Enlightenment

Crooning on my STEREO: Trouble Sleeping by CORRINNE BAILEY RAE

You know when the world (or YOU) hath gone slightly wrong when:-

1) Paris Hilton releases a summer single.

1 a) When you see Paris Hilton's picture on this blog.

2) You are given free tickets to the Malaysian Film Festival.

3) Kelly Chen tops the Hong Kong pop charts by flaunting anorexia.

4) You admit to fancying a juvenile bloke from CLICK 5IVE.

5) Reyes falls out with Fabregas and is desperate to leave Highbury.

6) You refuse to remove your patriotic flag from your gate eventhough the World Cup hath long gone..

7) Your boss sets you up on blind dates with older men.

8) You have a cameo appearance on a skincare programme that will be broadcasted on national telly. And you are praying ultra-hard that nobody spots you.

9) You go around bragging that your ex-boyfriend was a duplicate of Chris Martin. Without the dosh.

10) You are thinking of organising your farewell bash at no other place than the infamous Beach Club.

11) You delude yourself by claiming that you will never get smashed with an entire jug of Long Island.

12) There are psychotic stalkers of this never-updated blog.

13) Your futsal mates are never going to turn up for any futsal matches

14) Your schedule is fully booked for the next 14 days. (waiting list available upon request, cheh...)


15) Lyn has ceased to update her blog weekly. Even fortnightly. Probably monthly.

I seriously need to chill.

08.07.06

Crooning on my STEREO: Promiscuous Woman by NELLY FURTADO

Okay, say hello to the mother of all drunkfests...


LYN'S ANNUAL SUMMER BASH @ VELVET UNDERGROUND 2006!!!!!

Endless bottles of Smirnoff Reds, a smashing bass and an overflowing guestlist...
I'd like to thank the 60++ guests who turned up and rocked the PARTAYYYYYYYYY!!!!

I hate to turn his into a slut blog, but because I owe a whole lot of you pictures from that night, I am going to post a handful up here. You are going to be so sick of seeing my face in every photograph.

Cousins Sharon and gorgeous Sarah kickin' up the night!!!

Everybody seems to be involved with Shopping Queen Stephanie in some way or another.

Clubbing buddy Jen and I share the same foolishness for good-looking bastards... but hey, its their loss right??

Drinking buddy/ cousin Kev 'Yum Chao' and lovely Denise forcing Jack Daniel's down my throat... and yet I wasn't pissed for the night, bah!

Party gals Su Yong and Kristy.... half way through to intoxication!

The pretty GIS clan: Aaron, Kaveh, Su Yong and Stef... and I just realised I'd poured half a glass of lychee martini all over my top.

My dearie Syat on a high as you can see through her mystical eyes... hoi, they are contact lenses!!!!!!

Kenny and wife, I owe the party to them for getting me 10 extra spaces to accomodate my neverending guestlist!! Love you both!!

Dee and I remains comparitively sober.... nothing beats THAT night out in London *cough*

My favourite director Pit with all respect to his dreadlocks... he promised to sort mine out one day!!!
--------------------------------

Armed with a retarded camera, shame I couldn't snap pics of everyone who was there. But there are more bash pics on my desktop, drop me a bell if you want copies!!!

Last but not least, in spite of all that drunken decadence.....
I had a great time. :)

This is the first time 10 years that I've thrown a massive bash to boost my self esteem. Ladies and Gentlemen, Thanks for coming.

06.07.06

Crooning on my STEREO: Geek in the Pink by Jason MRAZ

I have been neglecting this blog. And no one really pops by anymore. That's because I've been neglecting your blogs. Sorry. I have been spending the last 300 hours away from blogger-world, dedicating my time to fellow humans in the real world. But you have to forgive me for that. If I don't visit your blog, you probably wont visit mine. It is fine with me.

Back to the real world, I found it bizzarre how there are people who actually wanted to celebrate my existence in this world.

Check out this smashing surprise in my office one fine morning...

IT IS AN APPLE CRUMBLE!!!!

My dearest collegues Andrea and Elaine fed the entire workplace with food that got all of us sugar high. Well, I blew my ambitious diet down to a size 10 for that weekend. I may be devastated with my ever-increasing flabby thighs,

BUT I STILL LOVE YOU BOTH!!!!!

Then there was the surprise lunch at T.G.I.F.s! To those who still owe me a birthday lunch, remember this:-

I ADORE BIG FAT MAYONAISE and BIG FAT FRENCH FRIES.

Check out that orgasmic face. I think you men disappoint me.

SORROW

Crooning on my STEREO: If I Aint Got You by ALICIA KEYS

As of this morning, my heart hath been shattered.

You know, it is that sort of screeching pain that grazes across those running artileries that enter your corazon.

Right now,

I am in despair.

I am in agony.

I am in utter PAIN.

And this painstaking bitterness is too familiar.
Some may even have to go through it more than TEN times. What poor things.

Or in my case, TWICE within 6 months. TWICE.


FIRST, IT WAS ARSENAL .

And now,


SPAIN IS OUT.


Fuck the world.

Return In Peace

Crooning on my STEREO: We Be Burnin' by SEAN PAUL

It is funny how my illness has kept me away from the gym for 2 weeks, robbed 10 shades off my tan and turned me into a reluctant omnivore. Not to mention the sudden withdrawal of daily alcohol from my system has transformed me into some sort of nervous wreck in a desperate need for rehabilitation. In this course of recovery, the lack of protein adds to my lethargy, and this means that I've been sleeping through 30% of the World Cup matches played so far. I even drove my car into a ditch.

THAT SUCKS

In the midst of all that sick slumber, I noticed a pretty cool headgear:



Want one for yourself?

EASY.

You can get a similar net from your local fruit store.
Place it over your head.
One size fits all.

World Cup FEVER

Crooning on my STEREO: Malo by BEBE

I am typing this bedridden. No, really. I mean, YES, REALLY.

It is painful. I can't EAT. I CANT TALK. I CANT DRINK. I CANT HEAR. I CANT WATCH THE TELLY WITHOUT NAUSEA POISONING MY HEAD.

I am paralysed.

I haven't had a slab of steak in THREE DAYS. I haven't drank a plain ol' glass of water without yelling like a yeti every morning.

IT IS FUCKING PAINFUL, OKAY?

England is playing tonight and I am hospitalised in my room overdosed on painkillers. In fact, I have been sleeping for the past three days and I could barely keep my eyes open for the Germany match. I can imagine all my friends bawling it out at Souled Out with endless pints of Guinness WITHOUT ME.

Guess what? Today Doc told me there it will probably take at least another week before my life returns back to normal. She then gave me an extra boost of antibiotics on my BUM. And I probably have to keep doing so until that godforsaken sore goes away. And everyday, I have to wake up to the fact that I CANT EAT, I CANT TALK, I CANT DRINK, I CANT HEAR AND I CANT PLAY FUTSAL WITH MY DOGS ANYMORE.

I AM IN PAIN

And instead of wishing that the boy i fancy will eventually return my unrequited love or that friend who suddenly turned cold towards me will explain his reasons... I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THESE JERKS ANYMORE.

There is only one thing I ask,

I WANT MY HEALTH BACK

Telenovela Especial

Crooning on my STEREO: Because I Got High by AFROMAN


If I could produce a TELENOVELA of my life in the month of MAY, it would (undoubtedly) consist of the following elements:-

- BETRAYAL

- ADULTERY

- MURDER

- PASSION

- BITCH FIGHTING

- ALCOHOL OVERDOSE

- DECADENCE

- LIES

- HYPOCRISY

- "GOL DAN GINCU"

- BANKRUPTCY

- PROSTITUTION/ PIMPING

- HATRED

- THEFT

- ARSENAL

- DESPAIR


Come on, folks! I know that you are all DYING to witness this perfect mix of scandal at my expense.


Well, it IS happening.

SUDDENLY, LIFE IS NO LONGER A BORE

10 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL IS GOOD FOR YOU

Crooning on my STEREO: Tequila Sunrise by CYPRESS HILL

I am speaking of drinks that can fuck up your brains. You know, drinks that get you high and consequtively fuck around with your moods. Nah, drugs aint no good. Give me 2 Long Islands and I can be friendly with the car jockey.

Reason #1
Alcohol gets you HIGH. HIGH = HAPPY. I like. We all like to be happy. Who doesn't?

Reason #2
Alcohol enables you to CONQUER THE WORLD. Or so you think. It is okay to fantasise your abilities and delude yourself into achieving something close to it. In other words, you finally summon the courage to speak to that hot bloke by the bar.

Reason #3
Tequilas and vodkas have one thing in common: they taste like car petrol. Nothing wrong with that though. Just that downing quantities is considered a social feat... after downing 5 shots in a row you will earn the respect of your shallow friends and random strangers.

Reason #4
Alcohol is the best remedy for heartaches. Speaking from experience here, why do you think I am writing this in the first place?? Damn you, mankind.

Reason #5
Alcohol earns you friends. Serious. Go to clubs after 2 am and you realise that random strangers are cradling your waist and men are more willing to open doors for you rather than to slam them right in your face when they are sober.

Reason #6
Alcohol is a form of medicine. Okay, thats bullshit. But I swear I recovered from a flu after throwing up excessive alcohol. Ooops.

Reason #7
Storing several bottles of imported beer in the fringe gives you the reassurance that if you ever hit any form of anxiety, help can be found in the kitchen.

Reason #8
If you can't sleep, drink 500ml of Absolut and I guarantee you instant pass-out.

Reason #9
Alcohol brings out your hidden desires. That is, if you refuse to dance to Kylie's 'Locomotive Song'.... 3 bottles of alcopop will certainly delude you into grooving foolishly. Even if they play KRU's 'AWAS' or Siti Nurhaliza, you'd still groove. In front of your crush. Without shame.

Reason #10
Most people testify that I am a BETTER person whenever I am intoxicated.

That's hot.

DATE WANTED

Crooning on my STEREO: Bump Bump Bump by B2K

In case you are wondering, I managed to source for an alternative job to supplement my life's monotony. Please embrace this SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DATE HIM?


Come on, show my nice friend some LOVE.

He is CUTE, POLITE, INTELLIGENT and WACKY.

Well, that's what I think anyway. I have such brilliant taste so you can certainly TRUST me on this.

INTERESTED?

CALL ME, LEAVE A COMMENT OR E-MAIL ME to arrange for a date. A group date if you'd prefer.

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR LYN WILL BUY YOU A FANTASTIC ROUND OF DRINKS.


I bet you lot forgot that I am a professional pimp. I am looking forward to my big fat paycheck for this...

1,2,3,4,5,6

Crooning on my STEREO: Tears and Rain by JAMES BLUNT

TIME: 1:02:03 a.m
DATE: 4.05.06

Dear Diary,

Okay. I am not writing this exactly at 1:02:03 a.m. They were raving about this auspicious date and time where it only coincides once in a few hundred years. While some lucky friends of mine got their marriage proposals, let me enlighten you with what I did that night.

I had the entire house to myself. Sis is happilly in Europe while parents were holidaying Down Under. American Idol was on telly, so I was inspired to create a solo rendition of 'ALL BY MYSELF' in the karaoke room downstairs. Truth said, I souded like a wailing pig in the slaughterhouse.

As I couldn't reach the high notes, I choked out all my unpleasant memories and summoned the courage to gulp down half a 1 litre bottle of Smirnoff. Honestly, it was such an amazing feat because it tasted like car polish.

Well it got me pretty high for a start.

So I decided to switch off my mobile phone. Ignored the house phone. Unplugged the internet.

I locked myself in that room. No, I aint gonna slice my wrists with a butter knife.
I dimmed the lights and hallucinated Randy, Paula and Simon's presence a few feet away from my microphone stand. I chose 'SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH' as an opening number. Well, I rocked it. I bet I could kick Fantasia's arse when it comes to screaming out dynamic notes.

So I gulped down some leftover cooking wine.

HELL YEAH.

My next attempt? 'THE END OF THE WORLD'. Phwoarrr... exploded with so much of emotion. Man, I swear I can do a kick ass cover of this song.

I downed a glass of random brandy I found at the bottom of the bar sink. Whatever. So I decided to croon a highly emotional number:- 'NEVER BEEN TO ME.' So emotional that it got the neighbourhood dogs barking. Even my own dogs were embarrassed to woof for a start.

Next on, I scrurried for a pretty ancient bottle of rum in the hindsight. god knows where that came from. At that point, my vision was pretty screwed up, so anything in a bottle HAD to be alcohol. Tasted shit but what the hell. So I grabbed the mike, stood on the couch and did the ultimate encore: - 'FLYING WITHOUT WINGS'.

Now, thats gay.

Slouched on the couch and on the verge of puking, I decided to put my self-induced poisoning to a HALT. It was 3 am and I've got to screw myself in the office the next morning.

WHATEVER.

Guess what? I am single.