:)

Crooning on my STEREO:Crack the Shutters by Snow Patrol

After so many weeks of trying, I sat by my computer, trying to think of how and what to write but i am unsure of where to start. Its funny that after one year, things went a full circle and forces you to make a decision: although one that is based on your heart and one that is based on your head. Either way, one does not agree with the other. 

Truth is, I was not able to let go. I am still struggling. As ridiculous as it sounds, my heart is falling apart. You would have thought that after so many years of failed relationships, high school rejections and unrequited love - the universe will be kind enough to give your heart a chance to fall in love and be loved in return. Equally.

As I learn, love is never simple. You love someone. Someone remotely loves you back. But then he gets bored. Or you get bored. And we stray. Or, one tries to manipulate the other by curbing you into a change. Then we lose ourselves in the name of love.

What can we do? We were never anything. Why worth all the tears when a man that I love could never love me in return? Our heads tells us to stop as this is illogical, but yet our hearts continues to grieve. But sometimes we grieve because we hope. 

We hope that perhaps a person might change. We hope that he might come home to us. We hope that we could go back to those happy days when we would lie on the sand and watch the stars in the sky without a care in the world.  We hold on to hope because it was happiness. 

Letting go of your happiness for another's happiness is perhaps the bravest act of love. But where does it leave us? The jilted ones are left behind, breathing within a bubble that once held many happy memories, but stagnant with time. The other moves on, oblivious of all your tears.

I must admit that many times I had hoped he would appear by my doorstep, with a bottle of wine and a movie drive. That was how we did it. Waking up beside him, with his arm cradling my neck, felt like the safest place. 

Maybe one day we will learn that everything had to happen the way it should leading us to a happier place. Perhaps we should not love too quickly as we could jeopardise happiness too soon. We will never know what life has in store for all of us. 

But all I know is that I love this person very much, I miss him dearly and that I may never meet someone as wonderful as him again. 

But what can you do? Could you make a decision based on your head at the expense of breaking your heart? 

How far can you run? 

Letting Go

Crooning on my STEREO: Titanium by David Guetta 

 Letting go - I hate that phrase. It is a little obnoxious when you HAD something, and then having (or forced!) to drop it into the ocean. We associate this circumstance with loving someone or something, and then having to forsake it for the better of the other half.

In other words, selfless Love.

What the hell is that? Who buys that?

Straight to the point, I loved a boy. Boy didn't love me in return. He went to somebody else. My heart broke.

Or

Boy loved me. I didn't love him. I left. His heart broke.

Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons, and in my uneventful life I had the pleasure of experiencing both ends of the sword within the span of 6 months. The latter circumstance is easier to deal with as I am not the one bawling my eyes out. However the guilt of not being able to reciprocate a good person's feelings also has devastating effects on my psyche. I feel pretty bad.

There is nothing more lame than to carry that guilt onto the next person you meet. Naturally we tend to carry burdens of the past onto the next relationship because we are so afraid of repeating the same mistakes.

Also we are shit scared of karma's vengeance: because I thought I had hurt someone so bad, the same crap was going to come back at me.

I met the man of my dreams (seriously!) sometime ago. He was perfect: hot, clever, funny, charming, sweet, gorgeous, and all the good stuff. Family and friends loved him. He thought I was THE ONE for him, so did I on the vice versa - but that momentary fairy tale didn't last long until he made a runner for my friend. Damn.

Obviously my heart broke. Even worse when you catch them in your closet together.

That shit you can never forget. 

So I did everything to let go of the heartache - I did my nails, went shopping, overhauled myself, waxed my legs and all that shallow beautifying. I even went to a sharman who charged me 300 Euros during a session where I just slept and did nothing.

Sadly being the best looking person I can be can never replace that feeling of abandonment. 

I drummed the notion of martyrdom into my head that if I really loved this dude, I should be happy if he is happy. But theoretically, how can you delude yourself into happiness when your heart is sobbing with low self esteem because he chose to bang your friend over you?

I decided that the best way to move on, is not actually moving on, but to find a way back to myself in order to be happy again.

I am still working on it until today. Tough job.

I am back at 30!!!!

Crooning on my STEREO: Run by Amy McDonald
Knock knock, are you there?

You know what is really insane? It is because after two years of absence I am now reattempting to revive this blog. I was tempted to wipe off this old one and start anew, but after much deliberation (and mulling over old posts) this anthology (!!!) would be too precious to chuck away. Even when I am thirty!

And of course, I cannot remain anonymous - which means all my work clients, newfound friends, relatives, prospective business partners may stumble upon this cyber diary and have a great laugh.
They will read all about my insecure and hormonal complaints over stupid boys, mayonaise and expired socialist ideals. I hate to think that someone may have already printed a whole issue to shock me into embarassment on Christmas day!

 The core update: I have just turned 30, moved back to Munich, tied to wonderful job (still in TV), newly single, shed 6kg of puppy fat and deeply alcoholic. In a nutshell, it does not come across that I have progressed much since Amsterdam (apart from the single factor).

Speaking of being alone, I do have a cat named Tigger who was rescued from the streets of Singapore but she has a Swiss Passport. Ok, I am jumping over some fact but it feels darn good vomiting some random updates. This is the same feeling as meeting up with a childhood friend you have not seen in ages and babbling news in a non-chronological order. Blah blah blah they call it.

Off for my manicure now, and lots to fill you in later :)

Lost in Amsterdam

Crooning on my STEREO: Toyfriend by DAVID GUETTA

I am moving to amsterdam after spending 2.5 years in Munich. Believe me - apartment or flatshare is hell of a challenge. It's tough!!
Stay tuned, i will be writing alot

Twitter, Facebook, linked in, etc

Crooning on my STEREO: Run by Snow Patrol

Social media confuses me these days: i have an account with Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, etc... and I dont know which one to update. If you look at all of them- they all have different status updates but that doesnt mean that I have split personalities! Thank goodness i got rid of myspace before that confuses me further....

have a nice weekend peeps xx

Hello, I am back. how are you??

Crooning on my STEREO: Single Girls by Lauren Jansen

Just in case you are wondering, i have decided to revive my blog. Stay Tuned

and i have a handbag blog at lynnalice.blogspot.com

yes i am a handbag designer!!

:)

I once saw a rainbow

Crooning on my STEREO: Almost lover by A Fine Frenzy

I once believed in fairy tales, that a tale was indeed a metaphor of reality and happiness was not just a story. They all could be real.

Then I looked in the mirror, that this wretched girl was not a princess but an ordinary girl. Less average than any ordinary girl.

There were no horse carriages, no glass slippers, no castles in the clouds. There were no birds singing and there were no animals who could speak.

The only thing that was real was love. And I do love. I am a good person. And because I am unable to hurt anyone else, I am only capable of hurting myself. Without the knowledge that I may be hurting others- which is my fault.

So my Prince gave up hope. When I believed that true love was all about never giving up on the people you love the most.

As he is peacefully asleep, I lie tearfully awake with a broken heart looking up to the sky.

A part of me tells me that life no longer has any meaning. When my heart has every capacity to love but been broken too many times by those I love the most. They lose hope in me but never in their past.

Maybe I was wrong because i loved unconditionally.

And I would gently ask that by all natural causes:

may I sleep happily ever after.

Moving On

Crooning on my STEREO: You Can't Steal My Love by MANDO DIAO

Everything is alright now. I am so relieved to learn that terrible things do happen for a reason.

Because when life gets better, it does justify the hell one goes through. Sound cliched but true. I can testify that in the course of the past few months all that doom I once believed can inevitably evaporate overnight.

If you had told me this 6 months ago, I would have screamed bollocks. But back then I was a mere cripple: I was unable to digest the notion of hope and I only made it worse by condeminng myself.

Things changed, though gradually but the pain has now long gone. Not that I tried to do anything else except wallow, but things just happen. Chances. Only God knows who planned it.

And I want you to believe that it is true that no matter how thick the cloud, it always has a silver lining. As a child I held close to this in every trying situation till I reached my teens when things just didn't go the way I wanted.

Approaching 26 I realized such a saying is attainable because all it takes is to never kill a good heart.

It is a warm Sunday, summer has finally arrived in Germany and I am typing this with a puppy sleeping on my lap. I am waiting to skype my family back home. Andy will be back in Munich tomorrow just in time for dinner. On Tuesday I will return to office with newfound self esteem knowing that the company has promoted me to a permanent basis-

which means I will leave home.

Someone is looking over me, and will always look over me in the new phase ahead. This is one of those days when you reminisce how far you have come and that life can be beautiful.


At the end of the day, it is all about learning how to trust again.

Love Lockdown

Crooning on my STEREO: Chasing Pavements by ADELE

I have no strength to write. But yet I want to tell you something.

This is the only available online excerpt I have but it is without English subtitles. Anyhow if you watch it you can more or less understand what is going on.

Cabiria is a kind hearted prostitute who falls in love with a man and drops everything just to marry him. She has sold off her house and all her belongings to pay for her wedding in Rome.

The scene above depicts when she meets him to pass on the money for their wedding. She is happy and excited. He turns cold. She then realises, to her horror, that he has an ulterior motive to push her off the cliff and take her money. In her despair she begs him to kill her as she cannot face the brutality of her shattered fairytale.

He never loved her.

This is a scene from Closer. An empathetic sequence when one breaks the dreadful news to the other.


And it relates to this other scene. One's selfishness can hurt the other beyond belief.



Cabiria now walks the road alone after having lost the man she loved, her belongings and home. She has nowhere to go. A group of carefree youths walk by and tries to cheer her up. She struggles to smile amidst being grief stricken.


At the very end of the sequence, she eventually acknowledges the existence of hope. And that she will be alright.

Why such videos? Because all these best describe what I went through, and still going through. It may be annoying to you, but perhaps you do not have the slightest idea of how difficult this is for me.

How can you ever recover knowing that you were perceived just as a dying prostitute to the one man you ever loved? It will haunt you.

I am only human.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Crooning on my STEREO: Nuotando Nell'aria by Marlene Kuntz

Dear friends,

You might have stumbled onto this site because you were concerned. Or curious. And I do appreciate you being here. During the time when I returned from my studies in Perugia till the time when I first moved to Munich for a great job, I have abandoned this site briefly because I didn't have much to write.

But who would have thought that now I would be hanging on to this for dear life.

My decision to suspend my Facebook account is to give me interim. I know that cutting off from a network may come across as offensive to some, but I just want to let you all know that I do care. This is something that has to be done even if it is against my initial will.

I am sorry for everything.

It is only best for everyone. And I know good friends will always find a way to connect to me somehow. I am sorry that I have to be selfish.

The past 5 weeks was pivotal. There is also so much that I wish I could share with you, but what you know about what really happened with Gio was only 70% of the whole story. As for the rest, I can only tell you in the form of a bittersweet film.

Which is why some of you may wonder why I can't get over it. And fretting as to why I am carrying so much of emotional burden. And perplexed as to why I am punishing myself.

"Why can't this girl put herself together? It's so trivial!"

I know that for as long as I remained online, I would seek him. Even though I know fully well that he is free to connect with his past loves, it somehow hurts me so bad. I have done everything possible to curb my self destructive trail, but nothing could calm my god forsaken heart.

Because she truly is beautiful. And I am not.

This should never be surprising. I have lost many men in my life and I have been rejected more times than you can imagine, so why should this be any different?

Because I loved him. I wanted to marry him. He thought of marrying me. We wanted kids together. He was the man who showed me that happiness is nothing equivalent to buying a Porsche. And all that we needed was just each other; I didn't need all the material comfort I was showered with from birth. I could abandon all my luxuries because loving him was so simple and pure.

My happiness was him. And because of him, I knew love was happiness.

Within the turn of two years he had hurt me. He chose to give up my love so that he could give his love to another girl. And now I can barely accept that I will ever be good enough for anyone whom I will be able to fall in love with. I have, pretty officially, morphed into a wreck.

At this point, Gio is no longer the enemy. My biggest enemy would be myself.

My friends and family have stood by me from the very beginning. But there will also come a time when i will have to walk this journey alone. It is indeed a very long road ahead for girl who once believed that she could overcome every obstacle that came her way.

Life is never always rosy. Loss is something that is permanent, and can never be replaced. Just like death.

It is now time for me to fight the rest of the battle on my own in every route to recovery. Please understand that it is now crucial for me to abandon my online presence in the meantime so that I can feel what is truly real, and not imagined.

This trauma is equivalent to that of cancer. You can always battle a tumor but it is also something where one can never recover fully but is able to triumph with time. It is never always physically, but often mentally.

Trust me, this is something I know very well. I have to fight for my life.

It all takes courage. I vow to seek the smiling girl who once left on a plane to Malaga in 2004, without a care in the world. She would be happy, and never burdened.

God willing that I will return into your lives one day.

Lots of love and God bless,
Lyn xxx