K-MAN ARRIVES.

Crooning on my STEREO: You were meant for me by JEWEL

This weekend is going to be FAB.


BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID

Lyn fetches her BUTCHER'S KNIFE to make TOMATO AND SALAMI pizza....

CHOP

CHOP

CHOP

CONFESSION BOX- PART ONE

Beeston Chavs- Nottingham
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Somethin Stupid by ROBBIE WILLIAMS & NICOLE KIDMAN

Dear Padre Amaro,

I hath come to confess my sins committed within the last 5 days. I hath blown my weekly allowance by 500quid on materialistic pleasures.

Bad, I know.

But I contend that such is necessary. As our Heavenly Father would have probably noticed, I was plagued by earthly evils such as MAN PROBLEMS that consequently leads to WORK PROCRASTINATION and LOW SELF ESTEEM.

So......in divine grace and courage I needed to get myself out of this rut. Therefore I needed a GOOD BREAK. Instead of moaning like a discontented harlot, I resorted to the simple mortal approach of

RETAIL THERAPY

Thank God for this miraculous decision. I spent three wonderful days with one my dearest friends and bought a bagload full of beautifying junk.
Not only hath I come back impoverished like a church mouse,

LIFE LOOKS WONDERFUL ONCE AGAIN

I had my final dose of mayonnaise drenched kebab, I waved goodbye to Dunkirk where I dwelled for 2 years and sworn at sinful night haunts such as THE WORKS and FACES for shutting its doors on a MONDAY NIGHT. I even took an eternal memorabilia of the Beeston Chavs whom I so, so, so adored and am going to miss. (above)

Okay. I am beginning to sound shallow. Then again, God made me a total woman. I like clothes. I like shoes. I like legwarmers.

But I like God too.
I really do.

Therefore I am here to seek divine forgiveness simply because no other mortal being was hurt in this prompt self indulgence process.
Praise good ol' God for imparting the origins of retail therapy. It hath saved many a troubled soul.

Oh, another request for forgiveness: I will be sorting my tattoo this weekend.......

Thank You Father. Please grant me a abundant week ahead... *cough cough*

Toilet: Part 2

Crooning on my STEREO: I'd die for you by GARBAGE

BREAKING NEWS:

I FIXED MY TOILET WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!!!!

I'm still heading off anyway.

Toilet

Goddamned Toilet
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Other Side of the World by KT TUNSTALL

I HATE MY TOILET

It gets BUSTED every month. Now I can't PEE. And I can't SHIT.

My landlord is nowhere to be found.
Plumbers don't fucking work on weekends.
And my agent claims that they can only send a plumber on THURSDAY.

HELLO????? THURSDAY???!?!!? I will die of internal clog-up before the weekend is over.

Okay, save me from this crap. I am leaving London for Nottingham in a few hours time. I will vanish for three days till I can come back and EGEST in PEACE.
Ciao all. Its a massive sports day today.
MAY ARSENAL trash CHELSEA to the POINT OF OBLIVION.
MAY MCLAREN KICK RENAULT'S PRETENTIOUS ASS.................
*Lyn manages to leave before she turns laddish.*

Jet Lag sucks.

DeLiRiuM
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Roll With It by OASIS

It is SEVEN in the morning and I am WIDE AWAKE. I am so freaking jet lagged, neurotic and half-miserable.

I'm also on a caffeine overdose.

I HATE JET LAG. I HATE TO WAKE UP SO FUCKING EARLY WHEN HALF THE GODDAMN WORLD IS ASLEEP. I HATE TO RESTRAIN FROM BLASTING MY SUBWOOFER WHEN THE ENTIRE BLOCK ARE FUCKING ABOUT IN SLUMBERLAND...

But then again, I remind myself that this will be the LAST time I am stuck alone in this 'between' sleep nonsense.

I don't have to do this anymore. Soon, I will never have to bang my head against the wall to cure morning migraines. No more daily procrastination of getting some stupid essay done. No more having to listen to WESTLIFE start my day. No more whingeing to my employed landans early in the morning bofore THEY get to work.

YOU SEE, WORKING JET LAG IS DIFFERENT FROM HOLIDAY JET LAG.

At this moment I am utilising my morning sickness to design an extension to my current tattoo. The caffeine is rotting me. I feel the urge to alter the stupid dragonfly on my back which most random sluts ALSO have. I am a total disgrace as an art historian..... I seriously don't know what was going on in my head when I picked such a COMMON design 2 years ago.

Ideas? Anyone?

I HAVE DONE PEANUTS FOR MY DISSERTATION.......PAH!

Don't Look Back In Anger

Last Rites of Sunbathing....
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Oh No! What You Got by JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
I am going to tell the WHOLE WORLD I bought a DECK CHAIR yesterday. You can check it out HERE

After 6 weeks of BRAIN DEAD EXISTENCE, I will be heading back to LONDON tommorrow night.

It is my MA Dissertation that is fucking DEPRESSING me. Okay, it is my fault I have written NOTHING for the past god knows how many weeks. I've only been slacking about with my lazy folks and pissing about with my caffeinated friends at home.

NOW I HAVE EXACTLY THREE WEEKS TO PEN OUT 15,000 WORDS.. WOOHOO!!!!

When you look at it, you can say that I am kind of DEAD. Look, how the fuck can I get my masterpiece published and earn a much needed scholarship for my PHD when barely 0.2% of my brain is in function?!?!?!

Let's GET REAL: IT WONT HAPPEN.
IT JUST WONT, OKAY?

So I am gonna LIVE.

YES. YOU HAVE READ IT RIGHT.
I AM GOING TO LIVE.

No more whingeing. For the next three months I am gonna WORK MY ASS OFF AND PLAY SO HARD THAT I HAVE THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD TO LIVE FOR.

Why? Because these will be my final three months as a STUDENT in EUROPE.

Fuck First Class. I am gonna hand in my thesis on time. I am gonna KICK ASS and head off to ANDALUCIA for at least 2 WEEKS. FRIENDS!!! better start booking your time slot to see me in LONDON before you're subjected to my infamous waiting list....

Now I know why God made me a Single Woman.

Pain in the HEAD.

Kuala Lumpur Haze
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Out Of Touch by UNITED NATIONS

Okay, I'd like to thank our fellow neighbours in Sumatra for the gorgeous smog which engulfed our city the last week or so.

As you can see from my face, I totally LOVED it.

The haze has done my lungs good and it beats passive fagging in Zouk anytime.

In fact, I purposely come back for summer every goddamn year to indulge in our exceptional air quality. I breathe in a lung's worth of this heavenly scent of burnt wood to get me HIGH.

I'M LOVING IT

I haven't seen BLUE SKIES in two weeks and my tan is fading into a constipated shade of decomposed yellow. I can't wait to show off to my European friends my sickly complexion when I get my ass back in London next week.

Plus, the lack of outdoor activities means that I am NOW OFFICIALLY A BIGGER SLOB THAN EVER and I've started to burn my size 10 shirts to make way for size 12 ones.

In the process I've created my very own localised SMOG to get me high and blind to all these FOREST-FIRE NONSENSE.

Our beloved haze left us today. It is making its soldout SouthEast Asian TOUR to other places of unexpected concern.

I, from the bottom of my woeful heart, would like to say these farewell words:

GOODBYE MR.HAZE, SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT YEAR. CANT WAIT TO SMOKE WOOD AGAIN.

MY HOLIDAY

Orlando in my ROOM
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Give Me Novocaine by GREEN DAY

Truth is.... I SERIOUSLY NEED TO UPDATE MY BLOG MORE OFTEN

I've been sitting at home like a complete SLOB for the past THREE WEEKS. Apart from those occasional 'ABANDONED DURING CLUBBING' traumas, COMPLAINING about my gradual disfigurement and NOT LIFTING A FINGER to pen my supposedly first class dissertation.....

I HAVE DONE.... NOTHING

I will fucking tell you whats wrong with me.

1) I am LAZY.

2) I am GREEDY.
and

3)MY BEDROOM APPARENTLY HAS BAD FENG SHUI so it supposedly affects my brain's capacity to function.

Huh? I am speaking about my bedroom in Kuala Lumpur. Apparently my bed is positioned in the wrong NORTH-SOUTH-EAST-WEST whatever direction, my study table is in the wrong YING YANG Compass Pointer Earth Position behind the toilet bowl blah blah blah blah...

Honestly, I don't give cos I don't know fucks. After all my life aint that CRAP... I've got stuff some people would only dream of; family, money, friends, dogs, cars, Ipod, degrees etc.....

Beats FENG SHUI - The only thing I NEED to change in my bedroom are the sort of POSTERS I put up on my walls.

Yeah, I've got posters of MEN.

MANY MEN.

Even at 22, I somewhat REFUSE to take them down. I've got massive spreads of FOOTBALL TEAMS staring from the walls, residues of BOYBAND posters left here since I was 15 and a HAND ALTERED ORLANDO BLOOM POSTER which you can admire on the top right of this post.

I NOW HATH RESOLVED THE GRAND MYSTERY AS TO WHY NO ONE HAS EVER ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND.

To increase my fortune, I will take those pictures down.. fuck it!!!

In God We Trust.

Khavs- TRASHED!
Originally uploaded by slamducky.

Crooning on my STEREO: Take Me Out by FRANZ FERDINAND

First of all, this lovely image on the right is dedicated to a dear ol' friend aka. Bhangra Queen who was slightly intoxicated at the back of Raveen's car!

Secondly, this country is fucked. Its the first time I walked into a local club and NONE OF MY MALE FRIENDS OFFERED ME A LIFT HOME.

Like, fuck, do I have to a hail a miserable cab at 5am?????? Where the fuck are the nice blokes in this country?!?!??

In HELL I suppose. I've reasoned out a GRAND possibility of such selective treatment:

I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT

Yeah, I am FAT. So therefore I am UGLY.
In the eyes of Malaysian blokes anyway. Or perhaps everywhere else in this goddam world.

LYN HAS P.M.S

So I am all edgy and irritable. Anyway I have to keep in mind a valuable lesson I've learnt this week...

DO NOT USE GOD'S NAME IN VAIN

A friend suggested that I should propogate new rumours about myself on this site, so I've drafted out a scandalous account of myself:

Lyn is a lesbian. Lyn's real age is 45. Lyn sleeps with 60yr old men. Lyn WAS a man. Lyn owns a sex shop. Lyn is a leech. Lyn has a collection of 70 toyboys. Lyn takes cocaine. Lyn fags weed twice a day. Lyn bathes in tequila. Lyn heads a triple 6 CULT. Lyn produces amateur porn productions. Lyn is in such extreme poverty that she's been sleeping under bridges. Oh, don't forget that she scrounges off her degrees and fails all of them.

Come on you fuckers, go and spread these shits around.... since you ALL LOVE TALKING about ME ANYWAY.....

To prevent any further shortcomings,
IN GOD I TRUST....

Thanks for the memories (I was tagged by Kunstemaecker)

Crooning on my STEREO: La Tortura by SHAKIRA
Still writing from the Alcatraz....

10 years ago today: I was quite sure I was running and screaming round like a goddamn lunatic kid in DISNEYWORLD, Florida. Come on, I was only 12!!!!

5 years ago today:Was wailing my eyes out over a bloke I fancied who didn't give two hoots about me. Takes place annually.

1 year ago today: Was probably buried in ZOUK Kuala Lumpur on a free RnB night.

Yesterday: I took two hours to design my thesis cover page, I swear it looks good enough to be published.

Tomorrow: Will bake myself in the sun, do a few laps in the pool, get high on Sangria, take my dogs to the vet and I SHOULD REALLY GET SOME SERIOUS WORK DONE.

5 snacks I enjoy: Black Olives, Cherry Tomatoes, Sour cream crisps, Honey Roasted Cashews and Mayonaise straight from the jar.

5 bands that I know the lyrics to most of their songs:Guns N Roses, Spice Girls (ssshhhhhhhhhh), Boyzone (ssssshhhhhhhhh), Backstreet Boys (Nooooooooooooooo) and B2K. (I SAYYYY..... boyband lyrics are memorable because they RHYME and they're CHEESY as SHIT.)

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: I will do a PARIS HILTON and ROMAN 'CHELSKI'... and renovate the local animal shelter.

5 locations I'd like to run away to: SPAIN, CRETE, CYPRUS, MACHU PICCHU and CUBA.

5 bad habits I have:
- I often eat when you talk..... doesn't mean I am not listening.
- I compulsively buy TOO MANY handbags.
- My e-mail inefficiency. Expect a reply in at least a weeks time.
- I don't pick up calls.
- I complain my ass off about how I am soooo FAT and UGLY when the simple solution is to just go on a DIET.

5 things I like doing:
Sleep
Eat
Complain
Tan
Splurge

5 things I would never wear:
Hot Pants.... it is just, so, WRONG.
Condom
Lycra tights
Fluroscent boob tube
Single piece swimsuit

5 TV shows I like: MATCH OF THE DAY and FOOTBALLER'S WIVES 1,2,3 and 4

5 movies I like: Lovers of the Arctic Circle, Nights of Cabiria, Hotel Rwanda and two short films which I've acted in bad form.

5 famous people I'd like to meet:

OSAMA BIN LADEN- To tell him off for causing so much of inconvenience to my travel plans.
DAVID BISBAL- so that he can call me 'GUAPA'... he says that to ALL his fans anyway.
PEDRO ALMODOVAR- I want him to CAST me in his next film and thus end my career woes.
JOSE REYES- so that I can FAINT.
IKER CASILLAS- so that I can DIE.

5 biggest joys of the moment: my family, my dogs, my credit cards, my Ipod and panfried foie gras.

5 favorite toys: My 20yr old teddy hippo, my wireless laptop, my battered BMW, my figure skates and my summer fling. (okay.. not literally)

5 Victims to tag: Eyeris, Dann, Kris, Viviane and Pip