOT. That's about it.

6) BUTTERFLY EFFECT
Infamous Toy Boy Ashton Kutcher striving hard to be DEEP.
Fine.
If he thinks a butterfly can cause calamity, his acting causes a migraine.
Little word of advice to Ashton: Stick to your MTV-esque PuNKeD.... stupidity has never made more sense and money.

7) THE GRUDGE
I can't stand this moneyspinning Western obssession over Jap-Korean horror remakes.
Exotic? No.
Scary? No.
Asian Long Haired ghosts? Immuned. We've seen too many of them on screen.
Think: Ring 1, Ring 2, Ring 0, The Phone, The Mirror, The Sisters, The Tree, The Ceiling, The Plate, The Fork etc...

8) GARFIELD, THE MOVIE
Why bother watching a bloody annoying orange creature bouncing around causing a shitload of mess?
Just slaughter it and have cat steak for dinner.

9) PASSION OF THE CHRIST
I am sorry... I am not into gore and butchery. A pity to see a remarkable Christian story told in a commercially vile manner. Why.. with all those gallons of spaghetti sauce... is it meant to scare us, the sinful ones, into oblivion?
By the way, Dr. Evil from Austin Powers DID make several cameo appearances. Did you spot him?

10) Some Malaysian horror film
I hardly recall the title, but I wont bother. This film segment is made up of 4 useless short films by 4 useless amateur directors, including one Fassbinder wannabe. In fact, I hope they read this: Bad casts, nauseating cinematography, shit narratives and total try-hards.
Scare factor: -100

Michael Schumacher

Crooning on my STEREO: Deseos De Cosas Imposibles by LA OREJA DE VAN GOGH

Tonight, Matthew, I am going to pick on......


Bet you have seen this prick. Bloody giant red ant. People say that he is a role model. Of course, you are a saint when you advertise cigarrettes to juveniles.

Sleazy, slimey, cheshire cat grin. He wouldn't even take his hands off a married man. Thus the quote: 'Winner Takes All'

The perfect couple. An asianphillic toad and a whinging horse working hand in hand to deceive and defeat.


Reality check: Identity crisis. No friends. No fans. Only a grid board. Time to reflect.
Oh, wow, he's got feelings.


Drunkard in crisis. Would you ever respect a man who's sick on the podium and hogs the champagne all to himself? (even at times when he's actually NOT the victor.)

Unfortunately the Tifosi(s) do. They love this man unconditionally, even after kingdom comes.

Even when he starts tearing down trees and wildlife to build his fleet of giant mansions. They will still love him.

No wonder they say that love is blind.

BRAVE NEW DAY

Crooning on my STEREO: Monday Mi Amor by SOLUNA

I start 2005 typing this with an impaired vision. NO, I havent been staring at Cesc Fabregas.
In actual fact, I have been torturing my perfect vision with a pair of blue contacts, this morning I spent two hours stuffing alien objects onto my cornea. Shit, I see cloudy apparitions.

After pigging away for two weeks, here's a little update on the my festive end... I was home in Malaysia for two weeks, I did peanuts for my research paper and piled on 5kg. I sang 'Guantanamera' at a birthday party and everyone threw bananas at me. I have also been watching 'Reyes-less' Arsenal matches.

Of course there is also the need to mention the Tsunami. Eversince it took place, clouds have been flooding over Malaysia.
No SUN. What a rip off.
No different from British Winter minus the cold.
God knows why... I am not an expert in geographical climate and I don't know how ocean landshifts affect percipitation. Whatever it is, I came back to London without a tan.

The first question every concerned European asked me was, 'Are you alright? Did the tsunami hit you?'

I thought of lashing a sarcastic answer. But to be honest, I am not sure if the tsunami really did hit me. Thats because I COULD have been a victim. I initially planned to spend Christmas in Phuket, until the arrogant travel agents snarled, 'Sorry, we are OVERBOOKED until January. Get Lost.'

And got lost I did. But my infamous perseverance didn't end there. I eyed another vacation island, Penang.
Again, I was chased away.

Being chased away was a bizarre blessing. Later, the Tsunami struck both these islands.
The Lesson: My obsession with self-roasting almost cost me my life. Imagine me, a fat slob, lying on the beach... roasting, asleep and oblivious. Out of the blue, a massive 10ft wave, would flush me into the Indian Ocean. At that very moment, there is absolutely no way of negotiating with fate.

I seriously think that if my holiday plans went ahead, it would have been the end of me.
Today, I can only sigh in relief.

My heart goes out to the tsunami victims.

Simon Cowell

Crooning on my STEREO: Vertigo by U2


You must have seen this man before. Or at least, for those of you who actually watch telly.
And I bet the most of you hate his guts.

I think he is the saviour of prime time television. Possibly the only tv persona who actually show signs of intelligence. He is blatantly honest; he tells you straight to your face if he thinks you're full of crap. I think that's good advice. Honest people are hard to come by these days.

Yet many people hate him. The weak minded hate him because he is, quite visibly, more sharp witted and instinctive than the norm. But many people despise honesty; they are afraid of getting hurt.

That is why many people do not progress because they deny the truth.

Today, I shoved my social calendar aside to stay in and watch the X-Factor finals. (I know.. I know!!!) Simon Cowell manages one of the finalists, Steve, who would be singing against Louis Walsh's 4 men group, G4. It was the battle of the managers, Simon versus Louis. The Tenor/Soprano group G4 are obviously more artistically distinctive than Steve, who is a natural crooner, so I expected the former to win. Plus, it was a case of 4 singers against 1.

But when Steve sang Frank Sinatra's 'Smile', I broke into tears. (usually I don't give a damn about song covers, but today it made a difference)
'Smile' have always been my spiritual anthem.

The song is not the case. Steve is the case. He started off in the auditions turned away by all the other judges but, surprisingly, nasty Simon. Despite the general preconception that Simon is an asshole, he had faith in the one man who was slagged off by the majority.

Today, Steve is in the finals. So 'nasty' Simon had a point.
And I voted (Yes, I DID!). I don't usually waste 25p on voting texts, but I felt that this man had to win. On the other hand, I was confidant that the rivals, G4, already had a recording contract on hand, so victory is not a neccessity. Because I have a soft spot for struggling artists, by voting, I am making a "talented but unfortunate" performer's dream come true.

Plus, for retribution's sake, I may need that sort of vote in the future.

Steve won. Simon won.
That bastard was right. He may slag off 90% of humanity, but he does have a worthy point. This is what I call constructive criticism. And this is coming from a smart bastard without a university degree.

He promotes a universal philosophy: simple but blatant honesty to wake the sleepyheads. I am sick of friends telling me that I look good in a coat which I actually dont.

If I have been sarcastic lately, I am totally aware of it.

That is because Simon Cowell is my role model.

Family Relatives

Crooning on my STEREO: Somewhere Only We Know by KEANE

I will be flying home in approximately 10 days time hampered by mixed feelings; the excitement of spending Xmas with the world's only worthy people (my immediate family) as well as the absolute dread of leaving my LOVE, London.

Oh, hold on, not to mention the highly anticipating festive encounters with RELATIVES. Oh yeah, sincerely CARING and LOVING AUNTS and UNCLES. They flood my family with LOVE.

That is BULLSHIT. Absolute CRAP. Let me explain the various species of relatives there are in my massive family of 'pain in the asses' .....

1) Oscar-Relatives: These relatives pretend to CARE. For example, if you GRADUATE with a good honours, they PRETEND to be HAPPY for you. Behind your back, they say you BRIBED the examiner.
(or rather, they say you NEVER graduated......)

2) Leach-Relatives: These relatives only contact you when there is a free Xmas dinner hosted by your family in the horizon. If not, they DONT GIVE A SHIT.

3) Tabloid-Relatives: These blood relations will DIG out your personal affairs and play the role as your CONFIDANTE. In actual truth, they don't give a damn and all they just want to know is what dirty shit you are up to.

4) Olympics-Relatives: This is RIVALRY, an inbred quality in most families. They just want to COMPARE their children's achievements to yours. Whenever they are on the losing end, these shallow parents LIE, on their kids behalf, so that they will always seem TRIUMPHANT. (Example: Who's got higher grades, who's thinner, who's got a better job.. etc)

5) Saint Mediator-Relatives: They are NOT saints. They are VENOMOUS. They will only show concern when you are on your DOWNFALL. The concern is a mere ACT. In their hearts, they celebrate knowing that you're DOOMED.

So what's this shit about BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER?

BEWARE
The only people to trust is your IMMEDIATE/NUCLEAR FAMILY

NOT your AUNTS & UNCLES

p.s: You can also categorise your aunt/uncle/cousin pests with several terminologies in my blog published months ago HERE

St. John the Baptist

Crooning on my STEREO: Moi...Lolita by ALIZEE


A hell lot of you have questioned me what I've learnt in three years of Art History. To reflect my intellect, I have attached an academic 1st Class analysis of the above painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

"I think the subject matter is sexy. His sultry eyes are friggin' tantalising, more inviting than Jose Antonio Reyes. And look at those chubby arms, it has the ability to suffocate and excrutiate. Check out that grin, oooh la la!! He uses Neutrogena lip balm, right?? Therefore, Leonardo is DA MAN ahead of his time. Come on, who would've thought of using lip balm 500 years ago?

The HAIR! So beautifully and perfectly permed. Toni & Guy could never have done it this way. The curls are the epitome of those spiral pasta, was it fussili ?? One can conclude that national identity are engraved in those perfect curls......PASTA ITALIA !!!!!!!

Leonardo has done an excellent job on giving his subject the PERFECT MEDITERRANEAN TAN. I am envious (beyond belief) of that glowing skin that only St. Tropez can offer. So SUBLIME. Imagine this: You go on a beach holiday and you see a lifeguard who looks like this....... move aside, BAYWATCH!!!

Why didn't Leonardo give Mona Lisa that shimmering summer Tan?? Coz Italian men 500 years ago were attracted to lifeless women who dont sunbathe. Look at Mona Lisa. She looks too green. Yet men in the past find her sexy and beat the hell out of each other just to win her heart. Today, if you are as bronze as Beyonce, men fight wars over you.

Phwoarrr... check out that rapper look. The Renaissance Italian 'BLING'. You know why? Cuz' of that leopard skin which he wraps himself with. Check out any random P. Diddy music vid and you're bound to spot a couple of loaded pimps wearing leopard skin. And the finger, YO YO YO! A symbol of expression. In the case of sexy John, its YO YO YO, whazzzzupppp to HEAVEN. Vice Versa to P.Diddy, its YO YO YO, whazzzzuppp to HEAVEN too!!!!

I am too lazy to conclude. You should get what I mean by now. This painting is cool. This painting rocks. And it looks good on your living room wall. Think about it, how cool is it to walk about with a crucifix? I think it is going to be a summer trend. Leonardo is a genius.'

Note: I received a distinction for this visual analysis. Don't think of the material connotations as blasphemic, because the artwork has been argued as both religious and secular, since no one really knows what the subject is. The lucrative model could be St John the Baptist, Bacchus the wine baron or even Leonardo Da Vinci himself in a narcissistic mood.

And I don't believe in any of DAN BROWN'S conspiracy theories.

The Unresolved VAN Mystery

Crooning on my STEREO: PARA LLENARME DE TI by RAMON

Today I received a phonecall which spells the return of my zest for life. And of course, when I am in brilliant mood I can't help but to PICK on SOMETHING. (or SOMEONE at the very least)

This blog examines the VAN mystery. Girls SWOON over this hunk. Female 'soccer' fans WORSHIP his SEX APPEAL.

No, we are NOT talking about KAKA. You wish!


FIRSTLY, this man does not TALK. He ROARS.
ROARS so much you'd assume he's got bio/animal genetics.


Eh??? I thought I saw this lardy truck driver at Hog's Head last week.
Nice townie Nike classic gym outfit.
Sipping on orange juice makes him so MACHO.


How paedophillic. Trying ooze his sex appeal on innocent young children.
I see MICHAEL JACKSON ......


Travelling First Class in this classy outfit.
Come on girls, go SWOON over your SEXY man.


I am really sorry, but i am getting very bad vibes from this picture.
Leave it to your imagination: 'There's something about Mary.....'


If you cant get enough of ONE, there are always TWO.

Can someone solve this biological equation,
MONKEY+ DONKEY/MOOSE/HORSE = ?

Lyn's 10 DRUNK COMMANDMENTS

Crooning on my STEREO: FRIJOLERO by
MOLOTOV

Christmas is in the air and term is coming to an end, and much too many people have the inhumane intention of getting me pissed.... how unfortunate.
Since there is absolutely no way I can guarantee that my alcohol resistance maintains its peak 24/7, this blog is dedicated to the evil minds out there,

COMMANDMENTS
When Lyn is pissed,
1) Thou shalt not talk to her
2) Thou shalt not touch her
3) Thou shalt not go near her
4) Thou shalt not feed her more shots
5) Thou shalt not walk her home
6) Thou shall LISTEN to her
7) Thou shall pay for her taxi fare
8) Thou shalt not take photographs
9) Thou shalt not pretend to be her boyfriend
10) Thou MUST NOT follow her home!!!!!! If she finds you in her flat she will MUTILATE you!!!!!

If any of these commandments are VIOLATED... don't expect to hear from me for the REST OF YOUR LIVES!!!
(yes, Lyn DOES GET SERIOUS!!! Really!!!!!!)